hehe

roight. sometimes my head ticks off with the most depressing thoughts. i feel unworthy and useless, much worse i feel like i'm better off 6 feet under. it's so hard to fight depression once you start dwelling on it. it will really consume you. i don't like the feeling of being depressed, it feels like there's nothing i could ever do to fix everything and escape is the only word that makes sense.

but, i've found a solution already. actually, i only realized it know. the best way to fight depression is to surround yourself with people. i only feel depressed when i'm alone because my mind is free to think of anything. but when i'm with people, my family, my friends, my dormmates... no negative thoughts come to mind. not that the people around me are extremely jubilant beings, but just the mere thought of having people around you is enough reason to at least prolong your life. see?

being depressed has something to do with the feeling that all you ever did was wrong. the truth is, you're over reacting. not everything that goes wayward is entirely your fault. there's always someone to share the blame with, it's just that humans don't usually admit their wrongs that easily. it always ends up with someone pointing you out. just remember one thing, if ever you did something wrong... ALWAYS ALWAYS admit it first before someone else does. and if you're not aware that you did and someone already accused you of the crime... hehehe... point someone else to share the blame with! i know it's bad to point people out (yeah, really bad) but you should know it's not entirely your fault! share the blame, lessen the burden of depression! i dunno, this might sound like a useless advice (i think it is..after all). even i don't have enough guts to just acuse someone just so i won't suffer alone. oh, a sadist's way.

okokok, maybe i'm talking nonsense now. i'll stop.

zzzziiiiiipppp.

let's move on to another topic

i feel kinda guilty that i'm not able to attend any of jami's dance rehearsals for her debut. it's just that on the noted dates i always find myself busy and unavailable. sorry. >____> am i still invited? ohgosh.

hey, i'm already registered! i just finished today. hehe

:)

wishlist

i need a million bucks for this .
pardon my covetousness and my seemingly ambitious and maluho dreams. harharh

1. BOOKS
by Dan Brown, Meg Cabot, Paulo Coehlo or Neil Gaiman :)
on recent count, i need to acquire 3,000 just to get all the books i want
2. an 8gig Creative Zen
a smashing 10,000 for this one
3. Speedo Swimsuit
a two-piece tank and trunks preferrably. and wtf, the trunk costs 1,100 and the tank... i forgot i think it ranges from 1,000-1,500. so all in all 2,600 must be shelled out. a one piece is like 1,800 but i'm too conscious with my legs that i'd rather wear something akin to a boyleg to at least lessen the insecurity. hahaha, as if it's big enough.
4. LAPTOP
well, i'm not in a hurry to get this one. the lowest i could get is worth 30,000 and that's an Acer with overqualified specs (80G HD, Celeron M, XP/Vista, 512RAM w/free upgrade to 1gig, 17" monitor w/ built in webcam...), but the thing is... it's only 1.66 MHZ (or was that GHZ?) ... pretty slow.... i think?
anyhow, any Acer or a Compaq greater than or equal to 30,000 will do.
5. BAGS
i want big shoulder bags. :)
6. RUBBER SHOES
7. Chuck's
a pair of red low-rise sneakers is perfect. :) i'm size 7 btw...
8. CLOTHES
just like any girl in this planet, i want a wardrobe update. i keep on wearing the same thing over and over every week. not only they're starting to stink (b/c i sweat a lot and it's damn hot here plus since they won't let me wash in the dorm all my clothes go to the washing machine in the laundry shop. i'd rather hand-wash, yknow) but i'm also growing out of them. I'M GETTING BIGGER, LOL. i'm afraid i'd be running out of sizes in the department store soon. >___>

and that's why i also need a
9. WORKOUT CD
yeah! let's burn those fats!!!
10. GYM SUBSCRIPTION
i want to get into Fitness First but i think gym equipments are boring >__> and i fear that i'm just going to end up pampering (and bloating) myself with their sauna room and unlimited iced tea. but i still want to try :)
11. MEGA FAST INTERNET CONNECTION
to soothe my downloading dillemas. with our recent connection, i have to wait for at least 30 minutes for a single song to download! >__>;; and i want to download videos too. hehehehe

oh, that's a lot of money to save! i can't contain my covetousness though. harharhar, but sometimes i just grow out of those 'needs' and end up taking the more practical option (which is simply not buying anything) ... then again, maybe i'm just dreaming... it's already 2am anyway and i ought to be sleeping soon.

99 secrets girls have to know about guys (weh)

(with side comments)

1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls. (same here)
2. Guys hate flirts.
3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then forget you afterwards.
4. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is. (same here)
5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you eaten already?" are the first usual questions a guy asks on the phone just to get out from stammering. (not always)
6. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about. (sweet ^_^)
7. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics. (he should be)
8. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. (i do to)
9. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention. (hehe, really...)
10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend. (you won't get that from me. lol)
11. When guys want to meet your parents. Let them. (on my signal)
12. Guys want to tell you many things but they can't. And they sure have one habit to gain courage and spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking! (not guaranteed though)
13. Guys cry!!! (i know. they're human)
14. Don't provoke the guy to heat up. Believe me. He will.
15. Guys can never dream and hope too much. (quite right)
16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder for them to accept their defeat. (i don't like the idea of still pursuing the girl who dumped them. makes their brains narrower)
17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.
18. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind!" would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking.
19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their hands. (weh?)
20. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like. (weeeh?)
21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or makes any excuses when you're asking him to do you a favor, he's actually saying that he doesn't like you and he can't lay down the card for you. (true)
22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow." (not always)
23. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.
24. Guys hate gays! -not all of them, just some annoying ones (gays are fun to be with - for girls of course)
25. Guys love their moms. (they really should)
26. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses (weee, i want one!)
27. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her. (that's vain. i don't do that)
28 You can never understand him unless you listen to him. (duh...?)
29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does. (yes, i know)
30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can. (hahahahahah)
31. Like Eve, girls are guys’ weaknesses.
32. Guys are very open about themselves.
33. It 's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.
34. No guy is bad when he is courting (yeah, i think so too)
35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.
36. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty. (yeahyeahyeah)
37. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend. (tsk. i hate this kind of situation)
38. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.
39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. (weh)
40. A guy finds ways to keep you off from linking with someone else.
41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls in miniskirts. (yeah)
42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants but would unluckily get the wrong one. (hehe)
43. Guys virtually brag about anything. (me too)
44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them. (haaaaa?)
45. Guys think too much. (that's why they get suicidal)
46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited.
47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does! (hehehe)
48. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!
49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during courtship, it would be hard for him to let go of that girl.
50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more. (it's not easy for us to break up either)
51. You have to tell a guy what you really want before getting involved with that guy. (already said)
52. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be matured and grow up. (ugghh, exactly)
53. When an un likable circumstance comes, guys blame themselves a lot more than girls do. They could even hurt themselves physically. (yeah, pride)
54. Guys have strong passion to change but have weak will power. (huhuhu, ako rin)
55. Guys are tigers in their peer groups but become tamed pussycats with their girlfriends. (diba ganun naman talaga?)
56. When a guy pretends to be calm, check if he's sweating. You'll probably see that he is nervous.
57. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl. He really is.
58. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me". (eeee, not always)
59. Guys don't really have final decisions. (ows?)
60. When a guy loves you, bring out the best in him.
61. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him.
62. If a guy has been kept shut or silent, say something.
63. Guys believe that there's no such thing as love at first sight, but court the girls anyway and then realize at the end that he is wrong. (well, it still could not be love at first sight)
64. Guys like femininity not feebleness.
65. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.
66. A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him. (duh. feelingero)
67. A guy would waste his time over video games and basketball, the way a girl would do over her romance novels and make-ups. (i love romance novels! but i'm not yet on the make-up-crazy stage... someday though)
68. Guys love girls who can cook or bake.
69. Guys like girls who are like their moms. No kidding! (yeah, i've noticed)
70. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes. (i think so too)
71. A guy's friend knows everything about him. Use this to your advantage.
72. Don't be a snob. Guys may easily give up on the first sign of rejection. (hehe, onga naman)
73. Don't be biased. Try loving a guy without prejudice and you'll be surprised. (it's hard to like someone whose first impression didn't actually 'impress' you)
74. Girls who bathe in their eau de perfumes do more repelling than attracting guys. (yeah, i hate strong perfumes too)
75. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls. (vice versa)
76. Guys don't comprehend the statement "Get lost" too well. (uhh, me too...>_>)
77. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions but still love them more.
78. When a guy gives a crooked or pretentious grin at your jokes, he finds them offending and he just tried to be polite.
79. Guys don't care about how shiny their shoes are unlike girls.
80. Guys tend to generalize about girls but once they get to know them, they'll realize they're wrong.
81. Any guy can handle his problems all by his own. He's just too stubborn to deal with it.
82. Guys find it so objectionable when a girl swears. (hehe, same here)
83. Guys' weakest point is at the knee. (how come?)
84. When a problem arises, a guy usually keeps himself cool but is already thinking of a way out.
85. When a guy is conscious of his looks, it shows he is not good at fixing things.
86. When a guy looks at you, either he's amazed of you or he's criticizing you.
87. When you catch him cheating on you and he asks for a second chance, give it to him. But when you catch him again and he asks for another chance, ignore him.
88. If a guy lets you go, he really loves you.
89. If you have a boyfriend, and your boy best friend always glances at you and it obviously shows that he is jealous whenever you're with your boyfriend, all I can say is your boy best friend loves you more than your boyfriend does. (no, it's not enough basis to say your bestfriend loves you MORE than you boyfriend does)
90. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience. (i think i get more 'virtual' experience from books, hehe)
91. You can tell if a guy is really hurt or in pain when he cries in front of you! (lol, i'd love to see that)
92. If a guy suddenly asks you for a date, ask him first why. (yeah)
93. When a guy says he can't sleep if he doesn't hear your voice even just for one night, hang up. He also tells that to another girl. He only flatters you and sometimes makes fun of you. (okok)
94. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes. (=])
95. Guys seek for advice not from a guy but from a girl.
96. Girls are allowed to touch boys' things. Not their hair!
97. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.
98. Guys hate girls who overreact.
99. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

breaking the habit

it kicked me hard. yes it did. and now i am brought back to my senses. i realized a lot of things. sometimes it's not good to be happy all the time. make room for depression because only when you feel it that your mind dwells in reality. realize your mistakes and point them out even before someone else does, it makes it easier for your towering pride. be laid back, only when you have enough time to spare. drink, when you have someone to drink with. eat cake when you're willing to share it with someone else. subscribe to unlimitxt when you want to disturb your phonebook. drink coffee if and only if you need to stay awake for the night. go to astra only for research and the bastarded systemone. never ever do the same mistakes twice. never ever get a singko for the fourth time.

i only felt it now. depression. paranoia. hopelessness.
and i can only but leave the past behind, dwell not on my failures but on things i can do to fix my messed up academic life. it pains me, yes, like an iceberg 90% of me is mourning for my carelessness and regretting all my foolishness and the rest of the 10% is allotted for that ounce of happiness. like a freakin iceberg, i'm setting up a facade. people only see the 10%... the happiness, the fake joy and witness not the sorrow, the incalculable amount of self regret and remorse for my own, my very own mistakes.

i was too distracted to even notice that i'm not anymore walking firmly along the right path.

now, let's give a toast to my *ehem* very untimely resolutions list. :)

1. i will not procastinate
2. i will lessen my ventures into the world wide web and wander only when necessary
3. i will sleep ON TIME. by that i mean, i shall do my best not to stay any later than 10pm.
4. with regards to that, i will also lessen my coffee intake (and you know how much it pains me to do this)
5. i will ATTEND my classess diligently even though the attendance is not part of the grading system
6. i will not sleep inside the class
7. i will do my homeworks immediately
8. i will drink my vitamins and milk everyday
9. i will eat healthy foods and will watch out for my diet
and of course, without the last premise i cannot do all of those
10. i will/shall/must PRAY everyday. no matter what happens!

that's what i've been lacking these days. my personal connection to God has weakened ever since i became too exhausted with my previous schedule. but now, i'll definitely give due time for a prayer. i need to improve my well being. a lot, man. :)

Lord, help me now.

heto na...heto na...

i received an email regarding my preliminary schedule for 2nd sem.
haaaay, 11 units lang ako dahil nacancel ang math37 ko... duh. shempre dahil singko ako sa 36. at dahil dyan...

prerog ang kasagutan! :((
nyak.

Lord, help me.
hindi pa naman ako dismissed diba???? :(
14 is just 1 unit close to 15. and 15 out of 20 units failed = dismissed. >___>

Lord, help meeeeeee.

marimar marimar marimar... ♥

the whole family is addicted to it! what can i say, joyce bernal yan eh! everything is perfect! imagine a reknowed movie director do wonders on a TV series! i could just see each episode with film like quality... omaygad. >____> i'm fantasizing with my own Sergio. @_@

much more, i'm once again caught in gerald santos' music. he sings like he's serenading you with his sweet ballads. his songs are heartwarming (not to mention heart-melting too) and sincere. i haven't heard someone sing better than he does. man, i'm getting frustrated with downloading a decent mp3 of his song 'mahal kita'...from marimar of course. i want to have his version of 'huwag ka lang mawawala' as well.... grrrr... >_>

to all the staff of marimar, please release a Marimar OST SOOOOOOON. it's killing me. better yet, please produce another album for Gerald Santos. ♥ ♥

when i get married (err, someday), i wish to get Gerald Santos as our wedding singer. ^______^

ngek. kinikilig parin ako! >____>;
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

g'morning

i wish this blog had been filled with more sensible posts. then again, you'd hardly get that from me. bwahahahaha. i miss my friends. berimats. whew. i'm getting fatter and fatter by the minute! i should've joined my parents and sister at crossroads 77 today for the dawn watch, a small ministry at the top of the building. they always go there to pray then afterwards head to qc memorial circle to exercise. there in the park is a bounded area where people congregate to dance their way to fitness! you pay twenty and get a ticket then go in and do taebo!!! there's an instructor there on the stage and people just go follow him and his fat burning steps. man, i need to workout!!!! >_>

omaygad, Sergio is my new crush! Marimar just seems to get hotter and hotter by each episode! man, i would love to have my own Sergio. his hands are big! he can just hug you tight and you'd feel safe for the rest of your life! haaay ♥ owkamownaw.