a kasi ganito yan

i thought i already ate my words when i said i didn't want to know anything that could jeopardize close friendships. but now, i'm back to being at it. for feeling regretful that i was ever curious. >:| i want to bring back the times but i couldn't. once or twice, it doesn't matter, it's the same dreadful feeling. and as much as i can avoid it, I WOULD. >:(

here are my hatest feelings in the world, in no particular order:

1. mukang tanga - not doing anything when everyone else is busy. feeling genuinely happy and thrilled about something that's actually a lie, specially with your friends as the fabricators. assuming something, that has been born as a fictional idea, into reality, therefore making yourself a victim of your own illusions.

2. guilt - it gets in the way of everything. to avoid this, i try to be GOOD. as in 'generally' good so as not to harness such unnecessary and crippling emotion.

3. helplessness - my ego's quite big for a girl. i'm not sure. but i hate looking helpless, or being offered help, right when i know i can do the damn thing better than the one offering it. i'm no damsel in distress (you should know how much i hate em). i need no knight in shining armor. i hate knights in shining armors. all they care about is whether they've shown enough of their masculinity to the world, and what better way to flaunt it than to help poor, weak girls who can't carry their own asses. PLUS they can't do without horses. it's part of the package. haha don't get me wrong, i appreciate all acts of kindness/concern. i just hate looking weak. that's all. but i like gentlemen, of course.

4. ilang - i don't know my way around it. i hate it because it makes me want to hide and not see the person for a long and indefinite amount of time.... until the feeling has subsided. or we both have died. LOL sucks a lot fighting it. i'd rather hide, seriously.

30 minutes

blogging from school, while working. hehehe

it's really a privilege working as an enrollment SA. for one, you get free food (2 snacks and a lunch). then you get paid full time. there's no low down at times like these, after all, i enjoy being busy. i've just gotten my schedule, thanks to dan for enlisting me >:) aaaaand, looks like i can't maximize my work hours to 20 per week. :( the most i could get is 18 hours, including saturdays. and i know mom's gonna protest, so i dunno, i'll try to cook up a good excuse for that. thing is, i can't afford to not work on a saturday cos that's gonna cost me 4 hours of wage! accumulated, that's minus 800 a month. and i need money. for personal reasons of course... like a laptop, a digicam, and the monthly internet bill. LOL

so, i'm planning on working someplace else, like, AT HOME. LOL my odesk payroll card has been sitting in my wallet for months and i haven't written anything freelance. unless i get too busy, then we'll see. :)

i really wanted to try working there. God knows i need to start saving, SERIOUSLY.

and it occurred to me that this blog is cursed. i did remind myself to quit posting future plans and stuff BUT this time, i wanna see if it's for real. imma break that stupid and silly paranoid curse i fabricated to scare the gits out of me. >:|

now we're down to 20 minutes. :)

later, probably. >:)

ok. hinga muna. then chiiiiilllll. whew

again. when will i ever get over the pettiest things?
hmm, can i break my promise? it's JM. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
flipped is the new word. it sounds better than giddy and twiterpatted.



ok. he still hurts me. unconsciously. of course, it would've been different if he knew. i mean, if i weren't too shy about having a major major crush on him. i know he knows. but deym i'm too shy. and every time i'm with him i alwaaaays pretend to be crushing on someone else, or at every cute guy in school JUST SO he would think my having a crush on him isn't a big deal. i want him to think, so what if she likes me? she likes everyone else anyway. ugh. but sometimes i regret acting that way. sometimes i think if i acted a bit more uhm, comfortable or unshy or sige na nga MALANDI, he would've dropped the hint and made a move. or something. maybe not. ilusyonadang weirdo.

but really. you know what hurts me? MEOW!!!!
most of the time i seriously he think he doesn't like me. for one, MEOW!!!

LE FUUUUU--

hala natakot ako bigla. eto nanaman, these guys can't get over my voice apparently. yaaaaaakkkk eeeewwww. i remember the first guy who called about my phone, lintek, he kept on flattering me, kesho nakaka-inlove boses ko, bagay sakin buhok ko (he asked for my fb acct), ang ganda ko raw, bullsheeet, para yata maka-discount WTH pero in the end hindi naman bumili. 

it's 5k flat you idiots. 

so far 3 na yung naging positive buyers pero wala ring natuloy. yung isa, nautangan, yung isa di nagreply, yung isa, nang-indian. 

and now, eto mukang positive na talaga. sa sobrang positive, ininvite nako agad sa gimik after we meet. gusto raw akong maging close friend. T____T;; ganun din, tawag ng tawag. namiss daw ang boses ko. the fuck, mehn. may pa iloveyou! iloveyou! pang nalalaman. shet. shempre reply ko,

WRONG SEND.

anyway, eto palagay ko. MODUS OPERANDI. what if, he's just tryna hook up with me so he can taze me and take all my money? ohnooooo hahaha and he wants to go on a gimik right after our meet-up pa. nevermind bro. i'm not selling my phone to you. ano na lang.

i won't sell it anymore. haha good idea. wth.

wrong about Flipped (spoiler alert)

at first it didn't quite interest me, but when i came reading towards the end, the seemingly shallow pseudo-love affair between bryce and juli became totally engaging because of uhm, the conflicts with their families. i thought it was all about how juli pursued bryce with all the positive energy in the world and even to the point of embarrassment. the story wasn't flipping enough AT FIRST. that's until juli came to the point of hating bryce because she finally discovered how much he's such a jerk. i loved juli's character for being so honest and straightforward and kind. i loved her more when she realized that bryce isn't worth her attention at all. then i loved her best when she gave the boy another chance at the end..... 'to be seen in a different light', as she puts it.

the thing about the basket boys sounded too flick-ish, like i'm watching straight from an overrated teen movie. right, it's a teen novel, i forgot. but anyway, it's a good thing juli broke from that almost-kiss. i would've hated her (a bit) if she gave in to her feelings hahaha. what's with me and my fancy for hard-to-get girls? lol. hmm, another thing, bryce being the it-guy seemed all too weird to me. he's a wimp. i didn't like his character until he decided to change, for juli. awww. the best thing bryce did in the book was when he planted a sycamore tree on the baker's lawn. WAHAHA that was pretty touching, coming from a totally good-for-nothing character. yeah

what i learned from the book? NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER, pertaining to guys though. and i meant it the other way around. don't put too much regard on looks cos once you get to know them for real, you might get disappointed. oryt. that's all. bryce granddad said something nice too, it goes somewhat like this...

sometimes, the whole is less than the sum of its parts.

i haven't gotten around into thinking about it cos i still don't get it. but it's a pretty cool thing to ponder upon, mathematically... cos it's like a riddle. and i've got an answer for it. LOL it's like, 1 + (-1) + 2 + (-2) = 0
there are 4 parts to the left side of the equation but the sum is still 0. HAHAHA i'm probably not making sense. sorry.

or maybe what his graddad really meant was, BRYCE is not worth it. like, there's LESS to him than his bright blue eyes and sharp jaws and shiny hair. he's a jerk inside, is that it? hm. i think so.

alright. next: THE BOOK THIEF by Markus Zusak FINALLLYYYYY >;D

---------------

during my siesta, i dreamt that i was working for the FBI. >8D i have this classified brown envelope with an FBI seal, and i was working at our basement, using this laptop. God knows what, but my dad's into it too. COOOOOOL

i'm such an ass, i know >;P

out of the dread that cuts through me
the promise of dawn brings back the glee
the sun is my strength, the light is my refuge
a fortress unbeaten, a resolve unshaken


---------------

everything i say points out to you
you don't even need a gawdamn clue
and i must say, you're not always the case
so don't get so full of yourself and your fawking face
you might ignore it, you might not get it
so much for asking if you still can't feel it
i can't say it right, i can't say it loud
i might end up spilling
SHIT

------

i never wondered why you cared so much
it didn't strike me as something odd

-------

anong nakapagtataka kung parati kang andyan
ganun naman talaga pag matalik kang kaibigan
bakit ako magtatanong kung bat lagi kang alala
e sino ba namang hindi, lalo na kung gabi na

anong dahilan ko para magisip ng kung ano
kesho masyado kang mabait, ibig sabihin may gusto?
panu kung? ano kaya? mga tipo mong tanong
hindi mo tinatapos, pano ko sasagot?

----------

it was too late when i found out
about a love that was never realized

-------------

they say love is when your logic gets clouded with things
that makes you feel dumb, that brands you a fool
and turns you into a puddle of
SHIT

wimp

when will i ever get the courage to publish my drafts?

drafts as in blog entries i decided to keep from everyone because they're too confidential. like ano, love, ganon. chaka yung kay JM din pala, cos when he mentioned my blog once i panicked so i hid everything that has to do with him WAHAHAHA i was reading my drafts awhile ago and noticed how dead-smitten i was with my first love. i was laughing at my entries grabe. ako? nasulat ko yon? meee? honestly, i'm ashamed because i think i'm too old to be only experiencing this NOW. late bloomer amp. looking back, i wasn't as interested in the concept of love as i am now. yey dalaga na meeeeeeh. yehey. okaaaaay?

argh. i dunno why i'm such a kid when it comes to this. noob. nyarhghgashladha 

back to my drafts. they're a lot, i realized! and i'm tryna clean em up, so i'm going about checking if they're just crap entries or what. anyway. yown. 

btw, i have a crush on DJ and youth pastor Jordan Escusa of Perfect Rhythm, 702 DZAS. everytime we drive to church, he's on air. ♥ ♥ ♥ ganda ng boses ♥ ♥

hmmmmmm.

still not done with Flipped (Wendelin Van Draanen). so far, so.. hmm, not so interesting hehe. it's cute. but not really my type of story. maybe The Book Thief will interest me more, i'm soooo egzayted. >8D >8D