fudgery (aka kaartehan)

i don't know what's worse, posting crap about someone in blind items publicly, or telling crap about someone specifically behind their backs (or behind them, depends if you think behind their backs is actually their front). hmm. when it all comes down to it, every one's a bitch when they're angry. and well, for the lack of real friends or for the love of words, my anger is often vented into cyberspace; in my blog, in my tweets, in my statuses. and now that they don't seem to be doing me any good, i'm becoming desperate for another outlet. i look back to the old people in my life and hesitate because they've all distanced away from me, either that or i've become too wary that they might be too busy to hear me out or something. ang pathetic e no. my friends would totally hate me for this fudgery.

it's unfair to call myself alone. i know there are people out there who are willing to listen to me but well, the choice is not theirs. i can't just pick any friend to confide with. my world has gotten smaller. every little thing i do gets noticed. i am subject to every scrutinizing pair of eyes. the pressure is freaking me out. this isn't another crap load of assumptions i made to put the spotlight on myself. i could totally break anytime. and people would think i'm still being self-centered.

it sucks cos i have to limit myself to this blog. i've probably become too self reliant to ever consider other people's help. i never thought people would hate me for this. seriously. fuuudge. here i was breaking out of mediocrity and people think i'm being too big. the trust i was so hopeful of digging out fell 6 more feet under. this is hopeless. i feel annoyed. and betrayed for the nth freaking time. 

and i'm afraid that one day you'll discover all this shit and leave. it's takes a heart to accept things which cannot be changed, no matter how good the intentions are.

watda.

wrong move. super wrong move. perhaps you didn't realize the danger of what you just showed me. seriously, i'm not one to talk cos i'm not one to know in the first place. but. argh. been in tears for a while now. can't handle the truth, apparently. can't trust anyone. period. and i guess no one can convince me out of this, not even you.

Day 30 - Your Highs and Lows of this Month

July high - WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
July low - i can't seem to run out of things to do and think about. >XO

natapos din. half-assedly but the what the heck. >:)
this has been a very interesting month for me so far. except for thesis. which is the least bit interesting. >:|

Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days

My ultimate goal is to do well in ICON week and give just requital to my grades who just took a nosedive to hell.

sometimes i wonder if all of this happened because of too much curiosity and crap. sometimes i regret ever screwing with the timing, the plans and everything. Lord, what do you say in all of this? cos seriously, it's taking up a lot of my brain. >XO i don't usually worry about things like this because the lack of formality gives me literally no reason to assume further, and besides, they say i'm kinda dense and won't take an action for a hint. it was cool until 20 years later.

another thing.
i'm sleepy and i'm having a hard time accepting that there is in fact loads of work for me to do. tons of photoshopping and reading and writing and reviewing. blah.

Day 28 - Something that you miss

afternoon naps. definitely.

who would've thought i'd get some sensible input from one of the most unlikely guys ever. seriously! he's turning into one of my closest and it's a crazy big breather. thank you Lord.

Love versus In Love

i've read this before but failed to note it. now i'm reposting it from tumblr because this is exactly how i see it.

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

Louis de Bernières (Captain Corelli’s Mandolin)

and yet most people think they're in it for the long haul without realizing they're still in the superficial "in love" stage. anyway, enonaman. osabagay mags-subside naman talaga sya eventually as the relationship progresses, and that's where you have to decide whether you're truly in it for the endless lug. paka old fashioned e no, parang walang patutunguhan yung mga ganitong pananaw. pero totoo yan a!

Day 27 - A problem that you have had

how cool is this, i was looking for him all over facebook a month back and just earlier, he made me realize that we've been friends all along, and that he was the one who added me first because... i don't remember. he just told me he searched me up and added me cos he saw my name somewhere as some kindofan officer somewhere i don't remember. he resembles my best friend so much, physically. >:) this night was pretty cool. i was like, seriously we're fb friends?! and i accepted you?! who are you?! weow. >XD

uhm. okay. quite honestly, i don't feel comfortable blogging here anymore but i've grown so fond of this place and look, LOL, i have a pagerank of 1. it's so hard to rank nowadays you know! and i was wondering where most of my visitors came from so i checked my stats and saw quite an awful lot of chuck bartowski searches. hey guess what, search it up on google and see the "images for chuck bartowski" part on the web search page. the first pic directs to my blog. how cool is that. seriously. haha

another high ranking search is "how to turn off chat on facebook 2011". just LOL. i wish i could monetize this traffic. traffic is still traffic. no matter how small it is. haha

oh hi, where is my sense of urgency. >XO

all my midterms still suck but i'm working on it. why must this trimester be exponentially harder?!

my boss prompted me to this children's story writing contest. i'll look into it but srsly, hahaha. i'll also TRY to write something for that peace essay writing chorva. i joined and failed last year, so i wanna try again! bwaha. 

yesterday, the shanghai siomai girl from the food court was like this to terai, 

ss girl: parang kilala kita

terai: >8|

ss girl: ikaw yung nahablotan ng bag sa jeep noon

terai: >8O

ss girl: grabi yun! dun ako dapat uupo sa pwetan ng jeep e. grabe talaga takot ko nun. dahil dun natuto ako, hindi na ako umuupo sa pwetan. delikado na. 

terai: >XD hehe

galeng diba! how cool is it to be recognized like a celebrity! LOL di nga, at least someone learned from terai's mischief! odiba, galeng nung coincidence. haha

and now to a problem i've had:

by 'had' it must be imperative of something that has already been solved. 

uhm. problem. masyadong marami i dunno where to start. i think my greatest problems haven't been solved yet, i'm still facing them kasi hahaha. ewan. problema. ano ba. pera? ah yeah, the one with my good friend! it was a problem. and it was solved. friendship issues! it strengthens the bond i guess! i mean, after the dispute, everything was much better. super. ayun. that's it. 

btw, i feel sad that i can't open up to just anyone about my worries because. because. i don't know where their loyalty lies. have you ever felt like you were so keen on pouring everything out but you just can't cause the people around you don't seem interested enough in what you have to say or that they have a tendency to report it to someone else urgh and you feel friendless and lonely and crap. like no one's on your side and everyone's spying on you. jusme a. lalo na kung hindi naman tungkol dun sa gusto nila malaman yung ikkwento mo and in fact, makaka-spoil pa dun sa gusto nilang malaman. hay. nakakalungkot kaya yung excited ka magkwento pero parang hindi naman interesado yung tao so okay, nevermind na lang. chaka lamo yung, conscious ka na rin sa mga kinikwento mo kasi hindi mo alam kung pano nila ii-interpret yun baka isipin, nanggugulo ka nanaman or nagpapa-pansin or nagpapa-ekek porket alam mong si ganto ay ganto at yung kwento mo e masyadong ganto. sus. 

nowadays, it's so friggin hard to get someone to listen to you with all ears and no bias and who wouldn't think you're all about yourself and crap. oh come on.