conformity is bitch

i want to change this layout.

finally done with the finals. what a relief. the chem16 finals was... err... like what i said in math, it was so-so. steady lang. i think it was easier. 210 points. before passing my paper i tabulated all the correct answers that i'm confident i got right and it reached beyond passing score. i was glad. really glad but after the test when i inquired it with my friends, we all have different answers. what the hell? i don't know what's right and wrong anymore. either way, it wouldn't kill to repeat.

what an irony. among all the subjects i took since i was a kid, chem16 is the only subject i learned the most from. yes, i love what i have learned and what a shame that from all the things i learned and could be boastful of, there's a big chance i'd end up repeating the blasted subject. what a big loser. i thought i was smart enough, but i guess i slacked-off too much. wait. scratch that. i didn't slack-off! i poured my every braincell into understanding the concepts that goes along with chem but why are my efforts - the sleepless nights, the nervous breakdowns and this forming mental illness - still inversely proportional to my grades?

mehn. it's too early to say things like that. but either way, pass or fail... i'm not going to lose it. i'm fine with repeating actually. but i'm better off taking 17 this summer. duh.

this day:

before going home as usual i dropped by SM megamall. i left my backpack in the package counter and headed to St. Francis Square. it was a damn long walk, every now and then i stop on my tracks to see if i can jaywalk along the barred aisles because the heat is killing me, much more, the heat is like supplying me with extra melanin. i don't need that! i'm dark enough. no, i'm too dark already. but my conscience prevailed, i mean, my ego (in psych terms the ego is the executive and chief mediator of the personality. the most rational part of our beings) took charge. and so i walked the extra mile to reach my destination. but before that, i saw Chateau 1771. it reminded me of our prosec field trip and the yummy chicken fillet. which led to me realizing that the Podium is just... there.

i entered podium and instantly got bored. much more, i felt like a 3rd class citizen living in a classic Philippine shanty. is there anything i'm holding now that would make me feel like an upperclass socialite? ah. i have my earphones stuck in my ears, they're white so it looks like i have an ipod when in fact i have a smaller, cheaper thing. i easily dismissed the thought and tried to look around in hopes of finding something worthwhile. nothing (aside from starbucks).

i hate myself when i go to places like podium or rockwell (or anywhere expensive). it makes me feel inferior about myself. everywhere i look, i see high profile people (or so i thought). it makes me wish for a lot of things like, i wish i were whiter, i wish i have smooth legs and shaved eyebrows, i wish i have that bag you're holding now instead of this cheap bag with the words 'accident and health' written in big boldfaced letters. i wish i look like a rich teenager. i'm becoming a social climber. that's why i avoid those places unless i'm wearing my best and my wallet is stuffed with lotsa moolahs. T_T; i'm incredibly pathetic i want to kill myself.

my self esteem is way below the average.
and because i hate what i'm thinking and feeling at that time, i decided to indulge on coffee. where else? i bought a venti mocha frappe. it's big and expensive and it gives you instant status hike. admit it, starbucks has become a status symbol. even if you're wearing your worst, as long as you're sipping through that trademark green straw, you're away from the people's negative prejudgment. but in my case, you can't just take away coffee from my lifestyle so please understand that i drink because i crave.

i'm totally hating my attitude.
which is why after getting my order, i headed directly to St. Francis square to buy dvd's. The L Word is everywhere and they have until season 4!! but i held back, thinking that i'm being selfish and evil if buy it because... hello? i can't just invite my parents to watch lesbian porn! and i don't like watching alone so i figured i just have to buy 300. at least i could watch it with my dad. =) good girl.

then i went back to megamall. i bought some vanity stuff, mostly whitening goods, because unlike other people who want to get tan this summer, i want to get fairer. just fairer. not really that white. hahaha. i'm so vain. hahaha.

ps: i saw raymart santiago in the podium awhile ago. starstrucked? not even. if it were ryan agoncillo, i'll instantly dismiss the fact that i look like a 3rd class thingy and get a picture with him... using my sucker of a cam phone that takes a century to load. XP

1 down, 2 to go!

at last! done with the math17 finals!! my golly, if they only have exemptions then i wouldn't have faced the dread of sitting on a chair and sweating hard for 2 freakin hours! i believe i lost more braincells than i could have earned by thinking a lot. grrr...

hmm. the test was err.. so-so. steady lang. i mean, i'm a big idiot for not studying earlier. our prof gave our 5th unit exam as a TAKE HOME and mehn, that take home exam took the whole of my weekend. i wasn't able to rationalize well by then that's why i didn't notice that i didn't have enough time to study my notebook cover to cover. our exam started at 2pm and i was only able to study by 12:30! oh well, at least i got some problems right. i also guessed a lot during the multiple choice. hehe. bahala na.

ok. tomorrow is the end of all my miserieeeeessss! 10am to 12noon i'll be having my eng1 finals. i'll study later. then at 4-6pm....

*insert annoying drumroll here*

chem16!!!! (same thing, study later. you know me)

*insert loud boo's - much better, throw tin cans, crumpled papers, rotten tomatoes and please include your chemistry notebooks and your reduction-potential tables as well*

after dealing with those stupid required final exams, i can now do my philo paper due on wednesday. i should've done it over the weekend but i forgot to bring my philosophical analysis book and the guidelines for making the paper at home. what an idiot.

oh well. after wednesday... i'm all free! yes, as in i don't have to do anything else, no more forced studying and all those junk. but on the dull side...
i can't leave til friday afternoon because our math prof required us to get our standings on that day. grrr. boooooooo.

and on the day before that, our PE1 class cards are out as well. hm, i'll just have someone get it for me.

my head really hurts, i need some.... ice cream.

if only

yes! if only! that's the title of my new fic. remember i added a few paragraphs to my long forgotten fic before? now i figured it's about time to post it. it's just the prologue actually, pretty short but i'm just too excited to post it and get feedbacks.

unfortunately, fanfiction.net is having their usual overload errors and they wouldn't let me sign in. just great.

summary: if you've lost the only person you could turn to, how far would you go to bring him back?

of course that's a harryXdraco! wouldn't want to deviate from the most popular, most anticipated, sexiest fictitious and homosexual pair ever. bwahaha.

ohmy, i haven't started studying for our math17 finals tomorrow. haha. great.

2007 planner

i just finished making the cover now. sorry the black ink sucks because i just used an ordinary ballpen and not a sign pen (could've gotten a better effect with it). the bg's are just construction papers. =) i haven't put plastic cover yet.

yeah, it's almost 4 months late, i know. who cares.

oh, you can also see this under 'Artworks'. i have just uploaded it in my devart account. =)

stop with 'hell week' will you?

at last. i've added a few paragraphs to my long forgotten fic - Don't Turn Back. i guess my fic writing mojo will be having a grand comeback somwhere between april to may. i just can't wait till the finals week is over. my mind is racing of ideas, both romantic and strange and the bunnies are plotting again. i'll be leaving the rated:M realm for now because i can't seem to write naughty stuff for now. i want tragedy. i'm becoming a big fan of traggic endings. and i can't seem to get over it.

i.just.can't.wait.till.summer.

mehn.

you know what. it's my mom's birthday on monday! yey. and it's also the beginning of our finals week. i'll be taking 3 subjects, which are all required. math17, chem16 and eng1. eng1?? eng1??? RIDICULOUS ISN'T IT???? and to think our professor didn't really teach us anything. grr...

haaay. i'm starting to accept the huge possibility of me repeating chem16 next sem. >.< God forbid. mehn.

hahaha. i'm not feeling the supposed to be 'hell week'. why do people feel 'hell weeks' anyway? i just oppose to the idea of calling a week 'hell' because every day is made by God and you're just going to take it as hell? mehn. that's rude. God didn't make 7 days a week only to be called hell. =(

on the contrary, all the hardships we get are God's form of testing us. and mind you, according to the Bible, he won't give us anything we can't handle. so if you get a really difficult problem, be flattered! because God knows it is in your capacity to solve it. hehehe

i have a lot of things planned this summer. well, first of all i have to resume my exercise routine. i'm getting fatter and fatter of *ehem* studying. next i have to write. even though i didn't learn anything helpful in english 1 - where i'm expecting to broaden my knowledge on grammar - i still have to write because... the ideas are killing me mehn! and also, i have to save money. if i don't get chem17 this summer, i won't be having my allowance. sooo... i need to find a job.

wahehehehee. ok. i'm excited to get over this week. yeheesssss!!!

slaughter house

i should be studying right now but i figured i have to first satiate this unhealthy urge to go online. you see, i get excited when i'm faced with a long list of to-do's. and that's just how far it can go. just excited. i feel excited to start and get things done. but again, it's just a feeling. something that makes me feel weird about myself because it's very unlike me to consider 'studying' an 'exciting' activity.

i'm starting to get immune to the sound of hard drumming of fingers on the keyboard. blame it all on O2Jam. mehn. >.<

late news.
i attended the 'convocation on large classes' last friday just for the heck of it. actually i just want to sit down in an airconditioned auditiorium to rest. i planned to stay only for a few minutes but upon hearing the discussion and questions of the students and faculty members, my interest was ignited. i thought, hey... this is quite an interesting topic so i stayed until the forum ended. they're getting feedbacks on us regarding the proposed large classes to be implemented starting 1st sem AY07-08 on selected subjects. this is majorly a bad news especially for us students. what i'm more concerned on is that they're taking chem to lecture halls as well!! as i've rhetorically asked before, "how could you sacrifice quality education for cost-cutting measures?"

what's more depressing about it is that the chancellor himself claimed the large classes scheme as experimental depending on the efficiency of the procedure. more so, they cannot even present to us a material basis or case study that calls for the necessity of the action. how the hell are we going to accept that? when the scheme lay inefficient in educating the students, definitely it will be pulled back. yes, that's a good thing. but what about those who failed? what about those who were forced to act as guinea pigs to measure the efficiency of the experiement? how are their efforts going to be compensated? uggh, i really hate it when our questions are either left unanswered or given a safe answer. it's pretty obvious that they only set this convocation for formality's sake. but it didn't really bear any helpful results. i just hope i don't get to be a victim in this largely unsolicited decision they0 came up with.

oh. the thing with the large classes is to give way for the senior faculty to teach and to, as usual, save money. i personally prefer fresh grads or younger people to teach because they are less boring and they can still simplify everything into lay man's term. but the senior faculty? yes they could boast their PhD's and masterals however they want but wouldn't it be boring to have someone old, less creative, and more technical teach you a hard subject? aw mehn.

anyhow. i've ranted enough considering that this topic didn't even made it to the list of 'the things i should worry about most'. hahahaha.

ok. i'm logging off. i should start studying already. i have two exams tomorrow. grant me the blessing, Lord! =)

i need sleep

the headache's killing me and i still have a lot of things to do. saturday, i slept at 3am just to finish my psy1 project. the next morning i feel my head split into two. sunday morning we went to church, felt really blessed that i heard God's word. and we're talking about the Rapture. wouldn't want to miss that.

i feel really excited to start doing my workload. i know it's weird and ultimately so unlike me but i thank God for the feeling. if not then i would be procastinating again. and wait. finals week is fast approaching. i'm so excited to get over it. mehn.

mehn. the keyboards here are really hard. >.<