scalowpoas?

yes, and my being slow and and dense isn't going to get me anywhere. hmmmmm so given that i'm such an insensitive creature, i would appreciate it if people would just tell it to me straight. i'm too creative, my assumptions are going to be so out of this world ridiculous and downright improbable that i'd end up taking the safest, most negative side. i've always been like this, and it's hindering me from the kind of social life i wanted to experience.

this is confusing. they say, this is it. but i don't believe it. i was sort of programmed into thinking that if it's too good to be true, it most probably isn't. i was so consumed with my fantasies that when it broke into reality, i lose my grip. this isn't real. maybe i'm just trapped in a second level dream and i must wake up before i die, lest i get stuck in limbo.

hm. calculus was a major pisser. there was not enough time to get through the blasted questions completely. and tomorrow, i'm gonna go fuck another test. this is exactly the reason why i bank so much on my midterm standing. i know my final grade will decline by the time the term is over. haaay.

i wanna know what's up. as in the exact thing behind what's happening in my darned creatively paranoid universe. i should be in control but the outside forces are too, uhm, weird. i don't get it. i simply don't. and when i don't get anything, i turn nega. tell me, please. i'm too dumb for this. fuckyeaaaahhh

drugged

yeah. literally. was supposed to study for calculus the entire day but i ended up spending it with my sister cos it's her rest day today, and i wanted to accompany her cos it's the only day i get to spend an entire day with her. we were supposed to go to megamall to stroll around... BUT we came through a lot of hassles, quarrels which brought me to just leave her and go home. how? we went to the store first to encode her attendance, then we rode straight to megamall. halfway there, her boss texted her that she forgot to encode something else. she got mad  --i dunno, she always does-- at herself, most probably, for ever forgetting that stupid thing that cost her the entire trip. gawd, she's a monster. we got down the bus and had to walk a mile to reach the bus stop so we could go back to the store. she was bickering relentlessly on the way, cursing and shouting and blaaaaah. it was such a shame being with her. i could've tolerated her more, but she suddenly threw her phone on the ground!!!! you don't know how much it hurt it me, seeing her throw her phone carelessly on the pavement, for one thing, I BOUGHT THAT FOR HER. i bought it in replacement of her old phone who died cruelly of excessively being hurled at the floor. i bought it in hopes that whenever she thinks of throwing it out of rage, she'll think of me and put her freaking hand down. apparently she didn't.

she never changed.

the phone spilled open, and i had to pick it up piece by piece. it was a relatively cheap phone but i bought it from my earnings, which isn't big, you know. i shoved the parts into my bag and walked away. she followed closely behind. when we're on the bus, i tried to fix her phone but the keypad was lost, so i just gave it to her. i told her i'm getting off on the way home, and she could well settle her store issues alone. i gave her my umbrella in case it rains.

i got home, and took the entire happening as a chance for me to start studying calculus. i was about to take a bath when she called, and asked me to come with her to the mall. she was trying to make it up to me. i was tired, but i followed her, in case she tries to do anything stupid. at least i'll be there to document it, and laugh at her. she's the type of person who gets guilty over her childish tantrums so easily, and tries to make things up immediately. blah blah blah blah. we're ok now. except that i can't forgive her for buying such an ugly casing for her now battered phone.

okok. i'll study now. jimm's, i'm your slave tonight.

pag-ibig nga naman. charoooot!!!

OK. PROMISE I'LL JUST LET THINGS BE. DI NA KO MAGKKWENTO (UNLESS I'M BEING ASKED) NG KUSA. I'LL SHUT UP ABOUT JM. WALA LANG. AYOKO NA. @_@ THIS WILL BE THE LAST DAY YOU'LL HEAR (READ?) ME TALKING ABOUT HIM, AS A MAJOR CRUSH. LOL

WANNA BET?
i don't understand why despite all these, these hormonal flips my major crush gives me, i still think of you. like no one could compare. maybe it needs a lot of getting used to, to be able to stand on the same ground with him. oo tama, parang yung sayo, it took me half a year to get myself fully accustomed to you and your antics, and also to make myself comfortable in your presence. and hirap kasi ng natetense. LOLZ from major crush to close friend, that's a freaking awkward transition. but after that it becomes super cool kasi the awkwardness has died down and was replaced by a super friendship. that's what i need, apparently, super friends!!!! everything must start with that. i guessss??? oo kaya.

so far, i can only imagine myself with one person. yun lang. suntok sa buwan pa. so uhm. sige. magaaral muna ko. Lord, bahala ka na po.

pengeng nips. >:\

dense

last night, after coming home from school, i slept immediately! i couldn't take the stress anymore. i'm not even sure if that's stress, but i was tired, my eyes were itching from being awake for too long. i haven't even started studying yet! the essay stressed me big time. and i'm still suffering from the repercussions. @_@

7pm and i'm down. i remembered daddy waking me up for dinner but i just shrugged him off, i'm too sleepy and full with the cheeseburger (solomots jejejec!). >:)

i dreamed a lot! i guess i dreamed about flying? not on a broomstick though like my first flying dream, just me, with outstretched arms floating in the air, above what seemed like a lake! and what's awesome is that it's almost lucid! i wanted to go faster and i really flew faster! i wanted to dip close to the water surface and i did! i flew higher and higher until i was about to reach the clouds... then i woke up! i couldn't say it's completely lucid because there's this feeling in me that while flying, i was semi awake, but i knew i was dreaming so i couldn't waste the chance to manipulate it and try not to shoot an eyelid up for the fear of losing the scene.

ewan. i wish i could have more lucid dreams in the future. i enjoy them so much. and look, i realized that in a completely lucid dream, i couldn't do much, like move my arms and walk. all i can do is command. heck, why didn't i try ordering my legs to move? nyek. but in a semi-lucid dream, i can act. next thing i wanna experience is to have a completely lucid dream where i can act freeeeely. grabe it's the mooooost liberating feeling in the world! to have full control over your subconscious. >8D

then i woke up at 5am. i checked my phone and was struck with one message. alam na. pwedeng magpanic? it was a simple message, sent 7hours earlier. i don't know why. but my heart flipped. eeeeh, you know how it goes! at shempre, i just missed the chance to turn that into a conversation. e bakit ba, malay mo GM? if i were only awake 7hours ago deym... kaso i was so busy flying and trying to control my inner universe. haha aaand, as if i could actually turn that into a conversation?!?! AS IIIIIFFFF. ako pa? na isang napakagaling na conversationalist? sows!

i remember my previous previous majorcrush back in uplb. our relationship was completely impersonal, the only thing we talk about through text is whether i've emailed him my part for the project, or whether there's class. nothing much, really. when the engineering meet came, we started talking about our orgs. how we'll come about facing each other on court. blah blah blah. one day, he texted a quote. nakalimutan ko na basta alam ko sinulat ko yun somewhere. when i received it was like, "WAAAAH DORMATES NAGTEXT SI @#$%^&*( NG QUOTE SHEEEEEEZZZZ" then the girls converged around me, laughing at my reaction, my seemingly stressed out features, suggesting things like, "replyan mo!!!" "wag, bukas na! magsend ka rin ng isang quote" yung iba "HAHAHAHAHA stressed nanaman si arianne!"

in the end, i didn't say anything. i didn't reply. not even a single quote.
and that was the first and last quote i received from him. ah so ano yon? kung nagreply ako may susunod?! sometimes they say i'm too dense. i couldn't spot a hint. duh, sino bang mag-aakalang hint yon? apparently, sila. pero ako hindi.

one day, he texted "arian, kamusta?" and i froze. again. grabe dyusko, i could still remember how stupid my reply was, i told him "ui ok lang! napasa ko na yung report natin hehehe" BLAH BLAH BLAH. why do i always come up with the stupidest replies? e malay ko ba?! the only sensible thing he could ask me that time was whether i've finished the report already. other than that, ano pa ba? e

imagine, kung pa-simple lang pala lahat ng yon, tas sinakyan ko edi ano. sdfghjgfvhdgafv wala lang. there were so many chances i blew because i didn't know how to read guys. i was too consumed with my fantasies that when it breaks into reality, parang too good to be true na kaya i end up conluding it's not true.

hindi ko alam.
grabe ngayong naaalala ko sya, natatawa ko ng major major (bonggang bongga).

sabog. bwiset

whew. i just want this term to end and indulge in a sleep fiesta.

bwiset lang e no. every time i get reminded of it, i can't help thinking that everything we shared from the start was in vain. what a major major problem LOL. bwiset bat kasi ganon. parang tanga naman. kelangan talaga ganon? hindi naman e pota. 

hindi na nga e. magaaral na nga e. sori sori.

ay grabe. kala ko sa TV ko lang to napapanuod. posible pala mangyari sa totoong buhay yung mga issue issue sa mga kaibigan. weird. parang andali lang sa TV e pero in real life, nakaka-windang. hala ano na gagawin ko Lord? ano ba naman kasi yan. pwede bang mag-aminan na lang. HAHAHAHA YAAAAAK WAAAAAHHH JOKE LANG @_@

okay iniisip ko pa lang naloloka na ko. i therefore conclude i'm such a fawkin wimp. 

was supposed to go swimming with brian today pero di natuloy buti na lang kasi naisip ko, lintek wala pa kong tulog, buti na lang umulan. 

and the frakking essay. bwiset talaga. i toiled over it for 8 hours! 3 full pages == 8 hours. i can never be a good writer that way fuuuuuck. o tapos i didn't even get what i was trying to say. ang gulow. 

having it notarized was the real pain. i had to time out early para maihabol yung submission ko. good thing there was a notary public at sandigan pero madugo amputek sobra literaaaal. nagbubungkal kasi ng lupa yung major major equipment dun e tas umulan pa so the ground was so yuckily soft yakkeeehhh. bwiset.

o tapos, the girl who was supposed to buy my LG today backed out! HUHUHU ok. need to sell it nanaman. dyusko Lord, bilhin nyo na kasi tong phone ko. kelangan ko na kacheeeeeng. 

i'm tired sobra. i need to take a midnight bath. >:)

sana tumagal

a blog entry before i officially start slaving myself over schoolwork. there's just too much to do. and i've run out of jimm's 7-in-1 coffee, so tyaga tyaga muna sa nescafe 3in1. antok na nga ako e. patay.

the quirino hostage taking was an awful reminder of how our police forces lack a hell lot of training, and balls too. in less than an hour i've gathered a bunch of funny SWAT mock definitions on facebook:

sugod, wait, atras, takbo!
super wala akong training
sige wait abang tayo
sana wag ako tamaan

just to name a few.

and now we're on travel alert status at many countries. HK has also imposed a travel ban here.
goodbye tourism. what a slap for the current administration. God help us.

k. got work to do.

ajsfassqdwetrt

i couldn't believe how much i put my entire academic life on that single piece of technology, such that when it got lost, my world was in shambles. i couldn't study. i couldn't write a single code. my life as an in-progress-fail-programmer was sabotaged because i lost/misplaced/dropped my USB somewhere i don't remember.

i'm depressed! HUHUHUHU that 4gigs transcend USB covered with pink snoopy printed scotch tape meant a lot to me. a lot, meaning my entire database and OOP grades rely on it. my notes are there! my source codes! and they're not simply source codes. for one thing, THEY RUN.

WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! !@#$%^&*()_)(*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*()
>X(((((

ETA: Lord, my life is a mess. i couldn't get a single code to work. fucking red outputs all over! i'm in the mood for studying but my mind isn't. deppressed sya Lord. brain wants the USB back. huhu is there any kind of music that could awaken the dormant programmer in me? assuming that everyone has a dormant trait inside, then i would probably have a recessive programmer gene. wake it up Lord. please. i'm no good without my USB. it's kinda like my (academic) life. am i violating commandment #2? (or 1? idk) SORRY LORD. please please show me my USB WAHUHUHUHUHU WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

is this my karma for stealing a black 1 gig USB belonging to J**** R**** (i checked the files. couldn't resist to know if the guy's a good source. of codes). is it?? but i thought that was my good karma for sharing my homework to my friends.

oh the burdenssss of material attachment.  bwiset.

HUHUHU USB KO PLEZZZZ. T_T;