A very personal blog

hey dude

come on, don’t tell me it’s your job to go spying on our grades! fuck. don’t do that again. i’m starting to regret being acquainted with your group, don’t make me feel worse. i’m not smart. yeah, case in point made. and take note, out of the probably 10 exams i took this semester, i passed only 1… and it’s a freakin’ take home exam.

honestly, it wouldn’t have mattered to me if i fail everything… because to me, that’s normal. and i don’t go fretting over failed exams. but ever since you came, everything mattered (and i detest it). i became self-conscious. my self-esteem leaped a thousand steps to hell. i was fucking peer-pressured. and it’s all because of you and your legion of smartasses.

at first i wanted to be friends with you. at first. but now that we are friends (in an obligatory sense, that is) i realized i don’t fit in. i know there’s a lot more in me that could compensate for my obvious lack in mental aptitude but with you, will it matter? no. not at all. you look at people through their transcript of records, their general weighted average and the number of exams they aced. if that’s the case, then how do you see me?

uhm, that’s rhetorical. i do not wish to know the answer. my generalizations are evidently exagerrated and biased, but that’s how i see you and your, for a lack of a better term, ‘world’.

everyday, when i pass you by, i feel sorry for myself. i feel inferior. i feel dumb. i feel like i cannot cope with your high regards for academically competent people. i want to hide. seriously. i don’t want to see any of you again, if i could avoid it.
why? you’re all so fucking intimidating.

even my closest friend here, we two are extremes. she’s super smart, i’m super dumb. we defy the concept ‘like dissolves like’ and comply with the statement ‘opposite poles attract’.

and you know what, i’m starting to loathe it. what i feel would make me eligible to eternal damnation. i feel envious. i feel one of the most lethal capital sins man has proposed. i am morphing into a two faced monster. i hate her. yet i love her. i cannot deny the fact that we’re friends. but even friends get envious with each other. but in this case it’s one sided, i am the who took the lethargic blow.

and that stirs up my desire to look for a new friend.

>>>>>>end of rant


pipau treated hazel and i to ‘animacoustics’, an event prepared by Ozooms (uplb zoological society), at isis. hehe first time ko dun. maganda pala. bar sya, masarap ang kape (i tried snickers cremaccino), amoy yosi at alak. pero disente naman. gusto ko ulit bumalik dun. kaso mahal. 40 pesos entrance fee and minimum of 60 consumable. hahahaha. ok lang, maganda naman ang music and enjoy pag may kausap. ganun yung mga tipong lugar na gusto kong puntahan pag may kasamang kaibigan. pwede uminom or magkape. yun usap usap. haaay. kailan kaya…

feeling ko there are things that will only clear up when you come to the right age.