I think I’ve always been someone who’s easily stressed, but the pandemic just made me more aware of it. I’m still twirling my hair compulsively like a madman and while it drives me crazy knowing there’s something mentally wrong with me, I haven’t even taken the first step into identifying what the fuck is causing me to break my hair so much. I’m pretty sure it’s stress related, more specifically, work related. I got a promotion this year and it only feels more damning knowing I have to perform much better, right when I was already okay with my performance level and would like to keep it that way for my sanity’s sake. The promotion was surreal though, and I’m grateful for it, as it finally placed me on my dream income bracket. It’s a dream come true, but it’s also fucking fleeting. Like wow I’m finally here huh? So this is it? What changed though? Cos it’s not like I got a big leap, I was already inching towards that number, slowly but surely closing the gap. And when it finally came, somehow it didn’t strike me as much. Like I said it’s not a big leap and it wasn’t such a big jump that would afford us to move to a bigger apartment, so somehow it didn’t feel like such an achievement. Which is actually a good thing. Slow progress like this allowed me to focus on my growth. Instead of running after a number, I’ve learned to work towards increasing my worth, so the number just came naturally.
I thank God for a lot of things this year, despite all the work stresses, I consider 2021 quite a fruitful one. I got a promotion, I’m getting a good annual increase next year (my biggest yet), so far I’ve read 12 books, watched 42 movies, finished 50 seasons (I’ll try to make a roundup post for this list), got monetized on Youtube, reached my set threshold in less than a year, and never got hospitalized. I also started going to the gym.
Today…
…is the 28th day of December and we’re currently in an airbnb in a private subdivision in Tagaytay. It’s extremely cold, the wind has been howling violently for hours, and it’s freaking stressing me out. I think it’s mostly because our car is parked outside by the gutter and for some reason I’m afraid it would get flown away lol. Well last night it didn’t so I guess I have to dial down on the anxiety. But still, it’s been shuddering the windows that this house is unfortunately so full of so I don’t think I’m sleeping well tonight.
Speaking of anxiety. My husband knows how much I despise being with a lot of people, and for the whole of December we’ve been meeting people non-stop every weekend. I wanted to take a break from socialising and maybe finish a 13th book this year, but I also wanna give it to him cos he likes being around people. It’s just one month anyway and after the festivities are over I could go back to cowering under the sheets with my Kindle and lo-fi jazz playlist. As an introvert with a self-diagnosed high functioning anxiety, I think I’ve done pretty well managing my awkwardness this season. Well, my hair has been the receiving end of all my stress lately but thank God it’s not balding yet. I should be worried.
Time jump!
I was writing all of the above earlier when we were still in Tagaytay. Now we’ve driven out and I’m back at my desk, marveling at my new set of keycaps.
Hopefully I don’t replace this anymore but who knows. As a mechanical keyboard fan I’m just not too deep into the hobby yet to try other types of mods. I’m fine with just switching the keycaps. It’s already troublesome enough having to pull out the caps one by one lol haha and I think that’s the best effort I could give my keyboards for now.
Alright that’s it! See you next year! 🙂