delinquente!

i didn't attend 6 hours and 30 minutes worth of classes this week! 3 hours LTS1, 1hr 30mins SPCM1, and 2 hours of Math36...

grabe. naf-feel ko na ang aking pagbagsak.
and i had a minor attack last night so i wasn't really in a good mood to do anything productive. i haven't started our 2 postlabs on chem32 (due today)... anyway, i'm just going to copy everything.

i'm becoming a very very inefficient human being. one word to describe me now, TRASH. i'm one big piece of trash.

last night was really depressing. parang, TOL!!! ano ba!?!?!?!
i'm so stupid you know.
i can even imagine myself taking chem32... again.

to add up to the usual pile of junk i take, i'm acquiring (YET AGAIN) another set of annoying health jiggers. i get headaches a lot. i think i know the reason... i'm not getting enough sleep. i have sore throat... again. che.

seriously, lalo akong bumoBOBO!

what the fuck.
i hate my life right now.

hehe, so where is the usual optimistic meeeee???

for one thing. i've realized that most people are optimistic.... ONLY about things that doesn't concern them. but when it comes to their own hard issues, they become pessimists. yeah, and to scale the term down, or probably to extract a safer answer or a good enough defence, people say they're just being 'realistic'.

and just like them i'm going to use that (lame) excuse for being this soooo negative with my future in this effin' university.

i'm just being realistic.

and it hurts me to be such. i don't want to repeat any of my subjects, let alone take the removal exams because.... i swear, i could kill myself. >.<

you see, i think i would've taken the possibility of me repeating my chem subjects on a lighter note IF i didn't join an organization. peer pressure mehn! i can't live up to their expectations. they're all smart. they're all geniuses, at heto ako... =(

isa pang mahirap tanggapin ay yung i was given all the help i could garner, but still i failed. lam nyo yun? parang i didn't do my part. andyan na lahat ng tulong pero bagsak parin ang labas... lalabas pa na di mo tinulungan ang sarili mo. nakakahiya sa mga taong tinulungan ka all the while.

honestly, i'm finding it hard to socialize with my orgmates who are also my batchmates... because they're too effin' smart, i look like trash beside them.

wtf.

wow. inferiority complex.
hardcore depression.
fck.

i need a pen and paper.
i need to draw.

tol! walang ganyanan!

=(

ay *%#$&@*^(^@!!!!
shit. naiiyak na koooooooo.
bwiseeeetttt. ay walang hiya talaga.

i swear i could've gotten more decent answers if it weren't for the TIME!!!
fuck.
kulang sa oras. watdapak.

ano, chem64 na ba?

i'm losing hope.
wtf.

comsaaaayy. ngayon ko lang na-realize na mas malaki ang fascination ko sa html kaysa sa chemisty. i was never 'fascinated' in the first place. =\

omaygaaaaddd.
Lord, where is my bawi?????
i studied!!! (o baka kulang na naman?) aynaku talaga!!!!!

ayan. inatake nanaman ako ng heartburn! e kasi naman dude! araw araw na nanaman akong nagkakape! >_>;;

mehn.
i wanna go home. :{

consuelo naman Lord. =(
iyak nanaman ako nito.

smile, arianne.

Story: ----
Status: Complete
Words: 22834
Chapter:10
Reviews: 177 =D
Hits: 67376
C2S: 30
Favorites: 121 =D
Alerts: 192

although i know i'm still highly incompetent as a writer (because i don't really care much about grammar), those statistical entries cheered me up. :)
C2S stands for communities, it means that there are 30 communites who included my story in their archives. 121 Favorites! i couldn't get anymore happier! 121 registered users faved my story! my crappy 90% grammatically incorrect fanfiction!! hehe. alerts... hmmm... actually it's just a tool to remind a reader if i have already updated my story... but since it's already complete... an alert isn't needed anymore. but still... that's 192 people waiting for an update... (blah. those are just from the previous chapters. whatever. and they just forgot to cancel it)

oh, i'm not fishing for compliments. =( i'm just happy of the stats but if you ask me personally, i don't like the way i wrote the piece. my beta hasn't returned the proofread version of my story yet.. kaya yun. =) hmmmm... compared to other stories of course mine is plain crap. but that's the best stat i've achieved so far. and i'm glaaaaad.

hehe. from now on...
i won't be plugging my ff.net account anywhere... i'll just leave it alone.
the main reason would be is that i want me as an author to be separated from me as arianne. :) and besides... most people don't like what i do.

fyi, i write gay stories.

and you don't know much i hate being stereotyped with that.

the worst of mediocrity

i'm not supposed to be here!

i decided to skip my last subject for the day (lts1) in hopes of sparing 3 hours worth of uhh...classes. lts1 is fun, really but i guess i'm just too worn out? too tired? too sleepy? too... i'm not sure. i'm just being the good student that i am. yeah, wtf.

the truth is, i'm just plain lazy.

i'm kinda depressed right now... i feel like the biggest idiot in the world. fuck. i don't get chem40, i don't understand chem32, i'm cramming through math36, bored with spcm1, and now i'm skipping my nstp to give myself a chance to slap myself and give my stupid ego a good scolding for letting my academic life crumble like a sand castle under the rain.

like crazy, man.
like craaaaaazy.

i need to sleep.
mehn. what's with YELLOW???? why do i see a lot of people wearing yellow?????
i'm wearing yellow, by the way.
my crush is wearing yellow too. =}

tomorrow is BLUE BRIGADE.
see ya.

he's yours, all yours. and now i'm bored

honestly,

ayoko ng may ka-agaw. lalo na if it's something i value a lot. i am naturally possesive but i don't usually show it. years of inexperience made it a dormant quality in me.

now, if it concerns a guy and the tug-o-war is beetween me and a special friend, i'll let go of the rope. because honestly, i'd rather have a friend than a boyfriend. i don't trade my special friends with something (or someone, rather) i know will just come and go. besides, i know myself... i easily get bored.

they say boredom is only experienced by boring people. i beg to disagree. boredom (along with a lot other abstract nouns) is relative. shallow people don't (or hardly ever) experience boredom because they can interpret everything in the shallowest sense.

i am always bored, always idle, always looking for something to do when in fact there's a pile of junk dumped on my table waiting to be noticed, waiting to be given even the slightest bit of attention. and now i realize, i'm the type of person who doesn't get easily motivated with the things i am not inclined to. i always look underneath my pile of workload for something that would somehow stir up a fraction of interest within the bounds of my knowledge.

i'm lost.

oh, so it works?

i don't know, should i take glutaphos again? i have three exams this week! hehehe. i remember the last time i took it, nothing happened (at least that's how i perceived it). i guess it's psychological. when people feed you with the fact that it's a super effective memory enhancer and brain booster, whenever you take in a tablet and feel like a genius, you worship the freakin drug. and when you feel dumb, you feel like you've already exhausted the power of thy mighty medicine. then you drink again... think of yourself as a genius who will one day conquer the world... kneel down before the indifferent tablet and work your way through your homework.

what the hell does it dooooo???

now i'm questioning my intelligence (of course with the supposition that i do have some). up to what extent can my brain handle worldly complexities? how far can my mind go (without shutting down) about running the race with natural geniuses? do i need to be a drug dependent just to ensure the normal flux of neurotransmitters in my brain?


wtf.

school has never been this psychologically tormenting.

do i really belong here?

leonard has been a great factor on why i'm thinking a LOT about SHIFTING. when he first mentioned to me that he's planning on shifting to BS Chemistry or Biology... i was like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" (uhh not exactly but you should get it. duh) and i was insisting on the 'fact' that our course sounds 'cool' (to others) not to mention 'hard' and also 'demanding' but then those adjectives doesn't command that much to be considered. heck and i was (yet again) explaining to him that he's going to break the ABCDE chain that we've established (or maybe it's just me who noticed and made a big deal out of it) on our first sem in the university.

the ABCDE chain is explained as follows: :)

originally there were 6 06-B students who were qualified for chemical engineering and our surnames are Alaon, Alo, Birog, Camasin, Dizon, and Eseo
bwahahahaha odiba? we're alphabetically arranged! (which actually made me think that MAYBE the college secretary just picked the first 6 waitlisted people on their list alphabetically.. ). yeah and Charles (Alo) got dismissed but nevertheless the ABCDE remains so it's fine.

joke, it's not fine!! >_> hehe balik ka na kasi chav... bilis! :D

and now... leonard (Eseo) wants to leave us! huhuhuhuhuhu :( come to think of it, it doesn't really matter if we drop off with the E because ABCD is still intact but that's not the point! it's not about who breaks off from the alphabet! that's just me and my shallow (not to mention nonsensical discoveries about our batch) chorvabells. >_>

anyhow. leonard and i were talking about shifting and the whole thing about 'loving your craft' and not pursuing your real 'dream'. when he left at around 12:30 for his classes, i was left thinking.... damn hard.

nyeeee. dapat ba nag fine arts ako? commarts? business mgt.?
is it to late to change directions?
ang ayoko lang naman talaga ay yung super hirap maka-alis ng CEAT (college of eng'g) at super nakakatamad magayos ng mga paper requirements... tsaka ang hirap maghabol ng grades no. para naman kasing ang tali-talino ko...

haha. i flunked our first chem32 exam. feeling ko ako lowest dun e... feeling ko talaga...

yeah. maybe they can easily discharge me from their college because i'm not someone who displayed exemplary academic standing in the first place. yeah, i'm so right with that freakin point.

now the question is, where do i go next? there is no fine-freakin-arts here in los banos and honestly, you cannot in anyway convince me to take it (no matter how much you flatter me).

eto lang naman kasi talaga yan.

MY COLLEGE LIFE HAS NO DEFINITE AND IMPLICIT DIRECTION.

yet.