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grabe lang. this week has been alarmingly stressful. i try to act normal but at the end of the day, when nothing else is there to distract me, i'm back to dwelling in this shit. this shit i've caused... by heeding improper judgment, false assumptions and a bunch of supporters who believe i'm fighting the good cause. apparently, as i've realized, we were all clouded by our prejudices.


it already sucks that i'm now known as an immature, backstabbing, serial complainer who's too afraid to be honest with her feelings, by none other than the dean, my previous boss, and eventually my future employer.

shit happens. and it's high time for me to screw up. had i not decided to be 'true' to myself, this would've gone peacefully. but apparently, i practically blew all the hope that was there. i've realized that what the bible says about truth having the ability to set you free, is only applicable if you define truth in the context of the scripture. it's not the type of truth that you deal with everyday, such as your feelings, cos it can be altered, and heck it could even be false. we were born fools. and that's a truth.

my boss was right, but she still lied. i was wrong okaaaay. i took the entire yesterday crying my balls out. there was regret, a ton of guilt, self pity and a whole lot of disappointment in myself. how could i have done such a stupid act? and why are these people so uhm, supportive? >:| they didn't know better. and so was i.

i'm afraid this ugly feeling in my chest, will remain for months. until i've proven even a bit of myself. i could've just resigned, but i wanted to make it up to my. uhm, i dunno. i wanna patch things up, by proving them wrong. specially the dean, who misunderstood me, and to those who think i'm the abovementioned type of employee, who's better off unemployed.

i just don't understand why there are still people who think i've done the right thing, right when i've just ruined my own reputation. i followed their advice, i became true to myself. and this is my fucking harvest.

whatever you sow, you must sow in the right ground, lest you harvest the wrong fruit, or not harvest anything at all.

i thank everyone who's genuinely concerned with what i'm going through right now. i appreciate them, super. >:)
have a great weekend.

you cheer me up

because i'm having such a hard time figuring out what to do with my problems, terai bought me these to cheer me up! a set of stabilo markers (my, err...7th set of colored pens haha), a red akatsuki cloud cellphone chain from comic alley, and a pint of selecta coffee crumble ice cream (my 2nd pint this week OTL).

aww. i've been extremely paranoid lately. i can't stop acting like a cow. it was mistake i listened to THESE adults. i trusted their instincts so much because for one, they're in the right position to tell me what to do, and also... they seem to be old enough to know what to advise me to do. i wish i had listened to my parents instead. 


anyway. what's done is done. i need all the courage to talk to my boss tomorrow. this has grown into such a troublesome gossip i don't know what to do anymore. actually, i do, but i have no idea if it's right. i'm just banking on the possibility that's it's gonna work. but first i need to fix this issue with my boss. 


Lord, help me. 

A POEM FOR YAN

Y.A.N.

(You Are Nuts)

Never lame

Always game

Has dark skin

But always keen

Has short hair

But always dare

Has short height

But always fight

Has J and M

And Yan is the name

by: Bon Lemuel Dela Cruz

haaay ayoko na

but why can't i quit right now? pera pera lang yan e. i can't quit because my savings are down and i'm out of revolving funds. it sucks because i never really thought of saving because i was so secured with my job. i didn't expect it will come to this. with me dreading every single day i spend at the library. it's hell to the core.

i wouldn't know what to say if she suddenly asked me if i'm transferring. sure i wanted to, but i wanted to make sure i can really make the transfer before i answer. and right now, things are bleak. what if she asks me? what will i tell her? if i tell her yes, and failed to transfer, everything would be awkward from then on. if i tell her i'm not doing anything of the sort, then go about asking her permission to, i'm doomed.

aaaaah, onga naman no? EITHER WAY I'M DOOMED. so to hell with it. i'm telling her i'm transferring. in case it doesn't happen, i'm resigning. 

e kasi naman i feel useless not earning money. epal. entangled by the strings of worldliness. plus it doesn't help that i feel like crap everyday because of work. parang wala na kong nagawang tama lately eh.

it's my fault news reached her. i wasn't too cautious either. tsk

on wired and wireless internet connection

testing the strength of smart bro and globe tattoo here in my room. apparently, this place is not good for broadband internet connections. i don't know if it's because we have 4 levels altogether or the walls here are too thick the signals can't pass through (huh?). it's really the house e. smart is pretty strong here in terms of cellphone signal but the broadband is damn weak i couldn't even load speedtest.net

on the other hand, globe is such a pain when i'm inside the house. signal is decent ONLY at the 2nd and 3rd floor. it's weak at the 1st floor and dead on the basement and that's where the office is. bwiset. anyhooow, broadband? so far it's better than smartbro... JUST IN THIS ROOM. i'm not saying globe tattoo broadband is better than smartbro, cos reallyyy when it comes to wireless connections, it all depends on the LOCATION.

i still want DSL but if i can manage with globe tattoo, hmm ok lang din. >:)

kkkk, marathon time! >:D TAE KYUUUNG!!!

MOAR!!!

oh right. so i've finally decided on something. i'm transferring to a different department, that is if i get allowed to, otherwise i'm filing for resignation. i don't wanna make it look like i'm having such a hard time at the library, cos the truth is (and as i've mentioned countless times) the work is bearable. i'm an easily bored person and i enjoy being busy, what i can't handle is the way she dumps work on us like we're part of the *geek alert* transport layer of an OSI reference model with a dysfunctional (or worse, nonexisent) flow control [1]. plus the fact that the dusty shelves are aggravating my allergies. well, i can even accept her delegating patterns as long as i'm given enough space and peace of mind to focus on it. which hardly ever happens.

i don't know. i wanna take charge of this in the most diplomatic way possible. help me Lord.

kkk, fine fine fine. i have a political map to do for my friend. a quiz to review on, aaaaand A DVD OF HE'S BEAUTIFUL SA WAAAKAS

oh and finally, i'm gonna try bon's 15-in-1 barako coffee. LOL

my day has just begun. >:)

[1] - in networking there's a concept called flow control which regulates the amount of data flow from the server to the client or from the sender to receiver. say for example the sender trasmits packets of data too fast and many for the client to handle; with flow control, the receiver won't be accomodating these data streams simultaneously (lest it might overclock/hang/freeze/dieeee), instead it deals with them one by one, each with a prompt confirming the reception of the said data.

this can be observed when transferring files from one device to another. unless the receipient specifies automatic reception, the data will not be delivered until the receiver acknowledges the sender.

i hope you get it. i did my best. OTL

still a crab

but i'm out of the hole-full of crabs for now. i'm wandering on the shore with my co-crabs. we're getting along well, that is, you know, until we get into another hole. haha


see what i mean? i thought i was the only one bickering about our job but looks like i have the entire pack with me. i tried to be good, i mean, i tried to look at the bright side, i tried to convince myself that i'm only feeling this way because i haven't been performing well. but hmmm, there's really something wrong with her. that i've realized after hearing my colleagues sentiments. we all feel the same.

now i feel normal.

yeah. that's all i needed, people to assure me that i'm not the only one undergoing such an emotional torment. here's what i heard lately, she wants to replace ALL of us. you know if that happens, the only words i could tell her is "GOOD LUCK". in a cheerful manner of course. and that's the most polite thing i could say. i tried to imagine it but even in my most cheerful tone, the sarcasm overflows. couldn't get rid of it, apparently.

my only concern is that, getting fired on your first ever job doesn't sound good. and it doesn't matter whether it's your fault or not for landing a job with a boss who has a fancy for changing employees every three months (she changes maids every 2 months). keynote is: i'm getting fired. it's a relief and a worry at the same time. of course, the relief goes to finally breaking free of her. and the worry goes to looking for a next job, or a next department... depending on how the HR weighs our termination. she's not ignorant of what's happening below her anyway, and i'm counting on that. >:)

why am i so apprehensive about this impending doom?