slacking off

my conscience says i shouldn't be here sitting comfortably in an airconditioned computer hub practically wasting what's left with my allowance. but my craves get the better of me. even though i have nothing much to do online, i'm always having this urge to surf. we have a long test in chem16 lab later at 7-9pm. sucks big time i know but our instructor assured us that it's going to be difficult. my classmates are so easy about this thing. they even rejoiced when our teacher dismissed us around 11 when we should be doing an experiment until 1. i'm happy too, but i'm not at peace. i have this moral dillemma that has been consuming my usual optimistic self. it's hard to keep the good endorphins working when you're stuck in a place you're an alien to. i'm talking about the chem16 lecture now. grr. my mind is not working well. i don't understand anything. and i have just recently discovered that i am so easy to please. i laugh at the simplest things around, even though it's not that funny and i'm the only one plastered with a huge grin in our group. how can it be that? does it also explain why i don't fret much about my low grades? i'm not at all pleased. but i wasn't born smart, i'm still in the process of learning how to be one. and this school is so tough, so fast, so inconsiderate that i couldn't keep up. my friends are all hyped on taking chem17 this summer. hell, because i know they'll pass chem16 with flying colors and chances are i'll be retaking it! so much for shifting. no no no. i shouldn't be assuming things already. haha, i should be positive. yeah right. be positive! you're the master of the happy endorphins!!

let's take the verse of the day for inspiration: Daniel 2:19-23
yes... He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning.

ok. let's all study!!!

they had it coming

two days to go before my sister's 18th birthday. we're not throwing a debut party, it's too impractical at this point of time. imagine during that week (this week) i have three long tests, and she has her own list of schoolworks to toil over. no party. just a simple blowout at the dorm. yeah, that would do. as her sister, i'm feeling obliged to do something for her. but what? i want balloons on the ceiling and a banner on the wall. i want a giant birthday card for her too. hay plans. but how am i going to do it? she'll be wanting my company for the ordering of foods and i'll be busy doing stuff with her haay, nevermind, i can do it. excited na nga ako eh.

anyway. my LJ account is active once again, but the juice will still be dispensed here. i'm considering putting up some of my formal compositions there. stuff i write in school and a couple of poems. not that they're good, i just don't want them disappearing in the hard drive. besides, i'm a master of incoherent thoughts and off-grammar ramblings, so there isn't anything to be proud of. even i can't understand myself when i write something formal.

my sister went ahead of me to los banos because she has a meeting to attend. so while i'm here i plan to study a bit in math17, fix my things, and maybe drop by fcm to buy something. oh well. maybe the balloons won't come in handy when i go back there (hell, she'll notice) so i'll think of something else. by the way, i was so proud of myself when i've finally memorized the cations and anions (w/ charges) for our lab manual. i got a lot of inspiration from God, seriously. plus, he gave me a a bottle of nutella so while studying i was on chololate high and i couldn't help licking my fingers clean of the sinfully delicious treat.

hmm. i'm afraid i lied when i said i've finally freed myself from the zahir. the truth is, i'm not yet over it. i feel sad whenever i think he's leaving and that i'll be stuck here alone in the dread. which is why i want to finalize my goals. i don't want to do something i'm not inclined to. help me Lord.

if you have been there, i guess that would have done the same.

comic striiiiiiip!

i made this january 7 while studying for chem16. half of the bond paper used was filled with junk computations while the other half was used to produce this yet another fruit of thy boredom, now with added inspiration (coming from the text message itself, if you've ever received it :D). hehe. i love the message. it's so cute. i wonder if someone's ever done this before, i mean the whole romantic interpretation of a very common signboard (here). hahaha.

it's friday and i'm home! i should be sleeping right now but i decided to go online first. i have exactly 20 minutes before my load expires. anyway, we went to sm megamall awhile ago to buy my sister's giftS. we're looking for a pink high-cut chuck taylor's sizes 7-7 1/2 - but we failed to. no sizes available, and SHE won't take anything but pink or hot pink. so demanding it freaks me out. if it wasn't for her birthday (her 18th birthday to be exact) i'll be scolding her for pressuring all of us just for an uber expensive sneakers. i've nothing against the mighty chucks (in fact i'm planning on buying one myself) but we're just so tired. we practically toured every sports shop including the department store but dear old fate won't cooperate. in the end we just bought her a little dog stuffed toy from toy kingdom (which she chose over a microbeaded pig). wow ha, that is so 18-ish. aside from that, my parents already put 50thou investment on her account. and tomorrow, she's going to continue her quest to find the perfect shoe. and i'm going with her! yey. weeeeee.

i have a lot of things to study!!! i have three exams next week, math17, chem16lab and psy1. yehey. good luck to meeee!!!

happy weekend!!!

the ideal gas law

Awhile ago I have written a fairly long amount of text but the computer shop suddenly bagged down. I mean there was a brown out and so my file was deleted. I had to wait for the electricity to come back before I check the recovered file. You know what, it wouldn’t matter that much to me if the recovered file wasn’t recovered at all but the fact that I mentioned someone’s NAME in the text I’ve written makes me nervous enough not to let anyone read it. So for goodness sake, I’m going to learn the essence of saving every now and then. thank you.

I thought I should take it as a sign for me to stop typing a journal but I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from semi-blogging in a password protected Microsoft word file. By the way, this won’t take longer than usual.

Can I hop on to this day? So in my blog yesterday I’ve mentioned that I’ve finally freed myself from my Zahir. It’s actually a good thing that right now, whenever I see him, I see him only as a friend and the ‘spark’ that I once thought would fire off hearts in the night sky suddenly disappeared and ceased to impress itself. Yes, I know we’d only look after one another as mere friends and because I’ve already freed myself from the hopeless thoughts of me having no chance to him, I’ve come to accept it as well. It’s not that hard. The short Christmas vacation helped me a lot in deciding about this. Thanks a bunch.

Today is a semi-good day. I laughed a lot, I think I gave off a reasonable amount of positive energy to last the whole day. Meaning, I’m happy right now. The presence of the Zahir does not affect me anymore. Being friends, we enjoy each other’s company. I was the one who withdrew from the possibility of love to ignite. Or rather, I was the only one who thought it’s possible in the first place. Imagine the doom if I did not struggle from the Zahir, it would be a painful one-sided adventure to the brink of rejection. Painful. I have no idea how painful is ‘painful’ but coming from other’s who have experienced intolerable amount of heartbrokenness, I think painful can be equated to a heart piercing. It’s like having your heart pierced when there’s no jewelry to be stuck in it.

I sometimes wonder if I’m the only one thinking about these things but then nothing would change so, que sera sera.

Let’s see. There is another guy whom I’m not officially crushing on but then again, I’m using him as a cover to hide the Zahir. I don’t know why I always mention him, but I seriously don’t feel anything for him. It sucks to think that I’m morphing into one of his pathetic groupies who swoons over him whenever he passes by. I’m just starting to think it’s essential for me to divert the topic to him, since he’s popular enough to be talked about and people won’t mind because, grrrr, it’s normal for a girl to think he’s her prince charming. The nerve, God. THE NERVE. Trivia: his face is rough when you zoom it 4x. otherwise you’d think he’s a demi-god. Hahaha. but a friend of mine says he's ugly, and out of defending my taste for guys, i say he's wrong and that he's an *adjective+noun*. holy land of jerusalem, i would never ever repeat that word again. i'm giving him too much compliments he's not worthy of. but it's a matter of pride, and i don't want anyone saying i pick ugly guys. hmm... i think i COULD, only if he's rich and smart.

And so people think that just like his other anonymous admirers, I’m head over heels for this guy. Nye. Ok, let’s leave it here. The important thing is, I’m back to my usual grayscale love life and I’m happy. Couldn’t be anymore happier in fact. My favorite lunch is siomai-rice with banana and my favorite drink is a regular café-late with extra pearls from zagu. I’m wasting too much money. Bye.

i am a free man

the earthquake in taiwan affected the DSL's in our country, that's why the internet connection here, which uses DSL is quite fucked up. (i'm not sure if it's the real cause of these annoying internet delays but that's what i heard). i don't really mind, except that i can't gain access to blogger during the times i'm itching to update (like now, and if you must know... i'm mailing this entry again). it's just now that i realized the usefulness of the blogger-email feature. it comes in really handy when blogger is slow and the only thing you can open is your mailbox. hahahaha.

so what am i itching to update anyway? you know me, i love updating for no itchy reasons at all. i just... want to write! yey. not about something substantial but rather just about anything random that comes to my mind. and randomness, in my case, can be equated to nonsensical gibberish. you don't have to brace yourself for what lies ahead since there's nothing surprising if i suddenly want to talk nonsense (like i always do). just er.. read.

the more you hate, the more you talk about it. you talk as if he's the worst thing that ever crossed your life. you want to know more unlikely things about him in hopes of looking for a reason to hate him forever when in fact, it's just to cover another fact that he occupies a portion of your mind. he's becoming your personal Zahir and it disgusts you to take it any further. you want to drown yourself with reasons to turn yourself off but as you sink deeper, your senses adapt. you do not struggle anymore, you learn the depths of his soul. but as the book says, the only way to let go of something is to get used to it first. and so you do. you spend time with him, thinking that you'll soon grow fond of him that you won't miss him anymore. and it happens, the spark you once thought would draw hearts in the night sky fades away and you heave a sigh of lightness. it's over.

i just freed myself from my Zahir.

yehey! come on Friday... i'm waiting.

adsense terminated

it's been more or less two months since i started earning through adsense (no i haven't received my first paycheck... but i should be if only--). during those two months i've accumulated a total of around 280 clicks and $35... which roughly amounts to P1750 here in and is more than enough to pay for 5 units of my summer classes. however, due to my own stupidity - or rather this is karma's payback trick on me- i have carelessly comitted invalid clicks. honestly, i have been breaking the adsense terms and conditions ever since i started and in the first place, i am not legally allowed to participate in it - agewise. i just want to try it. i should be arrested. lol. i just turned myself over.

so it's over. i'm not sad. two days ago i received the account deactivation notice and i was surprised. but i easily got over it thinking that either way it wouldn't do me any good. besides, i'm breaking the law so i should be treated accordingly. i'm spilling a lot already. anyway, no more adsense. no more clicks. so don't ask.

i just came back from los banos. the internet connection there has gone bonkers. every internet hub i enter have poor access to blogger and most of my personal pages like in devart and ffnet. i'm beyond pissed. yeah, it's worse that having the termination of my first online business. so i have no choice but to leave the node and walk silently back to the dorm keeping in mind a hopeful thought that tomorrow will be a good day for the servers to function better so... i'll be back. hahaha.

onga pala. we watched pat (dorm-mate!) in game knb? awhile ago. hehe... she didn't win but i swear, she got most of the atras powers of the other players. hehehe. talagang pinilit ko manood! hahaha.

hmmm. aside from that nothing else happened! except that i just broke my new year resolution number 1 (quit nailbiting). hahaha. eh ang weirdo ko talaga eh.

surprise surprise. my parents are planning on buying us a new laptop. yay. i've been saving for it because i want my OWN... but since my parents are buying it i have to share it with my sister. hay. pwede na rin.

friday i'm in love

i'm posting this entry through mail. blogger is currently on downtime (maybe it's just me but the person beside me is also having the same problem) so i thought it better to just mail it for now.

okay.

this day has been terrible. i got a 37/100, a zero, a nerve-racking headache and a mild fever. details further below. but please take note that while the abovementioned series of unfortunate events should put me in utter depression and give me suicidal tendencies, i am proud to say that neither of them successfully penetrated my nerves. remember, i'm a very optimistic being... i've taught myself to filter things so that i'd somehow manage to save my sanity in this murderous university.

37/100. the reason why i'm not depressed over this is because it's already EXPECTED. yes. i know firsthand that i don't stand a chance to pass the first long test. i studied, but well... let me say this peanuts quote once again, 'just when i discovered life's answers, they changed the questions.' yeah.

zero. to tell you the truth (and boastness aside), this is the first time in my whole life that i got a zero on a quiz. yeah and the closest i got to it is a 1 which is just as pathetic but then the teacher back then was so kind she gave me a point for the effort and ink. this was also the quiz where i got everything wrong from the question, the answer and the paper.

nerve-racking headache. from the moment i woke up until after our chem16 lab (that's 1pm), my stomach was empty. and even if i ate during snack time it was easily consumed because of our experiments awhile ago which involved a lot of thinking and computations (so much for the labgown i so desperately borrowed). i'm such an airhead when it comes to naming compounds and acids,combining elements and their charges and the whole junk about memorizing the cation and anions from the periodic table. in short, bobo ako sa chem. the two previous terrible things are enough to prove it.

mild fever. mild lang. don't worry. i just don't feel fine after the chem16 lab that i almost want to collapse. maybe it's because of the rain. aw mehn.

yehey. but at least the 7-10pm lab scheduled for today was cancelled forever. haha. and look! it's friday tomorrow! i can't wait to go home!!

mehn. sometimes i wonder if need to scale down my optimism (or whatever it is that makes me happy despite the world crumbling down on my feet) so that i'll be alarmed enough to take action of my negligence.