here we go again. and again.

everyday is just so freaking frustrating. it feels like UPLB is happening all over again. the whole 'i don't belong here' crap is taking its toll on me. well at least i can explain why LB didn't work out, i wasn't meant for it in the first place. i just squeezed myself into it, in the process losing myself and my supposed purpose for entering the university. it was my efforts and pathetic-ness that brought me in, not really my UPG and my imaginary iska aura. haha but Smart? i don't even want to think it's THAT big, but in my sense it's almost UP-big. you know, the regard i have with UP, i feel with Smart. and now it's eating me whole. JUST LIKE 6 YEARS AGO. and if history really does repeat itself, them i'm gonna be out in 3 years and BE HAPPIER WITH MY NEXT CHOICE. 

is that how it must really work out? for one, i didn't beg my way into Smart. i got in by their usual regular process. no re-considerations, just in. isn't that something to be proud of? i think so, but NO. it's still a mystery how i passed their technical test. it's not that i'm being pa-humble or maybe underestimating myself, but who in their right minds would let my exam slip by? if you only knew. i'm not trying to question their application process but i really really feel like i never really passed the test. unless they have a 90-10 grading criteria for interview and exam respectively then maybe uhm. crap. haha. haha.

this is downright annoying right? me complaining about a job that i probably really deserved but thinks otherwise? 

i feel misplaced, AGAIN. 

there are times when i'm searching google for java tutorials and end up searching for cheap MMA schools instead. oyeah. 

hungry post

easy come easy go! i kinda overestimated the overtime pay i was so looking forward to this (pay)day. haha i thought it was gonna be big enough to cover part of my pamasahe allowance or even enough to slash off a few items on my to-buy list, but guess what happened? TAX!

work work work. i'm not really the workaholic type but i'm kinda being stressed out already because of the gravity of the task at hand. it's probably my fault for not studying diligently the past few weeks. i'm not sure. i already told you, self-studying is not my style, nor is disturbing equally busy people with my uhm, lack of programming fundamentals. LOL. if i could just, you know, understand the very foundation of this all then maybe i'd be in lesser crap? who knows?

nanaginip ako! at naalala ko!!

one of the rare ocassions that i actually remember my dreams when i woke up! these are just fragments though...

// i was in some sort of exhibit and there were 2 cockroaches at sight. i was with a friend but i can't remember who basta when the cockroaches were ready to attack, i screamed his name for help and i grabbed one of the styro baords for defense and just continuously smacked it aimlessly on the air. i remember smacking a cockroach face down. i felt triumphant LOL but then, the other cockroach sortof took revenge and flew straight to me! eeew, my styro shield was no help as i fell to the ground and screamed AAAAAHH. then i woke up... screaming parin. nakakaloka.

// in this certain fragment, may special guest tayo... Angelica Panganiban! hahaha i dunno where i was but in that particular scene, angelica was wearing an ostentatious red dress, bright red lipstick and an equally kitschy fascinator! she looks like she came straight out from her taping of Here Come's the Bride hahaha. in that scene, the driver dropped her off in the middle of the street and she was grumbling about it. the sky was gloomy and a tornado was brewing and i was behind the bushes ata, watching the clouds. then suddenly, the clouds turned into a shape of a dragon which slithered down the pasture, destroying the crops and blahhh... it was freaking scaryyy so i ran for my life. tapos while running down the hill i saw a dog also running for his life, then it tripped and i heard it crying so i caught it up in my arms and pacified the poor thing. and kyot kyot kyot nung aso parang maliit ng golden retriever slash cocker spaniel tas naglalaway na sa takot. ganun. ang kyot. ang scary. then gising na ko.

// third dream! i was in a room with my crush from work HAHAHA. inaasar ko lang sya na ang gwapo gwapo nya. tas sya naman nagdedeny lang, nagtatago pa sa unan. yun lang. anlandi haha.

pangarap ka na lang ba?

dear Lord, please give me an art scholarship and i'll quit. LOL. srsly srsly srsly. iba yung excitement pag nakakakita ako ng magagandang artworks. iba yung inggit pag nakikita ko ung mga kaibigan ko na masayang nagaaral ng visual/multimedia arts tapos ako hindi masaya sa ginagawa ko. pag nagddrowing naman ako, kahit alam kong hindi ako ang pinaka-magaling okay lang eh masaya parin ako. per pag nagpprogram ako, dahil alam kong hindi ako magaling, nakakawalang gana na, nakakawala ng morale. Lord. huhu. nakaka-frustrate. nakakabaliw ung ganto diba. hayy. nakaka-emo! huhuhu

50 shades of what?

i was curious about this whole grey thing so i decided to download the trilogy as ebook. oha. that's probably my last confident download because of that bullshiz of a cybercrime law. then again, with a self-serving law like that which only protects its proponents, i believe they wouldn't care about small bloggers like me. HAHA and come on, i don't even think our country has enough technology to actually chase criminals online.

back to grey. note that i'm not finished the book yet hahaha. hmm, the first few chapters actually bored me. maybe it's because i've read tons of romance novels involving ultra rich and obnoxious hunks paired with young insecure and dead smitten girls. i didn't like how the 'love' story started... parang love at first sight lang sya ewww. it's like mr. grey instantly liked ms. steel without any clue on what's so special with her. puro given lang! the development of their feelings lack detail and progress. i didn't even like ms. steel's character, it's full of vanity and boredom and she's totally not lead girl material. as far as i have read, the only thing that probably carried this book off the shelves is the, as they put it, porn. WHICH i might say, is freaking overrated!!! seriously, i've read better lemon fanfics. come on. i'm disappointed, this book doesn't deserve the attention it's getting. or maybe it's too early to judge? k.

DSWD twitter account gets hacked by Anonymous

oh well, hackers gonna hack.
click to zoom >:)

how long has it been

i've been sick for the most part of this week, which caused me to be away from work for 2.5 days hayy sweldo. not a good sign for a probi struggling to make progress with her tasks on hand. haaay java. when will i ever understand you. such a bogart. thank God i'm feeling much much much better now, ready for tomorrow i guess? whew, but can you believe it... the dread is back. i'm feeling deadly jitters all over again since this afternoon... i have sooo much to make habol with i don't even know where to start... there's work, then there's yearbook, then there's the dark matter... you know, the unaccounted mass responsible for making me feel this worried. Loord!!! kinakabahan akooo! and i think it's because i'm afraid of work! i'm afraid of not being able to deliver, to LEARN stuff they expect me to. my head isn't even at the verge of explosion due to information overload... more like it's at the verge of shrinking for not being able to absorb ANYTHING. gawd why. my head is full of air. this is so frustrating because time is running out fast and i've still got loads to learn. learn. learn. why is it so hard to study. >XS

jitters still intact. i cry nao. >:'S