a coward's way

thank you for reminding me.
i am now adding a new label for my posts... welcome to my new set of 'hate-list' entries.

seriously, i think i grew 'better' (less hateful) this year. i don't hate a lot of people. maybe because i'm already in college and maybe because all the hateful people in my life crowded during my highschool years.

not that you noticed.
i'm not really verbal when it comes to expressing my negative emotions, hence most of my highschool drama gets stacked up in this blog.

but please, just for this moment... allow me to revive a long lost tradition in this blog.

The Hate-List

an introduction: according to a personality test i took years ago, i am 38% evil. not so evil, i know but it doesn't restrict me from hating people and plotting for their deaths. i am naturally good, just like everyone else, but i must admit there are times when i let my negative emotions overpower me... and whenever that happens i look for the best outlet i could have to vent out my feelings and i couldn't think of a better place other than this blog.

so there... with that, i am opening an all new version (ALL NEW PEOPLE! HURRAY!) of my HATE-LIST. it's going to be a label too so do check out my label cloud on the nav bar.

i know it's bad. i know i'm bad. but this is just my way of venting things out. i know most of you hate what i'm doing, but at least i do no physical harm to the unfortunate tramp who will be BLIND-ITEM(ed) within the succeeding entries of this tag. ok, so you read that... i don't point names out... i keep their darned names to myself and give them a nick whenever i mention them here.

SO...
what will happen to those who are in the hate-list?

uhhh... nothing really. just eternal damnation and imaginary persecution from this blog's rightful owner...

i mean, even if it's YOU, you wouldn't recognize right ahead... unless you're SMART! and i know a lot of smart people.. *ehem* *ehem* uhmm...

lol. i just thought of adding up that label but truthfully, i'm not hating anyone in particular right now.

hehe, you wait...
because it takes a long time to get into my nerves, really.

let it flow

i'm inspired to write again. this time i have more confidence with my story because i've shared it with a quite a lot of people already... of course being cautious that it won't get stolen...and they liked it. they like the crazy plot. the whole romantic thing.

i personally think it's going to be a good movie.
but then i haven't written it down. lol
originally, i want it to be harry-draco, but then i decided to make it an all-original story because i don't want to credit JK Rowling anymore for lending me her characters. >_>

now i want my own laptop. lol.
when i went to trinoma last sunday i saw a new release from Compaq, it's Compaq Presario V3431TU and it roughly amounts to 50,000. hehehe, i find it reasonable for a new release. and besides, it's compaq. :) i want my own laptop. huhuhuhu

i badly want to write!!!!!
but i need inspiration. i need to read more of Paulo Coehlo! i like his writing style because it's full of imagery and thought-provoking proverbs.

i want to write.
yeah. =]

come on chancy, don't be kj. =|

-i don't believe it. according to the news, we don't have classes tomorrow. it's not even raining! c'mon chancy, where's the text brigade?!?!? i just want to make sure i have a verifiable reason to rejoice.

- i broke a test tube awhile ago during our chem40 lab. >_>

- i cursed a lot today. i was really in a foul mood. i didn't get my preferred schedule for the practical test on saturday. i want it to be in the morning so that i can go home early but the sign-up sheet is fucking filled. shit, i want to scratch all their names off and replace it with one big arianne. wtf. i'll be taking the test at 3-4pm. wtf. and it's not just that... my mood wouldn't have been this 'bad' if it weren't for one undefined negative force. i don't know. hahaha. i just don't feel 'good' today. though i think i managed to put up a facade that i'm just your usual arianne.

i'm really good with keeping my troubles to myself. especially when i know the one help that i need wouldn't come voluntarily.

because of that... here's a little something i stole from nez

LIST 20 THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY TO CERTAIN PEOPLE BUT KNOW YOU NEVER WILL. DON'T SAY WHO THEY ARE.

1. get well soon!

2. honestly, i feel like an idiot when i'm with you. it's because you're TOO SMART for your own good. but you're my closest friend in the university and i don't want to lose you. i'd rather risk looking like a fool than never have a company like you.

3. hey. i only like you because you look like a nerd because of your glasses. when i heard you came from a freakin science highschool and aced your chemistry exams... my interest on you grew. but then just like with #2, i don't want to risk looking like a fool anymore. one genius of a friend is enough. i could just kill myself thinking i'm the dumbest in the university.

4. hahaha. you're my real crush. but something's hindering me from trying to be friends with you... and it's the same as the previous. and i think you have a crush on #3... hahahaoutch.

5. you. you. you. you. you. you. and you. (that's 7 people) WHY DO ALL OF YOU HAVE TO BE SO SMART?!?! (or rather, why do I have to be this STUPID) that's the main reason why i'm finding it hard to socialize. because i can't cope with you.

with that i skip to number 12

12. i want to be your bestfriend.

13. i miss you all. i miss the crazy days. i don't like it here. BIG TIME. they're pressuring me! people here give me odd looks when i talk about yaoi. with you i can talk about harry-draco all day. :( i miss you all

14. thanks for everything. i appreciate the times we sing japanese songs together and exchange earphones over the weekend. :)

15. please don't be bitter just because we have chem32 and you don't. dude, you don't know what kind of hell we are going through right now. don't wish for us to fail, please.

16. please, whatever happens to my darned academic life, continue to believe in me. maybe not with my mental capacity but with my other skills. you know i'm not inclined to this field and i am but a lost being unsure of which path to take. i'm still confused ok. please don't think i'm wasting all of our resources learning something i won't be enjoying in the future. i love you. very much.

17. you are pressuring me big time and it sucks because you think i'm not being pressured so you put more pressure on me. wtf!

18. don't hate me because i'm being negligent of my duties.

19. please don't think i'm rich. because.i.am.not.

and lastly

20. i hope we could be close friends, really. :)

nuff of the drama.
you see? i am this insecure of my own academic capacity! i feel like i'm always at the bottom line.

wtf.

don't dream it's over

i believe you don't have to be one hell of a genius to get through life unaharmed. it's not about the amount of time you alloted for study that determines your future. but then, failing grades won't lead you anywhere.. aside from the stinking pit of self-humiliation. >_>

i'm not studying again.
wait, something happened. yesterday, my sister -terai- got sick again. >_> so what am i to do? being her beriberiguditushus sister, i role played as mommy! i got her paracetamol and i do what my mommy used to do. i wipe her with wet labakara all over. man, it was crazy. i was crazy! her temperature is 38-point-something and it's freakin midnight!! but i just enjoyed the moment... yeah yeah. i slept 2am already.

man, the things i do for love.

i woke up at 4am to give her medicine then went back to sleep. i woke up around 830 and pulled myself from the bed, in hopes of getting the right motivation to attend my class.... but before that i checked on my sister first.

wtf, her temperature is 40!!!!!

i made her breakfast... lugaw and fish... and immediately brought her to the hospital. she underwent three laboratory tests... a CBC, Tubex test (for typhoid, dengue, etc), and urinalysis. ayon okay naman, xept for the urinalysis.

and because of that, i missed my MATH36 and CHEM32!!!! :(

ahahahahaha...
napaka-fulfilling mag-alaga ng maysakit! lalo na pag gumaling sha diba!!

aylabyu terai. pagaling ka! ok lang magskip ng klase... walangya, basta gumaling ka!

the right to indulge

i'm using my being 'depressed' as an excuse to treat myself. actually, i'm not depressed anymore! i'm back to the usual happy and giddy me. it doesn't hurt anymore to think i'm going to repeat my blasted chemistry subjects! nor do i weep with the possibility of me failing my math and physics!! in short, i am not anymore afraid of falling over the cliff of academic probation!

yeah, that's how much i love belittling myself. and it sucks because i'm enjoying doing it. on the bright side though, i don't put up expectations for myself. i've had enough of that. i know it's an attitude one would despise having, hehe, but i'm not always like this. i'm.not.always.like.this.

i only go super negative when it comes to my studies... because really, i don't believe in my own mental capacity!!

and because of that, i've just given myself a virtual pass to indulge on anything that i like. anything... just for this day... of course with a limit of 500 pesos.

so here's what i did...
hehehe i went to trinoma alone! wahehehehe i just want to have ice cream, that's all. it's a very effective mood-uplifter (i could've gotten myself a cup of coffee but i decided to avoid it JUST for this weekend because i want to sleep early and besides... i just had an attack remember? so yeah, i have to ban myself again). and i want DQ! so DQ it is... wuhooo. ice cream galore! i've been taking in too much calories this weekend! after finishing my oreo blizzard at their garden rooftop (where there's starbucks at the center! yaay!) i went roaming about the place... looking here looking there... not really buying anything. then i saw cafe breton, and remembered one episode of 'Ang Pinaka' where they featured breton's mango crepe with ice cream.

so yun, napasubo ako! haha, kakatapos ko lang mag ice cream, ice cream na naman. and mehn, i was disappointed!!!!! after finishing the plate... nainis ako. e kaya ko kayang gawin to sa bahay?!?!?! ano ba yan, hotcake na may mangga at ice cream sa ibabaw lang pala!

e ang tanga ko kasi. i thought there's something different with it, something special! e wala, regular crepe lang pala. che.

tapos the price man! the price went to a whooping 208 pesos!!! i didn't expect that really. i.fucking.didn't.expect.that. >_> akala ko nasa 60 pesos lang. hmmph, di kasi tumitingin sa menu, kain lang ng kain. kala mo kung sinong mayaman. naku, arianne magdusa ka! isang linggo kang magsio-siomai-rice sa los banos! bwahahahahaha!!

o sha... after the stupid dessert. i bought something from penshoppe... blah blah blah. penshoppe has really nice scents. :) and then i strolled and strolled and strolled, canvassed for this and that and finally decided to GOOOOOO HOOOOOME!!!! i was really tired so instead of walking the extra mile to SM north edsa's jeepney terminal, i decided to just take the FX at trinoma's parking lot. which is another unexpected prick to my melting purse. how the hell can you charge 30 pesos from trinoma to SM fairview!!! that's ridiculous and downright preposterous!!!! but then you know what? because i was really tired that time, i just slept myself to oblivion... maybe the aircon would compensate to my fury. and that's where the rest of the surcharge went...

blah blah blah. i waited for my parents at FCM because they're going to have their hair cut and i want to save the tricycle fare too so there... my sister and mom got a haircut... and i didn't. i want to grow my hair long... then i'll get it layered and w/ bangs. ohyeah, hope it suits me well. i've never seen myself with long hair.

hey, i want to take this moment as a chance to tell everyone that starting tomorrow... i'm going to study harder! yeah!! and by harder, it means that i'm probably not going to update that often... let alone play!

that's a really big sacrifice!! how can i stand a day without arming my neopet for battle? for games? for invitational cups?

ugh, whatever. just that. i'm on blogging/neopets/addictinggames/onlinegames HIATUS

let's see if i can take my own word for it.

burrrrp!

i've never been this depressed in my whole life. hahahaha

but then again,
there's ice cream, a cholocate bar, a cheeseburger, and a bottle of beer.

ayos na!

delinquente!

i didn't attend 6 hours and 30 minutes worth of classes this week! 3 hours LTS1, 1hr 30mins SPCM1, and 2 hours of Math36...

grabe. naf-feel ko na ang aking pagbagsak.
and i had a minor attack last night so i wasn't really in a good mood to do anything productive. i haven't started our 2 postlabs on chem32 (due today)... anyway, i'm just going to copy everything.

i'm becoming a very very inefficient human being. one word to describe me now, TRASH. i'm one big piece of trash.

last night was really depressing. parang, TOL!!! ano ba!?!?!?!
i'm so stupid you know.
i can even imagine myself taking chem32... again.

to add up to the usual pile of junk i take, i'm acquiring (YET AGAIN) another set of annoying health jiggers. i get headaches a lot. i think i know the reason... i'm not getting enough sleep. i have sore throat... again. che.

seriously, lalo akong bumoBOBO!

what the fuck.
i hate my life right now.

hehe, so where is the usual optimistic meeeee???

for one thing. i've realized that most people are optimistic.... ONLY about things that doesn't concern them. but when it comes to their own hard issues, they become pessimists. yeah, and to scale the term down, or probably to extract a safer answer or a good enough defence, people say they're just being 'realistic'.

and just like them i'm going to use that (lame) excuse for being this soooo negative with my future in this effin' university.

i'm just being realistic.

and it hurts me to be such. i don't want to repeat any of my subjects, let alone take the removal exams because.... i swear, i could kill myself. >.<

you see, i think i would've taken the possibility of me repeating my chem subjects on a lighter note IF i didn't join an organization. peer pressure mehn! i can't live up to their expectations. they're all smart. they're all geniuses, at heto ako... =(

isa pang mahirap tanggapin ay yung i was given all the help i could garner, but still i failed. lam nyo yun? parang i didn't do my part. andyan na lahat ng tulong pero bagsak parin ang labas... lalabas pa na di mo tinulungan ang sarili mo. nakakahiya sa mga taong tinulungan ka all the while.

honestly, i'm finding it hard to socialize with my orgmates who are also my batchmates... because they're too effin' smart, i look like trash beside them.

wtf.

wow. inferiority complex.
hardcore depression.
fck.

i need a pen and paper.
i need to draw.