the punishment

i feel like dying of depression. ang sakit, ang sakit sa dibdib. one of the best things i've ever wanted for myself is to graduate with (the highest) honors. emphasis on "the highest". if i'm not on the top, parang err dibale na wag na lang. i won't get any bragging rights for only being 2nd or 3rd best. but oh well. tadhana nga naman. mukang hindi yata para sakin ang karangalang iyon. i'm not getting a laude. i want to cry. soooo bad. it feels like everything i've worked so hard for has been burnt to the bones. parang, teka lang. panira kasi UPLB. sobrang paniraaaa. then again, sinong sumira? k fine! ako na! grrrr napaka-stupid ko naman para i-assume na they wouldn't include my UPLB grades in my GWA (well that's what some prof told me kasi so ako naman tong si confirm!), para san nga naman ang credit evaluation diba.

maybe i need some time, space, coffee and a punching bag to get over this super emotional downturn. yung totoo, excited ako umakyat sa stage eh. sobra. kaso. hay. and alam nyo yun, sobrang ang daming nag-eexpect, pati ako ang laki ng expectations ko pero. ugh. wala eh. wala talaga eh. 

ngayon lang naman ako naging kampante eh. kasi isa na lang kelangan kong pagpaguran pero kahit na ibuhos ko pa 100% ko dito sa huling laban na to, talo na ko to begin with. i wish i had known earlier! whew. hay Lord. buti na lang bibigyan mo ko ng pera bukas.

and i'm not expecting anyone to fully understand how hard it is for me to accept this "failure". maliban na lang kung kasing ambisyosa ko kayo. hay blog. i need to learn how to be thankful for whatever i've achieved so far. i may not have reached my goal but i've left enough foot prints to prove how far i've gone.