grabe lang. this week has been alarmingly stressful. i try to act normal but at the end of the day, when nothing else is there to distract me, i’m back to dwelling in this shit. this shit i’ve caused… by heeding improper judgment, false assumptions and a bunch of supporters who believe i’m fighting the good cause. apparently, as i’ve realized, we were all clouded by our prejudices.
it already sucks that i’m now known as an immature, backstabbing, serial complainer who’s too afraid to be honest with her feelings, by none other than the dean, my previous boss, and eventually my future employer.
shit happens. and it’s high time for me to screw up. had i not decided to be ‘true’ to myself, this would’ve gone peacefully. but apparently, i practically blew all the hope that was there. i’ve realized that what the bible says about truth having the ability to set you free, is only applicable if you define truth in the context of the scripture. it’s not the type of truth that you deal with everyday, such as your feelings, cos it can be altered, and heck it could even be false. we were born fools. and that’s a truth.
my boss was right, but she still lied. i was wrong okaaaay. i took the entire yesterday crying my balls out. there was regret, a ton of guilt, self pity and a whole lot of disappointment in myself. how could i have done such a stupid act? and why are these people so uhm, supportive? >:| they didn’t know better. and so was i.
i’m afraid this ugly feeling in my chest, will remain for months. until i’ve proven even a bit of myself. i could’ve just resigned, but i wanted to make it up to my. uhm, i dunno. i wanna patch things up, by proving them wrong. specially the dean, who misunderstood me, and to those who think i’m the abovementioned type of employee, who’s better off unemployed.
i just don’t understand why there are still people who think i’ve done the right thing, right when i’ve just ruined my own reputation. i followed their advice, i became true to myself. and this is my fucking harvest.
whatever you sow, you must sow in the right ground, lest you harvest the wrong fruit, or not harvest anything at all.
i thank everyone who’s genuinely concerned with what i’m going through right now. i appreciate them, super. >:)
have a great weekend.