puppy love, stupid love, true love. i'm on stage 2.

some things are better left unseen right? if it's the only thing that would keep my sanity intact. i never wanted this to become serious, i never thought it would - in the first place. but it did. life's one way of saying fuck you is by making me fall in love with someone i can't trust, someone i can't imagine a happy, stress free and insecurity free relationship with. someone who catalyzes the production of toxins in my body by making me feel bad every single day. in short, someone not good for me. 

it could be a total insult on his part (only if he cares) because i'm calling him my STUPID LOVE. 
i love you, but you're not the one for me. i figured that by imagining life with you. painful. so is it still love? right when i don't believe in you? right when i don't trust you enough? how can i love someone who hurts me? 


precisely why it's called STUPID. :(


Dear Lord,


can i bargain with you? either you show me mr. true love, or you remove the feelings i have for mr. stupid love. i want him to downgrade to just a close friend, but you know, the type i cannot possibly love. if you have to show me the same clinic jim carrey went to, from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, that would be equally helpful. just make sure they have a branch in the phils cos i don't have a passport yet. which reminds me, i'm not attending my appointment for passport application tomorrow, because of him (partly). 


Amen

whew

i need a break. i rrrreaaally need a break. a pint of coffee crumble ice cream, or cheeseburger with lots of ketchup. just something i can use to unwind. this day was particularly busy... i'm talking about work. i don't know about systems, but we don't have one. my boss isn't systematic after all, and we suffer because of it. hey, i'm just following orders. and maybe i should care less cos whatever happens, we get paid. but no, i'm not just working to get paid, i'm working to help improve the library system. LOL not really, i just want to be a good worker.

this is why we're busy: we are transitioning from manual to automated library system. we're using barcodes and computers now. we're going hitech. i know that after all this shiz, everything will be smoooooth. it's the transition stage that needs a lot of getting used to right? this is all for the better! i'm so sure of it, i just have to be more patient and diligent and put up with all the junk. then, it will become better. yey for being optimistic.

LOL i've been depressed for a week. i hereby diagnose myself with SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. but that's just an excuse, i'm usually happy when the weather is cold. i'm waiting for ice cream. >:(

ETA: there will come a time when i won't be able to hold it anymore. and on that day, i want a pint of selecta coffee crumble ice cream, and lots of homework. >:(((((

man, can i just cry??? i eat banana regularly and i still feel sad. i need a fix. this isn't about the weather anymore.

always one foot on the ground

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answering machine
*beeeeeeeep*

"i wish i could be there for you, but whenever i want to express my concern... i hesitate and do otherwise, because there are already a lot of people who gave theirs, so i thought you wouldn't need mine. and i never actually felt you needed mine in the first place. sorry if i wasn't a good friend to you. i never gave you anything within my initiative because i was too scared that if i did, i might give too much, give the wrong impression and spill my fucking feelings. something i didn't want you to know, at least not now. i don't even know if i want to hear you after this. you're my fucking first love. ok, you can stop being friends with me now. i can totally understand. just, you know... take care. and get well soon."

*hangs up*

QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE

that's harry!
something's wrong with me, i'm back to reading fics! i haven't done this for months. i missed you harry potter!

i still hate motorcycles

do you have any scars on your body? if so, how did you get them? -- random formspring question

that question reminded me of my greatest trauma.

one hungry night... terai, vianne (a dormmate) and i went to buy food. while walking, a speeding motorcycle passed by and hit my right arm. tapos my head also hit the driver's helmet hahaha i even said sorry to the driver cos i thought i was an obstruction to his path HAHAHA but he didn't even pause to check!!! the first thing i felt was my head, cos it was frakking painful i thought it would split. then the tricycle drivers were asking me how i was and why i said sorry and that i should report the driver to the barangay blah blah blah. i didn't get anything, my head was spinning. i couldn't hear terai and vianne either, i just wanted to buy tapsilog and saba con yelo cos i was starving. when we were at the carinderia na, vianne freaked out cos my arm was bleeding na pala. e mas masakit ulo ko kaya siguro di ko na feel. magkaganun man, i still bought food. when we were back at the dorm, i cleaned my arm, ate, and slept.

that was 3 years ago! the scar is almost gone na nga eh! but i can never forget the splitting headache it gave me! that was the worst headache i've ever had. buti na lang hindi ako tinopak. or so i thought???

ever since then, i get easily nervous when i'm on the street and there's a motorcyle coming. HAHAHAHA kaya wag kayo magreklamo kung matagal ako tumawid! pauunahin ko muna lahat ng motor para sa ikapapanatag ng aking nervous system.

if you wanna ask me anything, go to my formspring account HERE!!!

twisted

i borrowed Twisted by Jessica Zafra from the library... i was actually looking for The 500 people you meet in hell cos i ran over it at the OPAC but i couldn't find it, so instead i just took another of her accounts... one of her firsts i guess? i haven't finished the book, but it's a compilation of her daily broadsheet columns way way back (the book is old.. 1995, i guess). it's pretty cool, it's like a blog and i love her humor. >:) go you!

by the way, i'm currently at fitness first sm north, waiting for my parents to text me so we can go home. they're at church for the homebuilders ministry (equivalent to couples for christ) and i'm here... to shop for the things i need, specifically bathroom stuff. i was only supposed to buy lotion and conditioner... but i ended up going past a thousand bucks cos i threw in a couple more items at the basket. really, it's one thing to be shopping without my parents, i get to pay for everything. now i'm semi broke. hahaha

haaaay grabe i suddenly feel depressed. may mangyayari sigurong ayoko. >:(

nanaginip ako!

this was a week ago pa, but i can still remember parts of it... i was with hannah, martha and some people i don't remember... there were goons chasing us at the field... yung field sa holy... there was a broken swing at the end of the field... hmm.. ano pa ba...di ko na alam haha basta parang may grupo dun ng mga lokoloko tapos sabi, "sige tumakbo na kayo muahahaha" parang ganon, parang rapist ang dating shiiiit. so tumakbo naman kami! tapos may nakaharap akong mamang may balisong, nilabanan ko daw sya deeeeym di ako nasugatan whew, nakatakas daw ako. basta ganon... napadpad kami dun sa isang bahay sa other side ng feild, pinauna ko sa loob sina hannah kasi hinahabol pa kami nung mga mokong. haaaaaay scary much.

another fragment was this: i was in an unfamiliar house na puti rin lahat ng pader, trying to hide from someone... babae yung humahanap sakin, maputi... pero di ko maalala yung mukha... so i was running around the house, looking for a place to hide... i was pretty skillful that time... i can climb walls and jump like a parkour (sp?) which was really cool... tapos i was hiding at the ceiling part of the house ewan basta... suspense! tapos lumabas na ng bahay yung girl parang susuko na... tapos naglakad na palayo... tapos biglang bumalik! sa sobrang kaba ko, nagising na ko. haha

hahaha

why do i feel like we're growing closer everyday... or at least, every time we see each other? haha. hahaha. WAHAHAHAHAHAHA wooooh grabe. library work is becoming tedious, i just don't run out of things to do. she makes me type stuff, i'm not even halfway and she asks me to do another, i pause to finish something and she reminds me to do the other thing first. what do you want me to do exactly maaaam??? anyway, hindi naman ako nagrereklamo. yun nga lang, ang gulo nya mag-utos!

darnnnniiit, i hate losing RFs. it fckn drives me crazy. you see, we're collecting students' IDs and RFs for barcoding... and sometimes in the process of having a RF signed, it gets lost, and it's stressful when we can't give it back to the students cos it's fckn missing. that's 250 pesos per reprint. haaaay buhay. i'm on duty tomorrow morning and I MUST (hopefully) accomplish these 2 things: edit 763 accession numbers at the OPAC + request papers.

seriously, i just want to put stickers on books. >:(

his poem. honestly, i've read it a couple of times already waaaay back even before he asked me to read it. he seems proud of his work but honestly, i don't get it. O_O; and i don't know how to tell it to him. the structure is messy, and i don't see the underlying theme. i'm sorry but, i'm a reader and i know when a poem is deep. his isn't, it's just... a plethora of words. oh my God, i'm so sorry. i'm sure he's gonna ask me if i read it, lol anong sasabihin ko? nice one? naaah, i'll just go tell him hindi ko nagets! na nalunod ako? no really, it's magulo. hahaha sorry na? i'm not a poet but i know grammar... at least. @_@; sorry.

they want me to run for position. and they're wooing me like i'm their only hope. i don't think so! for one thing,  i don't like the party? not really, i just don't appreciate their platforms, and if i run for them it means i have to stand by something i'm faithless on. i cannot defend them that way. do i want to run? NO. i actually thought about it, i'm not going to win anyway so there's nothing to lose, i can just run to show erni support but that's so against my principles (i kinda have that too, apparently haha). i'm only running when i'm ready to serve. i ain't doing anything for the wrong reasons.

thing is, erni has plans for me and he said he wants to work with me. you know what caught me? he said, if i'm going to design a shirt for the org, i'll get an incentive per tshirt sold. that's really cool, but honestly that'll sound better if they'll take me as an independent artist and not as an officer, cos then it'll sound selfish of me. parang, why not do it for the org na lang? in short, why not do it for free? odba, therefore, kung usapang pera din lang naman... i don't need to be an officer to market my skills. hahaha

so yeah, i'm not running. hehehe