champions run toward their fears

i want to be a champion too but i'm too afraid of taking charge, of taking responsibility and of taking the opportunities that boldly present themselves to me. i believe that, if you think you can do a better job, then do it instead. keyword: THINK. the problem goes with deciding to actually DO IT. too much demands, too much hassle, too much trouble and NO TIME. then i go about thinking, i know i can do it, BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO. i see it as potential energy at its worst.

the head of the student board something something asked me if i can still host this school year's Ambassador of Goodwill (AoG) pageant. apparently, adrian and i were our english teacher's top choice last trimester. we emceed it last year and it was stressful. ok, fine, it's scripted. all i did was recite the words written in the spiel in my best radio quality english speaking voice. they liked it! BUT DID I? i didn't like the part where i was fumbling on what to do to keep the stage alive when the contestants are still dressing up for the next portion and we've ran out of intermission numbers. it was truamatizing. i can't adlib. i'll go nuts, i'll shower the audience with a bastarded version of the english language. i'll just humiliate myself and bring shame to my entire existence. anyway, i didn't. hehe

a shirt design? i would love to, but it's extreme labor for me to turn from space-hating-maximalist to minimalist. but that's where my brewing passion lies. traditional visual arts. with that, i decided to still become part of the school newsletter organization as cartoonist/illustrator. i'll probably do a better job there. but i'm not sure. i'm, err, to unconfident. hay

scriptwriting for gawdsake is something i've never done before. and from a dormant fiction story writer, they want me to transform into a freaking playwright (sort of)! the job is simple, the script is ready and they just need me to shorten/lengthen it to fit 30 minutes, and SCALE DOWN some vulgar items. ANG HIRAP KAYA SHEEET.  i like vulgarity in plays that display a common social setting. and for freak's sake, i'm an "exaggeralist". JM kasi eh grrr

i'll be reading the scriptSSSS tonight to see what i can do.
i just feel like they've got no one else to pass the awful job to. but that's freakin not my problem anymore. >:)
oh really, the thing is... I'M JUST TOO AFRAID TO SCREW UP.

hi pior!

pior (that's how i pronounce it, but i think it has an extra 'o' somewhere) is my new favorite instant coffee. bwahaha it's too powerful for me. the last time i downed a cup, i wasn't sleepy until 5am. @_@ and now, i need its company because of FUCKING JAVAAAAA.

btw, i'm starting to feel odd about these subjects: object oriented programming, physics, calculus AND PE!!!. woooooh. just my 'favorites'. my basis for feeling odd? i'm not topping them. and it's kinda begrudging to see people smarter than i am. but more than that, i feel... attracted? hahaha it's already too weird that i have a semi-fatal attraction to intelligent people. with glasses. ok. hmm... Herbert Bautista is too cute. ♥

wait! wait! can i rejoice? pingpong is now my new semi-favorite sport! >:D BWAHAHA

i have snake skin on my notebook >8D

last saturday, jec showed me this long white strip of what seemed like garlic peels, until he said it's snake skin he found lying at the school grounds that same day HAHAHAHA yikes. daddy told me old snakes peel off of their  skins to make way for the development of a new one. hehehehe e wala lang! weird! >:)

i am so fucking tired! i wanna sleep na like crazy or else i'm gonna get sick soon! i'm depressed over our objprog class because i seriously suck at java. java is like my hatest programming language. and i'm not getting good grades over it. seriously! add calculus and i'm doomed to be dropped from the partial scholars list. nakakadepress ampota.

walked at mv3 with jerome. it's weird cos he's so different now compared to the last time (and also the first time) i saw him. parang ang seryoso nya ngayon. ang hirap talaga ng umiibig, no pre? hahaha

kaaay. homework muna tapos tulog na ko yey!!!!

guiltier

she was being kind. i was being plastic. i told you right? it's something i have to put up in order to see the necessary good in everyone. now i know she's not always that bad. she's always a flirt and that can be forgiven. she's a cheerful person, you just have to put up with her casual swearing. she's a good friend. i'm the bad one for pretending to be good. AT LEAST I DIDN'T SHUT HER OFF. i was more than civil to her, i let her copy my homework, and share every academic resources i have. i wasn't being fake all the time. and i'm quiting this nasty facade i wear when she's around. Looooord thank you.

and now i have to convince my other friends that she's not that bad. >:) case closed.

blah blah blah I'M ON SUGAR HIGH. I'M NOT SLEEPING COS I HAVE TO FINISH THIS DRAWING FOR FCLC. YEY FOR CRAMMING!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

i love you daddy!!!!

after the service we went to celebrate father's day at the homebuilders' ministry where they organized a small program for our dear daddies! the food was delicious HAHAHAHA and the program was cute hehe >:)

then we came home, i slept, my parents went to an appointment and... yon. >:) HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

ok. 1 month starts tomorrow!!! if i can handle this, then i'm gonna be free for the rest of my life. HAHAHA

today was...

i know, i know. i should've gotten my good karma already but apparently this day was just, so-so. which probably means that everything that's gonna happen tomorrow onwards must be good, then better, then best. and hopefully stagnate! if i were to graph the way karma works on me, it's an everlasting V. i wish it were a square root instead, but that's just me. >:|

you know what amused me this day?
it was raining... daddy and i were about to go home from school when i noticed a small insect on top of my book. it looked like a mosquito, but a slightly bigger one, without the wings. the thing was crazy, going in circles like a dog chasing its own tail. as in! i was looking at it with a mixture of amusement and pity. i was thinking maybe the thunder scared the shit out of the poor thing so it exhibited something like a defense mechanism. that, or it just simply went bonkers. poor poor insect.

you know what, i was soooo paranoid awhile ago. i suddenly remembered that the school hasn't received my original TOR from UPLB yet. then i also realized that i have no time to follow up on it cos i'm always at school. and then! when i thought about calling them up, i got scared! i was IMAGINING dragona from the college sec. office saying that they cannot process my TOR because they discovered that i signed a contract at CEAT stating that i will finish my course there and never transfer, therefore they are withdrawing my honorable dismissal. fucking shit. and so i must return to UPLB asap and fulfill the fucking contact. perfect depressant. that's probably the worst that could happen to me. then again, i thought of a plan! instead of going back to spend a miserable decade at that stinking hell hole, i'll just enroll for a semester, ditch my subjects, and go back home and get a job. in short, I'M HAVING MYSELF KICKED OUT. voluntarily! instant breach! and if that's not enough to convince them how much i loathe the entire composition of the chemical engineering department, I'LL BURN IT. i'd rather be charged with arson. really now. o tapos, after the sem, i'll go back to FERN! yeheeey! >:) that should do!

of course i'm overreacting, overthinking, overparanoid, overover!!!!

tangina UPLB ang tagal ng TOR ko!

coherence is not my virtue

if yesterday was full of crap, this day was full of crap and bullshit. i thought i was gonna get my good karma this day, but apparently things got worse. not in the sense that the bad things got worse, actually, more and more bad things piled and i feel so fucked up. hehe i'm exagerrating. bwahaha i'm always exagerrating, it's part of, uhm, creative writing. LOL so don't take me seriously. never take me seriously, unless you have scaled down what i've written and imagined what exactly happened.


i was never a frank person so i actualy prefer being plastic than spilling out the sad, fucking truth. i also try not to be too emotional, uhm, depends on who i'm talking to. there are people who really listen and engage in my stories, and there are some who listen but eventually end up talking about themselves. and there are those who don't care at all. HONESTLY, i don't give a damn who listens to me cos in the first place, i'm not sharing anything unless i'm asked of it, and chances are if i don't like you or i don't want to tell you anything, you'll get a lie from me. it's always so hard to open up. As in really really open up.

segway: my working hours were reduced from 20 to 16. FUCK. i want to blame our boss for being so stupid, for accepting SA after SA after SA, for not reserving the old SA's, and for not evenly distributing the amount of work in the lib (the hard, boring ones always go to me. and they're a lot).

segway 2: i didn't want to leave you BUT what the fuck is wrong for wanting to change my shirt?! i just wanted to play pingpong more but you snatched me away from my game. i just wanted to grab a change cos i'm soaking with sweat and i'm not allowed to? mare, sakal!

segway 3: i have a little crush on this little genius in our class. He wear glasses and his friends call him harry potter. IMBA, but he has a girlfriend.

so where was i? i've lied too much already. and if it's becoming a burden, i should know soon, but apparently it's not. so you see, turning plastic is my natural tendency when faced with undesirable twerps. the bad thing is,  i'm being dishonest not only to myself but also to the person. THE GOOD THING IS, for every fake smile i give, i am tolerating the person's irateness quotient and is actually giving myself a chance to see the person in a dfferent light. i've always wanted to be a person who sees good in everyone; that's the most saintly thing i've ever wanted. LOL


actually, my poblems weren't so big. i just tend to exagerrate every little thing i type here, blame the adjectives.

and so, my favorite word is a four-letter expletive some of you may love doing.
i can really feel the universe working against me this day, umagang umaga palang! whew