go swallow me whole

do not
aba makulit ka
.
.
.

let me count the times i cried this morning... that's probably gonna sum up to 4x, more or less. fuck. ok, so i'm entering the most crucial part of becoming a member of an organization and by the looks of it, i'm not enjoying it. not even a single bit. sorry, i just have to let this out. but i won't quit. never. unless we get physical. think of the reward arianne! keep moving forward! don't cha-cha! whaaat??!

fuck. what's the main reason of my, uh, shallow outbursts anyway? i didn't study my tickler. i didn't memorize anything, i didn't do a research beforehand on the people i'm going to report to. that's why. i cried because i'm speechless, i can't say anything, i can't answer objective questions. that's why. ohyeah. but i don't mind crying, it's an outlet. >_> oh, and they broke my tickler. fuck. i have to go about the funny stitches again. and it's not even funny to have your tickler look dugyutin right after you felt proud of finishing it.... at 2am.

if you can relate, fine. if you can't... leave this entry.

i'm not taking everything seriously, because that's what they said. ewan, parang mas mahihirapan ako sa objective type of reporting kesa dun sa kinukupal. e kung pagsamahin? patay... >_>

uy ano ba yan, while i was heading home... may mga nakasalubong akong friends. and fuck! you don't know how much i resisted the urge to open up! yung umiyak lang kasi palpak ako. pero hindi pede e... sikretong malupit! >_>

o dibale, first day palang naman e. whatever talaga, ang hirap magpasked, di ko sila kilala lahat. >_>;

hay hay hay. harry potter, i miss you but i can't see you right now. maybe after a month. para solo na kita sa sinehan. kung showing ka pa... :(

sige sige next time ulit... :}

strange disease

i miss that song! hehehe oooooh it's raining! how's life? fine fine fine! tomorrow is the start of our reporting. i hope i gave them the right impression awhile ago. kamown! i don't want them to test my determination!!! i don't want them to do things like, 'o ano gagawin mo ba o pupunitin ko tickler mo?' oh no, but if ever that happens, bahala sila punitin yung tickler ko! basta ayoko! hahahaha...

homaygulay. harry potter is neaaaarrr! kimmy my daughter have me a HP5 poster from Kzone! yehey!!!

i'm changing this layout very very soon! as soon as i go home this weekend pramis!!! :) i've found a really great skeleton layout for my next layout. whew. everytime i see my prof's laptops i get really envious! i feel like i'm not for chem. eng'g! i feel like i'm really destined for computer science!! i'm fascinated with html, css and java! i like doing stuff with the computer! but there's only one thing holding me back... and that is the huge amount of sweat and braincells i sacrificed taking up my chemistry subjects. and for crying out loud, i'm on my 4th chem already! and it's just my 2nd semester in the university. why back out? go atoms! wtf.

to those who reviewed my stories in ffnet:
thanks a lot! it's been more than a year since i last updated and i'm still getting reviews! thank you thank you! i promise to read more to enhance my grammar. i'm losing it, honestly. >_>

my dormmate says it's abnormal to fancy a celebrity a lot. people say that my 'love' for ryan agoncillo is already abonormal. I BEG TO DISAGREE! i don't even know his birthday!! i only have one picture of him and that's his promotional pic from penshoppe and it's not even with me! i'm not his stalker! i've never seen him in person! but i do love him, as a fan. :) and as a fan, even though it (kinda) hurts to see he's already engaged... i must accept that fact because... it gave him more media exposure. hehehe and that's an advantage... at one point. yeah

he's also the reason why i spell my name R-yan. :) oh! i have a shirt with my name on the back spelled R-yan! hehehe

another one! our japanese dormmate (ate diane) brought his ITALIAN boyfriend here yesterday! we were like, Fernando Jose is that you???? >_> and he's so handsome! his name is Mariano...super tall, very mexicanovela material. cebilisimo! (???) and he brought us a box of swiss chocolates. kamown!!! go ate diane! pakasal na kayo! invite us!!!

i'm itching to change this layout. :{

death gods eat apples

first it started out as a zit. a common teenager problem. then i scratch it. it bleeds. problem is, it's on my nose. now it looks like a scar. a small dark dot on my nose that threatens to blow up my image. whaaat? i'm so pathetic. you know why? ever since i grew my nails i seem to scratch my skin a lot. like this superwotcher thing on my nose, if i didn't have long nails i would just leave it alone but since they've grown to a normal size, everything unfit that grows on my skins looks scratch-worthy. i hate pimples. everybody thinks i have my period because i don't normaly have pimples unless 'it's near'. >_> yak. hahaha kababawan.

hey. some of our relatives came here today. that's why i cooked! i cooked 3 trays of spaghetti. kamown. i exhausted myself big time, when i walked out of the kitchen i looked like a criminal coz i'm holding a knife (because i'm chopping garlics) and my shirt is painted red (tomato sauce). but i enjoyed cooking for my family... :) there's an incomparable bliss in seeing your loved ones enjoy the food you prepared for them. and my little cousins keep on asking more!! aww i'm so flattered.

also, i'm glad i was cooking the time my cousin, ate ning arrived. she used to invite me outside to have some small talk. she just pretty much checks out on me, to see if my point of view has already been distorted when i entered the university, she asks if i'm already joining a sorority, if my grades are ok... blah. BUT the truth is, she just wants to SMOKE. and she just wants a companion. she can't do it in the house because her husband will stop her. i'm stopping her too! i always remind her smoking is more detrimental to the people around her. and i'm always around her when she smokes. what? are you killing me? so yeah, i'm not gonna go out with her anymore. not if all she's gonna do is smoke. >_>;

i think it's time...

for me to join an organization. hehehe... actually i've already passed my application to AChEs (alliance of chem. eng'g students)... weird name huh? but it's pronounced ey-ches... like HS. hehehe, it's a new org... just 1 year old! and even though i'm hearing bad rumours about their pioneer members being quitters of various science orgs, it doesn't change my impression of them.

enough about that...

let me share to you this artwork i saw last year in SM megamall

nice huh? now look at the close up


FREAKIN AWESOME!!!

i love my sister so much. naiiyak ako kapag nakikita ko syang nahihirapan or pag nakikita ko syang depressed. pero everytime nangyayari yun, i try hard to supress my tears, kasi alam ko sakin sya kumukuha ng lakas, ng advice and it wouldn't help kung iiyak ako kasama sya. lagi ko sinasabi sa kanya na walang ibang taong makapag-didikta ng mga bagay na dapat nyang gawin. ikaw lang ang makapagsasabi kung kaya mo pa o hindi. kulang sya sa self-confidence. sobrang big deal sa kanya yung pinagdaraanan nya ngayon... pero sa totoo lang.... HINDI DAPAT. e ano kung kinukupal ka? lahat ng applicante kinukupal! natural yon! dahil shempre hindi rin naman basta basta ang pagpasok sa isang org. e ano kung mabagal ka mag-isip? sabihan ka ng inconsistent?

ano ba ang goal ng reporting? it's just a way for you to introduce yourself to the org. yun lang yon. di mo kailangan sumayaw ng 'makulay ang buhay' o 'adoodoodoo', self-humiliation yun (unless enjoy ka)

terai i love you! pero naiinis ako sayo gusto kita batukan! kelangan ko pang icheck sa tambayan kung andun yung kaibigan kong pwede nyang pagreportan kasi mabait yon! bakit ganun? bakit ka natatakot? nangunguna ka sa batch nyo! 3 tao na lang abot mo na yung quota! why stop now? ano baaaa nahihirapan na ako sayo... terai naman e. hangang 2am kitang kinakausap, tapos at that time feeling ko gets mo na kasi parang super bumalik yung confidence mo, pero kinabukasan ano? sasabihin mo na ayoko pa magreport, hindi ko pa kaya! WTF terai! wtf talaga! lagi namin sinasabi na kung ano yung mga naririnig mo sa isang tenga, ilabas kaagad sa kabila! pero what's happening? hindi makalabas yung mga negative thoughts dahil bago maka-exit sa other ear, nagpepenetrate muna sa brain mo!

kamown terai! kaya mo yan eh, alam ko! 1 week na lang utang na loob a. patulugin mo naman ako. pati ako napupuyat sa tuwing uuwi ka after your batch meeting.

aynaku terai. rewarding naman yan afterwards eh. >_>

ay ewan. lagi namin sya pinagsasabihan. pero mahina pa rin ang loob.

dear Lord,
yung prayer ko? sinulatan na kita? asan na? please Lord, MAKE IT ASAP.
amen.

omaygulay.

i have much to learn

good news: i was really angry about broadband days ago but now we're okay. i said sorry to the modem (literally) and we reconciliated. now he's running at 100mbps -- according to the LAN properties --- which is really fast, but i still can't figure out how it is being distributed to the browser windows i open, but it's fast now... yey

i want to have red hair

-- right now, i'm trying to figure my hands on capturing flash videos and converting them to avi or mpeg or any windows supported video format. i reinstalled my VLC player because the FLV player i got from applian doesn't play (for some retarded reason) the flv files i downloaded from keepvid. damn and i even made a tutorial on it... pardon my incredibility. when i finally figure out the right things (and freewares to use), i will get back on that.

for now, let's just say i'm still 'experimenting'. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULY!!!!

live junk for the bitter soul

hello everyone, i'm using broadband internet access and it sucks. yeah, i was right when i said dial-up is still the best. the problem is we couldn't get a good signal in the basement (duh) and that's practically where our computers live so to get a good reach of that f*cking globelines network we have to adjust the position of their "highspeed" modem. which is why my dad brought this laptop to my room (here on the 2nd floor), to see if there'll be any progress if you put their f*cking modem at a higher place. yes, there's progress but it still didn't reach my standards. my idea of "broadband" is to be able to watch streaming videos without those annoying buffer pauses but i guess i'm bound not to achieve that anymore.

now i want DSL.
fuck their fraudaulent marketing strategies.

transformers!

it was really unexpected. our parents fetched me and my sister at megamall and from there decided to watch a movie. we watched transformers. actually, i'm not really hyped up on watching it since robots barely have a hormonal effect on me or on any of my nerves but still, we decided to watch it since it's the newest in the list.

oh my god, transformers is so well done! it's both humorous and sad. sad. sad. yeah, i cried a couple of times. i have really shallow tears. and then you know, i thought i was gonna die of boredom because as i have said, i'm not really into robots and i haven't watched a single episode of transformers cartoons. but really, this movie got me interested big time! maybe because it's a steven speilberg (sp?) i'm not sure but mehn! the animation is superb! and the whole classified military files being hacked in less than 10 seconds?? that's just whoa! and the cars mehn! the cars! hot wheels i tell ya!

now go watch it before i spill everything everything off!! i tell you it's a must watch!!! why else would sm megamall allot 7 cinemas for it?

on the boo side of it all: in the middle of the movie, the film skrewed off! the screen went white and showed flashes of pictures which are obviously not part of the movie! then everyone in the cinema went "boo! boo! pirated!!!" but after a few seconds it returned back to normal so i guess it's ok. haha but still, they should fix that -_-

next in line:
:: Blades of Glory - the trailer is so funny!
:: Harry Potter - of course!

art in line: because a lot of things inspire me this season... i plan to do
:: an oil pastel work
:: the usual doodle stuff (remember the heart and star shaped pieces? --- see artworks) but this time using different shapes and motifs... i'm planning on doing
.lips
.butterfly
.transformers!!! (i need of a lot of photo reference) and hopefully
.statue of oblation (now if this comes out good enough, i might as well consider
it my proudest artwork. yeah right)
:: i also want to work on t-shirt designs but i'm still afraid because i tend to overdo and exagerrate with the details, it might be too hard to paint. -_-;

all i really need to accomplish those is time and money!