commitment phobia

i thought i'm just afraid of getting into a relationship. but i realized, any form of attachment scares me as well. i don't just accept responsibilities as they are. it's the fear of screwing up that's screwing me today. you know what, sometimes i feel like i can live on my own, without my parent's support, and not bail out on life. 3 years of independence, and a growing work experience are the things that influenced me into thinking this way. i can get a job, rent a room, and live.... simply, of course, but independently.

blah blah blah blaaaaaaahhhh

on waiting: if you decide to wait for someone, make sure you're at the right station. one where he'll surely pass by. HAHA and if ever you get lost, there'll always be someone to help you get back on your tracks. but it's double the effort nga lang. awww. yung kunduktor siguro. wawa naman.

jsadgtyiuytsdv a b;tiuobio

yey! i finally received my dean's list certificate! the admin prepared a lot for this tri's awarding because the FEU president, Ms. Echauz, graced the event and delivered a very very inspiring speech about hard work and the importance of education. i like her so much! she also shared the top 3 weaknesses of fresh grads when it comes to employment. it came from a survey answered by different employers... the findings were: 1) poor english communication skills 2) poor initiative 3) poor analytical skills. that was so helpful. i'll go work on those 3 lol.

okokokok. i hate you facebook. wala akong natatapos dahil sayo. grrr

♥

-- so yesterday, i excused myself from work to attend my mom's awarding at makati shang. i commuted from home and had only ice breaker for lunch. oh, i also went down at the wrong mrt station -- buendia -- supposed to be ayala haha. they were both undergound, so i got confused. i wasn't listening to the prompt, plus i was too busy covering my nonexistent cleavage. apparently i forgot i was gonna commute, and wore a sleeveless, plunging black top. hehe

-- i arrived at room 2204 looking extremely haggard. then i had to dress up quickly cos my mom was already dressed. nyahehehe blah blah blah blah

-- DINNER: gaaawd my favorite part. i promised to enjoy that night because terai and daddy will be the ones consuming the complimentary breakfasts the next day (na eat-all-you-can HUHUHU). so dapat, kakain ako ng madami! oh my gawd, i thought the appetizer was already the main dish. anyway, a company executive was present at our table and we both noticed how delicious the food was (walang kamatayang shrimp and smoked salmon salad. i get this every time i'm on a fine-dinning treat) and that it was lacking sparkling white wine. haha my mom enjoyed the food too!

-- pero kasi ganito yan. there was a vacant seat beside me tapos nilagyan din ng food nung waiter. so i was practically lusting over the plate next to me. i wish i could eat it too! hayok sa appetizer ampota! eh wala namang uupo dun eh! HAHA i mentioned it to my mom, gusto rin nya. you know what happened? i noticed mr. executive whispering something to the waiter, then pointing to me. WTF. then it happened, the waiter took my empty plate and replaced it with the plate i was lusting after. mr excutive (who looked like Tony Stark from Iron Man) probably read through my patay gutom manners. NAKAKAHIYA. so i thought, i couldn't eat this. sobrang nakakahiya. so i texted my dad to hurry up! sa kanya na lang yon! sunod sya sa hall,  para sya na dun sa vacant seat. haha

-- then mr. tony stark probably noticed i wasn't eating my "favorite" dish  so she called the waiter AGAIN (shoot me now please), and whispered something. next thing i know, the waiter gave me a new fork and knife to replace the one i used and was taken earlier. ayoko na. mamamatay na ko sa hiya. i turned to tony stark and said, "naku sir, nakakahiya naman senyo." and he said, "no no no, i can afford it."

--- what the fuuuuuuucccck.

-- okokokokok. tapos tapos tapos. after so many photo ops. tapos na. tulog na ko! i woke up 5am, took a bath, dressed up, then waaaaaaalked a fucking mile to the mrt station. then i took the fx to fcm, nakasabay ko pa si sir lloyd akalain mo. HAHA uwi muna sa bahay... tulog ng onti... woke up 15 minutes before 8! e may work ako ng 8, the fuuuuuck. pero oks naman.

-- school. HAHAHA crush ko na yata sya ulit. crush laaaang. hehe

-- haha pero majorcrush ko na yata yung anak ng coleague ni mama na nagttrabaho na ngayon, at aspiring MDRT. yan ang my future! hay ewan.

nyay akala ko wala na >XD

-- i have never felt this special, as a friend. after an hour on the phone she said it's okay if she loses all her friends, as long as she has me. awww nakakatouch. i couldn't possibly say the same cos i never looked into the possibility of losing all my friends (and i never would), but she's someone i treasure so much. this sounds awfully lesbo but i'm cheesy like that. lol

-- HAHAHA. my friend kinda almost spilled something about JM. something that got me eternally twitterpated that night. the two of them exchanging gestures sometimes, i usually ignore them, but now that i knew it has something to do with me... what am i supposed to think? what could they possibly secretly talk about that involves me? fishy ito mga bro. and i have a drumming sense that i'm not gonna like it. now she's begging me to stop asking about it cos she might not be able to hold their freaking secret intact. she has to confirm it pa daw. confirm what? ok. i'll stop asking, fine. but i'm dead curious. eh si JM yun eh. ok. i'm curious. but no other feelings involved. is curiosity a feeling? hindi ko na sya crush. 

--nakakapressure minsan. there are expectations i need to meet, deadlines i have to avoid screwing with, and standards i must surpass. all the in the intent of keeping my 'smart' image intact. i myself have put my brain to the test. i can't keep committing mistakes, even small ones. i can't have low quizzes. i can't have a midterm standing below 3.0 but CALCULUS IS SUCH A BITCH, and P.E. IS A FUCKER. i have to keep learning, keep studying and KEEP READING. i can't fail these people but the problem is, they expect too much. huhuhu nakakahiya magkamali. 

-- the tables have turned entirely diba? i wasn't like this before. sure i felt bad for having a passing average of 1 out of 10 exams right when i studied so hard for them. but eventually i got used it it. and the people around me made me feel it's normal HAHA so carry lang. yun nga lang, hindi na nadala! but right now it's different. AYOKO NA BUMAGSAK. i know it's okay to fail, but i've had so much of that. i deserve this break. nobody believed i was smart until i entered this university. 

babbling out

wow. here's goes fucking insecurity. i'll try to be nice. but damn. the problem is, i'm always nice. you'll hardly notice if i actually hate you. i hardly hate people anyway. i just get paranoid a lot... threatened is the right term actually, and insecure. HAHA what. what do i need to change? i miss my old hair. and my old size.

i need to be consistent. maintenance is key.

what to do:
- study java
- edit script
- read essays
- exercise. HAHA

but for now, i want to sleep. >:)

ohnoes

-- why do i feel like something fishy is brewing? don't leave me out! i'm so fucking curious. you dropped the hint mehn, you dropped it and the suspense is killing me. what is it that you need to confirm? may something ba? slow ako e. anyway, that's all under the working assumption that nothing's going on and that it's all going to waste. tamang hypothesis lang. e bakit ba. nagtatrabaho ako ng maayos a. 

-- BWISET. my future with calculus (along with my being a scholar next term) is becoming a big blur. i passed the 2nd quiz but it's too fucking LOW. pota PASANG AWA. ampota talaga. and because it was such a hard thing to accept, plus my abdomen is killing me, i had to take a tranquilizer in the form of ICE BREAKER. haay

-- i just loaded 500 worth of immortal text and my free call minutes have already been consumed! huwew. buti na lang pala nagload ako!!! 

-- issues. i never liked taking sides, i always avoid arguments. I'M SO TORN. i can imagine myself in that position and not worry about it, because it's me. i know i can handle it, at alam kong walang aangal. pero pano sila? what can i say to assure them that it's going to be okay eventually? that duty and friendship are two things that cannot be compromised? teka wait. actually magulo ngayon. nakakalungkot. hmm... let me think. 

-- you can't say being plastic is being untrue to yourself. what if it's your natural tendency when faced with unlikeable people? saves you from the unnecessary arguments right? being one doesn't make you entirely bad, in fact, by being such you are giving the person the chance to change your badly clouded opinion of him/her in the long run. 

-- hindi ko talaga alam. ano bang nakikita nyo na hindi ko nakikita? bulag ba ako, o judgmental lang kayo? wala eh. wala talaga akong nakikitang masama. kaya ayoko magsalita. kasi kaibigan ko kayong lahat. haynako Lord, i remember praying for this before. and you answered it na thank you so much! pero may kulang parin pala HAHA 

-- terai poured out to me yesterday. so isa nanaman akong ultramega shock absorber kagabi! i was such a chore trying to calm her nerves down. fuck we're at mcdo dahlia, i should've brought her somewhere noisy to drown her inexorably scandalous tendencies! nakakahiya kaya. i was planning on sleeping early pa naman. paguwi ko parang ambigat. parang nadala ko lahat ng sumpa at hinanakit nya. parang sinumpa nya ko. ang sarap nya talagang batukan. grabe terai, SAME MISTAKES. tanga ka ba. then my bestfriend called, gumaan in fairness koya! andami kong tawa eh. salamat, it really helped. timing e. 

-- eto talaga promise. NO ICE BREAKER indefinitely. bwiset.

anti-love song

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made
I’m not in love, no-no

I like to see you, but then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you, don’t make a fuss
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us
I’m not in love, no-no

I keep your picture upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that’s lyin’ there
So don’t you ask me to give it back
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me
I’m not in love, no-no

Ooh, you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh, you’ll wait a long time
I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made, ooh
I’m not in love, I’m not in love…

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what the hell is this song? it's so fucking in denial. hahaha

ows

what i need? part-time lover, full-time friend. i guess that would suit me right now.

i think i've found a major crush! kindof. pero parang hindi pa ganon ka intense LOL. bakit o why? wala akong crush!!! ang boring neto meeeehhhhnnnnn. every tri ako may majorcrush dapat eh! why ganto? grrr