hopeless

life has been tremendously hostile at me. first i left my phone back in our house, which is a good two hours away from here, meaning i am totally devoid of communication from my friends far from here. there's nothing wrong with it, i guess. it's just one week, and come to think of it, i just saved myself a hundred bucks for the prepaid. hehehe. whew. then there's the chem test. i just figured out i got a certain number wrong. problem number 2 regarding the partial pressures. damn damn damn. i don't know where i went wrong, all i know is that i am guaranteed a deduction of 15 points... plus 20 because i got another problem wrong, so that's 35 points already! and there's a slim chance i'd get the true or false questions right so... urgh. nevermind. wow. depressing. totally depressing. so much for the happy endorphins i'm so desperately trying to grow.

i hate it when everything seems to crumble easily on my feet. things like this should be taken seriously, heck we're talking about my grades and my obvious candidacy for delinquency here, but i don't know where to start. i'm afraid i won't be able to build up a good future here. sad is, i can't imagine a good future for me anywhere. what should i study then? where should i specialize?

on the bright side of it all, i received an email from someone asking for permission to translate my fanfic to Russian for some Russian-speaking website. aww, i was flattered. come on, who wouldn't?

life here is becoming detrimental to my mental health. i am being soaked of things i can't absorb and drowned in a foreign sea for the sharks to feast upon. someone help me. please please just give me a good grade. that's all i ask. a satisfactory grade in math and chem. mehn.

i'm giving up the acer ferrari. the price is a whooping 129,000 at the least!! haha screw it. i'll just buy a cheaper laptop and adorn it with a ferrari sticker. much better.

oh yeah. i had a major system restoration within me days ago. i'm back to the usual grayscale blur of a love life. hahahaha.

i though it's a zero!

but it was a 3! an equally disappointing 3/10! well at least it broke the record. i'm not super sad. but i'm kind of feeling emo right now. you know what i'm listening to? huwag mo nang itanong - mymp. tsk. i can totally relate to the first line. hahahaha. mehn. first line lang!! hehehe.

anyway. i finally got another fic idea!!!! okay, i won't spill yet since chances are i won't have enough time to spare nosebleeding over the first chapter. but the good thing is, it's tragic and i love tragic endings. it's based on a movie. hahaha. weeee. and obviously it's gonna be harryXdraco. yeah. i'm so excited.

oh damn. PE again tomorrow!!! i don't exactly hate PE, but part of why i'm trying to avoid PE is because i've gotten myself used to the (semi) fact that i can't run anymore. and it hurts so much to limit your legs to only brisk walking and jogging. but just recently, i've just proved to myself that i can run! not just run but SPRINT. the actual ability i was so scared of losing. yeah. it was the night of the chem16 lab test and jonathan and i walked home together. we were just talking and laughing and scaring each other until we suddenly ran! haha, i had to chase him and that's when i realized, holy guacamoleeee i can ruuuunnn!!!!! yehey. hmm. but i have to make sure the stupid meniscal tear has totally healed itself (or at least went close to it) before i can fully enjoy this freeedooooomm!!!!

i can't wait to go home. i want to go to the fair (sa holy). hmmph.
hehehe...

oh so this is how it feels

aww. first time! i'm a growing lady! i think i'm in love! but i'm still under self-denial. heck, i won't even mention it to anyone. not to my sister, not to my friends, as in no one! not because i don't trust them! i just want to make sure i'm telling the truth before i finally admit it. hehehe. e ano to?

i was hurt. it was the first time i felt like this. like someone's scrunching up my heart and piercing a hole through it. it was err... yeah it was difficult but NOT to the point of me throwing myself on the bed face down and burrying my face on the pillow crying the hell out. hahaha. that's the advanced chapter of 'getting hurt with your imaginary lovelife'. who knows when i'll finally get there? hahah. not now duh. not ever.

back in the dorm awhile ago after my last class i was in a state of trance. i was sort of self-analyzing. make that 30 minutes. i was trying to grasp what's really inside my mind just to clear things out. i've realized a lot of things. like what friendship really is and how different it is from just getting awfully fond of someone. hmm.

hmm. i think i'm getting my second zero in chem16. we had a quiz awhile ago. and i swear i studied. i was even proud of myself when i got a couple of problems right regarding the gas laws. but just awhile ago, my mind went blank. not exactly but i guess i wasn't given enough time to digest the problem. here's when your prof is taking great pleasure in seeing his student's brows knot in absolute ignorance. i was like, "oh dear, how do you get the molecular formula again?" arrgghh. ok. totally no sweat getting an egg. mehn. pray for me. we have a long test in chem16 (again) this friday. wooooot!!

hopefully tomorrow will be a great day. i only have two subjects and there's a chance of another awkward stroll back home. ♥

home at last!

nothing is more stress-relieving than going online - if you're in my case. =) but then, i'm not really stressed! at least i think i don't look stressed. hahaha. i'm deleting my account in LJ - for good. i don't see a reason keeping it anyway. and i don't want more blogs to manage. yey.

this week:
i had fun at the most! i always do. i keep it a point to enjoy everything and laugh at the smallest things because it will keep me healthy and immune to illnesses. seriously. july has been a great help, she always keeps me laughing. =D then there's the chem16 lab test i've been talking about. i don't know my standing yet, i guess i answered some problems right but i didn't observe the significant figures. hahaha. ok lang. to shift or not to shift is still the question. hehehe.

haay. at last, i'm getting tired of siomai rice! haha, it's time to move on for another cheap alternative. as long as i eat a meal with a banana (w/c accdg. to research has an anti-depressant agent) i'll stay happy! hahaha. but it doesn't mean i'll live a worry-free life. in fact, i'm having jitters over our 2nd chem16 long test which our teacher said was 3 times harder than the first test. which means i'll probably get a score three times lower then. wow ha. hahaha. it's not funny, i'm worried as much as my classmates are. i'll just do what is due.

for the meantime, i'm happy that i'm still receiving reviews from my last fic. it's somewhat bolstering my ego. but hell, no matter how much i get of them, it won't help me pass chem16. hahahaha.

a dormmate asked me one night, athletic or musically inclined? hmm. i chose athletic. but at some point i want to consider both. hmmm. ewan. basta athletic, para masaya! i was never turned on by musically inclined men anyway. they just interest me because we're the same. i still go for the jocks. i seek adventure in the confines of my average life. e diba ganun sa chic-lits? it's the average girl who gets the jock. hahaha. besides, i've just proven that compatibility plays little role in nurturing 'love' - it just deepens the friendship. i go for the 'opposites attract' because they get more surprises and romance. you get real adventure. there's so much room for learning.. basta. ehehehe.

i'm having fun reading the section 'sketchpad' from the campus newspaper. hillarious!!!! a new look at gays. yeah, i love it. i'm want more updates from Luigi! hahahaha. there's a character designing contest sponsored by the up painters club i want to join but i lost my mojo when i saw the displays on a stray bulletin board. i realized i couldn't draw anime anymore. hehehe. either way, it's not a bad thing i lost my addiction to anime because at some point i was the one who purposely isolated myself from it. weee... i'm still addicted to coffee.

slacking off

my conscience says i shouldn't be here sitting comfortably in an airconditioned computer hub practically wasting what's left with my allowance. but my craves get the better of me. even though i have nothing much to do online, i'm always having this urge to surf. we have a long test in chem16 lab later at 7-9pm. sucks big time i know but our instructor assured us that it's going to be difficult. my classmates are so easy about this thing. they even rejoiced when our teacher dismissed us around 11 when we should be doing an experiment until 1. i'm happy too, but i'm not at peace. i have this moral dillemma that has been consuming my usual optimistic self. it's hard to keep the good endorphins working when you're stuck in a place you're an alien to. i'm talking about the chem16 lecture now. grr. my mind is not working well. i don't understand anything. and i have just recently discovered that i am so easy to please. i laugh at the simplest things around, even though it's not that funny and i'm the only one plastered with a huge grin in our group. how can it be that? does it also explain why i don't fret much about my low grades? i'm not at all pleased. but i wasn't born smart, i'm still in the process of learning how to be one. and this school is so tough, so fast, so inconsiderate that i couldn't keep up. my friends are all hyped on taking chem17 this summer. hell, because i know they'll pass chem16 with flying colors and chances are i'll be retaking it! so much for shifting. no no no. i shouldn't be assuming things already. haha, i should be positive. yeah right. be positive! you're the master of the happy endorphins!!

let's take the verse of the day for inspiration: Daniel 2:19-23
yes... He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning.

ok. let's all study!!!

they had it coming

two days to go before my sister's 18th birthday. we're not throwing a debut party, it's too impractical at this point of time. imagine during that week (this week) i have three long tests, and she has her own list of schoolworks to toil over. no party. just a simple blowout at the dorm. yeah, that would do. as her sister, i'm feeling obliged to do something for her. but what? i want balloons on the ceiling and a banner on the wall. i want a giant birthday card for her too. hay plans. but how am i going to do it? she'll be wanting my company for the ordering of foods and i'll be busy doing stuff with her haay, nevermind, i can do it. excited na nga ako eh.

anyway. my LJ account is active once again, but the juice will still be dispensed here. i'm considering putting up some of my formal compositions there. stuff i write in school and a couple of poems. not that they're good, i just don't want them disappearing in the hard drive. besides, i'm a master of incoherent thoughts and off-grammar ramblings, so there isn't anything to be proud of. even i can't understand myself when i write something formal.

my sister went ahead of me to los banos because she has a meeting to attend. so while i'm here i plan to study a bit in math17, fix my things, and maybe drop by fcm to buy something. oh well. maybe the balloons won't come in handy when i go back there (hell, she'll notice) so i'll think of something else. by the way, i was so proud of myself when i've finally memorized the cations and anions (w/ charges) for our lab manual. i got a lot of inspiration from God, seriously. plus, he gave me a a bottle of nutella so while studying i was on chololate high and i couldn't help licking my fingers clean of the sinfully delicious treat.

hmm. i'm afraid i lied when i said i've finally freed myself from the zahir. the truth is, i'm not yet over it. i feel sad whenever i think he's leaving and that i'll be stuck here alone in the dread. which is why i want to finalize my goals. i don't want to do something i'm not inclined to. help me Lord.

if you have been there, i guess that would have done the same.

comic striiiiiiip!

i made this january 7 while studying for chem16. half of the bond paper used was filled with junk computations while the other half was used to produce this yet another fruit of thy boredom, now with added inspiration (coming from the text message itself, if you've ever received it :D). hehe. i love the message. it's so cute. i wonder if someone's ever done this before, i mean the whole romantic interpretation of a very common signboard (here). hahaha.

it's friday and i'm home! i should be sleeping right now but i decided to go online first. i have exactly 20 minutes before my load expires. anyway, we went to sm megamall awhile ago to buy my sister's giftS. we're looking for a pink high-cut chuck taylor's sizes 7-7 1/2 - but we failed to. no sizes available, and SHE won't take anything but pink or hot pink. so demanding it freaks me out. if it wasn't for her birthday (her 18th birthday to be exact) i'll be scolding her for pressuring all of us just for an uber expensive sneakers. i've nothing against the mighty chucks (in fact i'm planning on buying one myself) but we're just so tired. we practically toured every sports shop including the department store but dear old fate won't cooperate. in the end we just bought her a little dog stuffed toy from toy kingdom (which she chose over a microbeaded pig). wow ha, that is so 18-ish. aside from that, my parents already put 50thou investment on her account. and tomorrow, she's going to continue her quest to find the perfect shoe. and i'm going with her! yey. weeeeee.

i have a lot of things to study!!! i have three exams next week, math17, chem16lab and psy1. yehey. good luck to meeee!!!

happy weekend!!!