i'm such a crab

and this crab needs a break. from work. from school. from the people around me.

i'm not growing.

and everyday i abhor the growing amount of distrust i feel towards the people close to me. minsan i want to quit the friendship because i'm not comfortable with their attitudes anymore. i don't understand if i'm the one lacking, or they all seem too immature. 

not enough sense. not enough tact. not enough respect. too much pride on my part.

i wanna be on my own. would it be so bad to ask for new friends without looking like i abandoned my own pack? ang sama ng dating pero nakakasawa na. seriouuuussss. ang sama sama ko pero, sa totoo lang, i'm fine with just two of them. and they're not the two people you're thinking about, maybe one of them is, but not the other. 


waaah. sorry. >:((((

isa lang naman talaga gusto ko e, a pint of selecta coffee crumble ice cream. yun lang. >:''((((( chaka DVD ng "he's beautiful." hay

nothing like ant bites, backstabs, and a low quiz to ruin my day. 

dramaramarama

i told my parents i was resigning and they both beamed up. finally i can visit the hospital to get my ever so aggravating allergies checked. finally i can enroll at driving school. finally i can get an appointment at DFA. finally i can accept freelance projects. finally i can swim everyday. finally.

it seems like i was robbed of the time i need for myself ever since i started juggling work and school together. honestly, it wasn't a hard job, my studies were consistently okay, and my job wasn't a hindrance to it. maybe i was too engrossed with earning money. it was quite addictive. when i got my first salary i couldn't wait for the next one. being idle and cashless has grown into a fear which caused me to hold on to anything that sustains me monetarily. which, right now, is my job as a student assistant at the college library.

i love being around books. i enjoy shelving them in order. i enjoy troubleshooting with network problems. i enjoy being of assistance to people who're looking for books. i love my co-SA's (WAHAHA). i don't mind carrying heavy objects. but i hate my boss.

anyhow, i'm pretty sure she doesn't want me there anymore either. and i don't want to give her the satisfaction of firing me before i can even file my resignation. but wait. i'm not sure yet. if i lose this job i'm gonna be broke for months indefinitely until i get a new (and hopefully better) job. and i hate being broke for a long time. 

i'm not sure where this entry is leading to. i want to buy a dvd of He's Beautiful and run a marathon with a pint of selecta coffee crumble ice cream. i want to subscribe to DSL to be able to stream anime/tv series/movies.

Dear Lord. i want to meet my soulmate now. soulmate po a, hindi boyprend. >:| nakakaiyak walang mapagbuhusan. and it's not like i'll easily open up just because someone's willing to listen. truth is, there are people who are always willing to listen to me. but either they're too far away, they wouldn't understand, or i don't trust them enough. SUPER SORRY. haynako ayokong mag-emoemohan by saying i'm so fucking aloooone. kasi feeling ko i'm being unfair to my friends who are always there. masakit kaya yon. to be regarded as someone distant right when you're so near. ewan. 

wala akong mapagkatiwalaan dito.


but the good thing is, i laugh every day. it's a blessing that i'm always laughing, i wasn't like this at LB. e kasi naman dito, there's always something to laugh about. WAHAHAHA sarreh.


i can't stop being mean. i'll try to contain it, promiiiiise. >:)

supercaffeinated yeah

i'm excited to FORCE my friends to buy our fund-raising shirt, which is the one i designed. LOL. i finally convinced meg to sell the damned thing for profit and of course, for artist exposure KUNO. bwahahaha i know it's a really cool shirt, i'm proud of it. and it's gonna bring the org some cash so i'm entitled to act like a stage artist (pun intended) for it. oh shirt, i'm so proud of yaaaaaah, you go shirt! >:)

i'm jimm's slave tonight. yessssss. but why? two weeks of school and i'm already drugging myself? too early! you wanna know why? 4 major major things:

1) tarp design - i slacked off on this job for months and tonight is payback time. it sucks cos i don't even have time to bring the softcopy to the tarp printer, i'm not even sure if they're open on weekends, or if they're still open for business by now LOL last time i checked, they have no clients. oh Lord, i need em this weekend specially this superfriendly rate of 20 per square feet. >:(

2) seminar invitations - this should be a piece of cake if i weren't such a loser at putting 'inviting' words together.

3) seminar certificates - i've done this before so... ok. DONE!!! >:D >:D >:D

4.) digicir quiz! yes i'm so serious with my studies i'm putting this off for the next 5 hours. yehey

library this morning was, believe it or not, fine. even though i have to multitask every 5 minutes, at least i didn't get called for something i've done wrong, AGAIN. hahaha

since i have no majorcrush, well i have 2 minorcrushes but they're so minor, KAYA NAMAN: i'm back to flailing over korean boyssss!

TAE KYUNG!!! grabe lang yung kilig ko kanina, sooo highschoool!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ WAAAAHH!!!!

in fairness

my boss didn't flare at me this morning. so i was in a good mood the entire day. believe me, the moment i saw her head poking up behind her monitor at the back first thing in the morning, my whole body was filled with dread. whenever she calls me, my head screams, "what the hell have i done agaaaaiin?!?!?!" and whether or not she's calling me for good or otherwise, the feeling remains dreadful. this is so unhealthy, i'm like triggering the production of toxins in my body by harnessing bad stress! this could render me sick, anytime.

i wanna be stressed for GOOD. here's my favorite type of stress, getting frozen when my majorcrush is within 5 yards. or twelve. INCHES. WAHAHAHA that's pooooositive stress! something i don't mind getting everyday cos it's healthy. oo sabi sa radyo. but apparently, i'm majorcrushless!!! >:( and what's taking up most of my mind right now is prospecting for a future job, in case i get fired... which is very likely, with the way i've become the apple of eye lately. haysows. if this morning was good, which is weird, then for sure tomorrow will be bad.

i'm not being negative, i'm just lowering my expectations to a harmless level. preparing for the worse of things to come. being realistic. yun. wahehehe

i wanna watch He's Beautiful WAAAAAAHHH >8D >8D >8D

haynako if i wasn't such a slave for money

i'm quitting soon. :) recently, with the so many small mistakes i've done, i don't think my presence is still an asset in the library. not the right soil for me to grow, apparently. after this term i'm going job hunting! yehey! >:) eto lang talaga, allow me to be bitter for awhile. i still can't forgive my boss for threatening me about losing my job and for making parinig that she's giving my task to the new SA in hopes na "baka bumilis".

aba aba. let's see kung bibilis nga.

that's why i was in such a sour mood awhile ago, then my monthly curse kicked in so i was both pissed physically and mentally. hay. and tomorrow, tomorrrrrow is yet another dreadful day, i'm gonna be at my boss' mercy again. i just hope she'll give me back the stat job cos i'm the best person for it, seriously. i hate barcoding. well, i hate everything she makes me do. but it's the 

feelings like this should not be tolerated right? specially if you're in the workplace. if anything else, you shouldn't feel tensed everyday. and because i do, the it must mean this isn't the right job for me. actually, what made this term scary is the new SA policy which says we're going to be evaluated by our bosses, and from there decide whether they still want to keep us or not. kaya ang lakas ng loob nya na balaan akong hindi na nya ko irerenew. 

i hate her ways. but i know i've been a terrible employee too so perhaps i don't have the right to speak this way. pero seriously. this is unfair. 

the library is a mess. specially the shelves. hay. i hate to leave it that way but there's too much time involved in restoring the books in their proper order.

you always disappoint me grabe. or maybe i was expecting too much. >:|

yesterday. terai and i came to the last day of the 9th Filipino Franchise Show. adventure cos we didn't know how to get there, at world trade center, pero madali lang pala. >:) mrt to taft, lrt to gil puyat, then orange jeepney to MoA. yun na yun. it was our first time there aaaand, hmmmmm, okay lang namaaaan! everything's worth the sore feet, aching back and headache because:

1. i get to go out

2. and eat a looooot

3. with my sister

4. without spending a single cent

the perks of being bunso, or more fittingly, the perks of having a working, SINGLE, older sister. WAHAHA

after FFS we went to MoA for a while to rest. e dyusko it was the end of the 3-day sale, plus it was a sunday so the place was super duper mega packed. bwiset lang. then there were cosplayers walking around. my con yata sa SMX, the hell i care. 

maybe it's a good thing i grew out of being a major otaku. i can't imagine the shame of cosplaying. but i understand them, i WAS a fan din naman. and i can relate to them, just not in costume. yun nga lang, and don't get me wrong, i see it as a tragic human effort to look like toys. to transform into an artificial attraction. 

it's almost idolatry. aaah sige, i don't wanna sound hurtful. sarreh. i have friends who cosplay anyway. and i love them.

back to the main event, FFS sadly wasn't as good as WOFEX (Word Food Expo). DUH shempre i know they're two different events, the one is a franchise show organized specially for enterprising individuals and the other is a food expo made for, uhm, hungry people??? biased ako cos i'm accounting its value on the amount of FREE FOOD i got. HAHAHA shempre WOFEX na, busog eh. 

WOFEX next year taralets! >:D >:D >:D

a view from my window

 taken last wednesday. a solitary dead tree.

but on closer look, there's so much life in it. probably much more than the live trees around it. sadly, my phone camera isn't high-def, but the dots you see on the tree's branches are actually birds.

this scene made my afternoon so meaningful.

yesss. nagpapaka-deep! >:))

i'm scared of losing my job. scared of losing that string of independence i have against my parents. i'm not being rebellious or anything, trying to make money on my own. duh, but of course it's about time i do make money on my own. i'm on the right age. and my conscience (or was that pride?) can't take it any longer that i'm still fully, 100%, living off on my parent's income. i should be out of school, working now, but instead my parent's still have to send me to school for 2 more years. i want to pay them back, not exactly monetarily, by buying my own stuff... like a laptop. LOL i want mommy and daddy so save all their income for retirement. that's all. i don't wanna be a burden. i'm old enough. >:)

that's why, with my boss' foreboding threat about my termination, i am now scouting for possible part-time jobs outside school. i'm probably being negative, but I WANT TO LEAVE ANYWAY (defense mechanism, sorry). haha. i have a list. but. err. we'll see. Looooordddd!!!! >:((((