walk on...[prom musings]

great... i'm figuring out on how to walk with my prom shoes without tripping over the STAIRS.

o.O

i did a mistake for choosing an almost 3inches high stilletto [crap..how was that spelled?]

i'm kinda walking it over so that i'd be used to the pain it gives while you walk through stairs, or even cobblestoned streets... if there is such a place here...and of course avoiding banana litters... haha.



-_-;; the shoes. the shoes. the shoes.. -.-;; i'ts really annoying how mom would insist on sticking a RUBBER mat-kind-of-thing on the soles so that i won't slip.

aww.. that's just SOOOO sweet... get me.



my gown.

my sister's gown.

the same gown she used in rembrant.

and now she's still going on the same spot for her senior's prom... how did that suck?

i asked her... she said she wouldn't be on the prom... if not for her partner in the dance program....

tss...-_-;



oooohhhkkaaaaayy?

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i still don't have a date.

and i'm not looking for one.

ha.ha.hA.ha.ha.



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SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

y'know, i'm not the only one who suffers that i-think-i-have-to-kill-myself thing whenever i get smacked by my dad or something...



here it goes...

jan. 6, 05

my dad just beat the crap out of me awhile ago. and duh! it hurts... but the weird thing is... when i ran upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom, my mind is craving for more PAIN. My arms as of the moment is not heavily bruised but it's numb and i can feel pain trailing throughout my whole body.

yet again. i'm craving for pain. in short, my conscience, which was supposed to be advicing me to clm down, is outdone by my thought of taking SUICIDE.



seriously. i have a huge psychological problem.



i'm thinking of ending my life. unfortunately there were no sharp objects within my reach and so i go for the lesser case of self mutilation (if that's how you would describe my grievous action). I grab a hairclip (yeah.. the one beauticians use to hold ur hair when styling) and held the metal part of it (it's not that sharp but it should pass for a motivational object for suicide) and scratched my right arm for like 20 times until the blood clotted and there was this 1 inch thick and 8 inches long red line of clotted blood.



i wonder why it didn't bleed... hmmm....

i took time to reflect after this really foolish attempt to actually hurt myself physically... i dried my tears and went out to continue my unfinished homework of drawing coconuts, hammocks and a sun (that looks like a burger) for our fliers when dad apporached for this humble and almost polite apology.



pero i'm not in the mood so i keep on ignoring him...and he gave up and left me..



yadda yadda... i hate mushy reconciliations...



----

after the desperate attempt to hurt myself.. i discovered na... uy.. mag poprom na pla.. gagaling pa kaya toh?



stupid.



pero ngayon.. we're fine na.. we went out pa nga eh.. o.O

onga pla... we had our prom talk awhile ago... oh well.. didn't enjoy it that much... kasi it's the talk for people with dates.. hehe.. and i'm datelesss..



i'm totally pissed off with the table-mates thing... i don't want to be with people whom i barely consider as my CLOSE friends.. and they're putting me with them.. darn. is this the consequence of not having a date or what? i'm put-in on random tables just to FILL in a buttless chair?



we bought my prom shoes kanina! ok.. not really MINE coz my sister has to wear it first kasi she's having her JS prom THIS friday and we just went to shop for her gown last SUNDAY?... how much early is that?

and look... i have to use her gown next yr.. (if ever may gradball) like i have to use her previous gown this prom...



crap.



and her gown is FREAKIN' RED!

how are you supposed to put mocha in blood?



seriously... while RED is my all time favorite color, i wouldn't want to wear a freakin bloodyyy vamp red in the gradball... even though it looks good on me... ahahaaaa...



----

let's go off topic.. i'm currently browsing for harry potter fics... i'm looking for this certain fic having draco as a vamp.. uh... whatever..

it reminds me of my fic writing seasons... like.. i actually tore my first naruto fic because of guilt... coz I got COMPLIMENTED FOR MAKING IT A REALLY GOOD CLIFFHANGER AND THE MATURE scenes are DEPICTED WELL.



that made me feel faithless.

i mean... that's one helluva nice review.. but y'know. i'm guilty of all those SCENES i wrote.. that's why i tore the paper in half and threw it..



and now... im NOT writing naughty scenes anymore! yipeee.. but my story really got me hanging... bitin nga sha noh...ahaahahaaa... the whole nude sketching and the dreams... uhh... nvm.



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it's quarter to ten... haven't changed my dress yet.. im still wearing the uniform

i remember something about ENVY...



i actually envy someone from class having her date as one of my all time crushes...-_-;; starting from the first time he appeared on mag.. i mean.. am i right? in the second edition of questor? with the monster rancher cover?



another thing...

i envy my sister for having really NICE feet! while mine has scratches and wounds and stuff...my sister's feet fits in all sorts of shoes (given the right size of course) and I am so conscious about my super tiny nails, my dark feet and the little scratches i got from playing...



and she too.. is envy of me? for one reason.. she wants to get slimmer..

hello? world to my sister? i'm not even slim.. or does she want the kind of figure that nothing else on your body expands when you eat aside from your stomach? oh... go figure.

basketball :)

i played nnman kanina...

pero this time... i'm using the real basketball.. not the volleyball... haha...

then.. while playing there was this little kid about 2yrs old... he was with his father and he's following me!...

o.O

haha... he wants the ball... ok so i gave him the ball...

haha.. ang kyut kyut nya... he tries to shoot the ball but of course.. he's too small to even reach 1/5 ft of the ring...haha... soo cute...



-----

hahaha...

now i know who that ira cruz is.. haha... ang pathetic ko.. hindi ko sha kilala...-_-;;

when people started taking pics of this HOT guitarist of bamboo... i started taking pictures too...tapos yun na yun.. sha na pla yun... haha...-_-

ni hindi ko nga alam na ex rivermamya front c bamboo eh...-_- at hindi ko rin alam na bamboo ang name nya..



OH WELL... -_-;;



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hahahahahahahaaa... i'm starting to like OPM...

-_-;; ah basta.. BARBIE pareeeennnN! \m/

sheet ang gwapo ni yael.. shempre.. ngayun ko lang na-notice...-_-;



after a few minutes of struggling out the of the crowd while sponge is playing... me and my sister ate then.. waited for our sundo... after a few minutes pa... sponge cola walked right in front of us...shoot soopper natulala ako ^^:;

haha...

ah wala.. ang cool lng na sabay sabay sila lumabas tapos may dalang guitars.. ahahahaaaa... COOL.



-_-;;

i'm imagining... mas maganda kung ang suot ni yael ay isang black leather trench coat.. para astig pag dumaan sa harap mo.. may rockstar ambiance .. unfortunately.. i don't think it'll suit him... um.. consider the height na lng.. haha



hahahaaaaa...

fair day #2 & 3

shampre boring pren sepecially mornings and afternoons...



day 2

SILVERED - tux concert plus hiphop hullabaloo finals...

- this time i can say na less boring sha... maybe because i'm busy... coz we (meaning our club) are going to perform for an intermission number... which turned out to be a major disaster...yeah yeah... aside from the fact that the violins, flute, organ and guitars are barely heard from afar, there was a BLACKOUT... maybe the others weren't affected that much.. but me? i needed electricity for voldy to function~_- i soo dread that day... pero on the other hand... the blackout was fun... and i was praising GOD for doing it!

while the whole gym was pitch black.. i was panicking behind my organ... pero not for long kasi duh... i noticed na no one will see mee... haha



after that.. we were given free dinner... tss.. dapat lang diba?



this is how i took the club for granted...

i was happy that i recieved a free access id to the concert but that's all.. that's everything i need...

ang sama ko diba.



DAY 3

boring paren... well except for the band aid...

i don't really care about the contestants... i'm more of BARBIE'S CRADLE!!! BARBIE'S CRADLE!

she's so pretty... and she rocks!

-_-;

ang galingggg... super naligo na ko na pawis na kakatalon kaka sigaw at kaka singit.. para makita for the 2nd time ang aking idol..



you won't understand how i feel if you've never been a BIG fan of someone. just like when i was in the 5566 mall tour.. yeah (i chose the mall tour over the soph's night! haha) seeing your idol in person.. and actually having an autograph of him makes you cry out with joy right?

right.



wahahahaaaaa... I LOVE YOU BARBIEEEEE!!!!

BARBIE ROCKSSSSS!!!! wuhooooooo!

o cge na nga gwapo na c yael... haha...

pero he's better up close...duh~_^

fair day #1

it's our school fair today...

and to sum all the activities up... boring.

yes.. it's boring for average highschoolers like me.... why?

dinophant. carousel. inflatabble.

exciting? not even close.



even the booths are for the graders' pleasure only.



i soo hate this day.

the only thing i did was...

sountripped- no comment

read - oh yeah.. i'm totally bored, where else would i want to get myself in aside from this geeky hobby?

eat - duh?

avoid batchmates - since we don't know who's in charge of the jail booth, and neither of us would want to get caught, we dodged every suspicious looking batch mate...^^

watch gurlaloo (chorale concert)- i don't really like the name...sorry. and honestly, i got bored. nonetheless, i had a good time admiring THIS person.



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speaking of the person i just started admiring (not crushing on) this s.y., i'm seeing her frequently. knowing myself, i'd rather stay back off than actually be friends with her. were not even casual aqcuaintances..hehe



she's cool. sociable. a bit quiet but has a lot of sense. talented. blah blah...

so what are these compliments for?

nothing. i don't know. -_-;



geez, i'm not a stalker. -_-;



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THE MASS...

-_-;;

i wonder why we should all get semi formal?

as if they're not wearing casual clothes when attending mass, ryt?

and what's with all this conservative-rules? as if there are guys loitering around during the mass.. and if ever.. would they care? would it give our school a bad reputation to have students who wear casual clothes during mass?

tss.. i'm starting to hate our system.

they're like training us to be nuns.

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boookkssss..

adri's right... teen novels seem very similar to each other... yeah.. i already noticed that while reading 'royally jacked'...

for once i thought meg cabot was unique... but while reading another teen novel like the above-mentioned... i got myself thinking that they're just the same... the way of righting and the whole having-a-prince-as-your-boyfriend plot is similar to all american girl's having-the-son-of-the-president-in-love-with-you plot too...

-_-;;



nevertheless, i'm still not giving up on this romance comedy books... my life is as boring as the lead characters there... and if ever, though highly impossible, i could even make a desperate attempt on making my life a bit fairy tale-y.

yesterday's should-be post

LAST FEBRUARY 2, 2005



another day i would consider like HELL...

PE... i am sooo disappointed because we never played softball...

we don't have a game yet, that is. and all i did is the warm up thingy...

which, in a way is tiring but not as tiring and FUN compared to playing softball...

i'm not a good player. actually not even average. i just like to play... anything. -_-;;



CLUB... in the very first place, bringing voldy to school more than twice a week

is already a burden to me. and what more if i bring him during the fair... and in

practices as well?

tsss... i think i'm regretting the whole evaluating-this-newly-made-club thing... it's risky...



PRACTICES... unlike other practices wherin you alone is the only requirement,

our practices include instruments which is not only heavy and so noticeable but

also troublesome... look how my passion for music turned from exciting to boring.

and look at how pathetic our performance is during practices. very very patethic..

i don't want to take it as a whole coz i know that some are doing fine and some

are doing just fine and some are not even trying.

where do i place myself?

i wish... i hadn't join the club...



but it's no turning back now.. .face it.

i'm ditched.



---

another thing... i feel awful with this ocassional twitching of

the region near my nose whenever i feel stage frighten...

yeah right.

wierd.

new layout...

simple.

yeah... i made it in a rush.. although you can't really say i rushed it with notepad...-_-;;



sooper bored na ko sa dating layout kasi the problem with the contractible headers thingy is that you wait for the whole page to be downloaded before you can access thru those links... i hate that.



haha...-_-;;

i feel wierd and ashamed.

without even trying, our club moderator is way obvious with her facial expressions... the way she frowns when sir tanny is pointing at us... the way she would be PLASTIC around my favor of her keeping the organ in the faculty.



i hate her.

i totally hate her.



kaya nga duh.. lilipat ako ng club nxt yr.

and to think.. her kaplastikan moved to further extent when, in front of our group and sir tanny, she said na 'di bale, next yr aayusin namin..'..blah..

NEXT YEAR?

is there still a next yr for us in this club?

i. don't. think. so.

e duh... would you still be opening the doors of bayanihan to us, classic players?

maybe if you'll see me carrying a guitar case. ~_-

which is.. uhm.. posible naman kaso, ayoko na.



tss...kung bawal na lumipat ang juniors ng club.. then.. poor me.

i'll have to stretch my fingers with those minors and sharps.



sooper guilty na tuloy ako.

what if.. sabog?

-_-;;



another thing.

cubmates... yeah... they might look innocent [about the whole isolation thing]... but i really feel distant to them.

THIS SCHOOL YEAR... I GAINED NO FRIENDS. but didn't lose one either.



remember. i'm an introvert.

sad to say.



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ang bad moooooodddd ko ngayooonn... she (club mod) said it's ok for me to leave the organ in the faculty.. pero after the i-dont-like-some-outsider-helping-us expression she made... i decided to bring voldy home then back again tomorrow.

pano kasi... sir tanny came with the most sincere intention of helping our club.

kaya nya ba yon?

could she handle us?

does she know about the difference b/w teamwork and discrimination?



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tsss... totally pissed off.

plus. i'm wondering on how to keep my nails unnoticed...sa prom and everywhere.

bulsht.