a few of my favorite things (in my room)

of course. >:) my pens! >:)

the random stuff i draw >:)

made last october 15, 2010 at school, after having breakfast w/ brian. this was at the back of the paper mat they put on the food trays at mcdonalds. argh. it's very inconvenient having to describe it that way. is there a general term for those paper mats??? ay bobo. paper mats. duh.

hey. that's a month before his birthday! and a month and a day before mine. >:) e wala lang.

♥

remember D???? my self-proclaimed Yeorim (Go Yung Ha)??????? i stalked him on facebook and saw that HE'S WEARING GLASSES in his default pic. can i faint for a while??? he's too cute. he's too... Yeorim. ♥_♥ argggghhhh weaknessss.

everytime i see him my heart flutters like crazyyyyy. >:D actually it's the smile eh. he always smiles. Yeorim always smiles. i don't know who i like better but at least D is real. yeah right. not that it makes any difference lol. he has a girlfriend tho. who cares? i don't.... wanna be his girlfriend anyway (or anyone else's for that matter. uhh for now. like 10-28-10 20:16:00) LOL

right now. my heart screams Yeorim! and ocassionally D, or G, or JE or MA. whoever's within sight. i am so unfaithful. WAHAHAHA who are they ba? they're just crushes!!! >:D i don't caaaare at all. yeah, and i'm so indifferent i put up an entire entry (even a Category) for these inspirationssss. WAHAHAHAHA

kinikilig ako. andame ko nanamang ballpen! >8D

nakahuhumaling ♥

wow pens! i saw something cheap! monami gel pens for 17 each! >:) they have 7 colors! FOR MY BIRTHDAY PLEASE???? 119 lang shet. @_@

ETA: BOUGHT!!! oh gawd, i'm so impulsive. around two hours ago i was drafting this entry. then i couldn't hold the temptation anymore so i left the pc, commuted to SMF and bought the glorious pensss, plus you know, coffee crumble ice cream. LOL i kept on telling you it's just 1 pint, but 800mL isn't 1 pint. it's 1.70!!! argh. but eating 1.7 pint sounds better than imaging 800 mL. that's almost a liter of ice cream. man. i can just die of guilt. oh my. and diabetes.

Lord, sorry. @_@

yeah right

this week is strangeley unalarming, considering it's midterms week. midterm exams don't really alarm me. sorry. i'm waiting for this day to end so i could go home and stream SS like crazy. i'm on episode 15! and there are only like 5 episodes left. 3 of which are in the subbing process. i can't wait. and by the way, i just switched to smart bro cos it's faster and cheaper. compared to globe that is. i haven't tried sun broadbad yet . hehehe

i don't have a majorcrush still but i have a lot of crushes at school!
let's list em! >:) HAHAHA

there's D who has the most cheerful smile in the world. everytime he smiles, he makes my day. ♥ ♥
there's G who i see hanging out with D most of the time. i dunno, been crushing on him since last last trimester but oh well, we're never really acquainted. same with D hahaha
there's JE. i don't know what to call him, he reminds me of my bestfried. lol maybe it's because of the height.
the there's MA. no idea what to call him either, not that there's a reason to hahahaha. he hangs out a lot with JE last tri.

so you see, i like 4 people right now. and i know none of them. i wouldn't put in much effort on em since they're just mino rcrushes. i'll prolly just swoon at em from afar. haha

oh gawd. looking at them, they could become my personal, eherm, Jalgeum Quartet! fanaticism brought to you by Sugkyunkwan Scandal. ayos. here are their roles.

D would be Yeorim/Go Yoong Ha. it's the killer smile man. >:)
G would be Garang/Lee Soon Jeon. he's a smartass, cold-hearted heartthrob after all.
MA would be Daemul/Kim Yoon Shik since he's the most "effeminate" of them. also the shortest i guess.
and of course JE would be Geol Oh/Moon Jae Shin because, err, because he's the only one left without a role. LOL

WAHAHAHAHA kinikilig ako just by thinking of it.
i don't think i could focus well on my exam this day.
45 minutes to go.

♥ ♥ ♥

don't read

bwiset ka. it's not funny. hope you'll quit doing this. >:(


i'm sorry. it's me. the problem is with me. i shouldn't have "investigated" further. the truth doesn't always equate to freedom. and freedom isn't always good. what a burden, this knowledge i have of you. i wish i hadn't known. fuuuuck. and i couldn't bring to hate you that easily cos there's really no reason to. eventually, all the blame will come down to me and my premature assumptions. they say i'm too dense, but it's really just a cover cos i couldn't handle the truth well enough to be called mature. such a tricky tricky life. this aspect of my brain is no doubt the most underdeveloped. 


i want, uhm, ice cream. >:(

asdsfmasf

this is extreme. when the connection is bad, it's really bad like 0.00 kbps. but when it's good, it's good like 1mbps. why can't i have a consistently good connection foreverrr??? 

folks, i'm on episode 9!!! i'm also quite aware that i sortof promised to just wait for the dvd to come out but, well, what am i to do when the connection is good?

yesterday after school, i followed my friends to trinoma to have dinner. it sucks being the only one who hasn't graduated yet. it also kinda sucks that we ate in a non student-friendly restaurant. LOL. anyway i missed all of them but errr, that pork pepper rice was expensive. T__T; hehehe

my friends are all fairing good. looking at them, i get really frustrated at my state. i'm still two years away from that elusive diploma. the truth is, i hate telling stories. when they ask me about my life i hate going through all the details. paulit ulit na lang e. wala lang, parang, can i just send you a link to my blog? HAHAHA or can i just talk about the koreans i'm flailing about? ayoko pagusapan ang past. not that it's bad, but it adds up to the remorse. ok then, it's bad. wala kasi akong ibang naririnig kundi SAYANG eh. nakakainis lang how these people never fail to make me feel like i did the wrong thing. i'm talking about people, in general.

seriously. you might call me ungrateful but i'm not too proud of where i am right now. >:(

gusto ko lang grumaduate, magtrabaho at kumita ng pera. 

Sungkyunkwan Scandal

 you own me right now. ♥ ah, that's just a picture lol.

he who must not be taken for granted

watching too much drama has led me to quite a passable observation of the so called 'other guy'. the lead male supporting character. the rebound guy. the one whose feelings are left unacknowledged for the rest of the series. the ever so faithful conveyor of all things unsolicited. how could you have not gathered enough pity to console this worrisome character? when all he ever did was be there when the lead guy was not? not to mention his presence wasn't expected, and WANTED to begin with.


this hurts me. i've watched several, if not tons, of dramas picturing woeful characters like this. i always express my compassion but in reality, i'm probably one those who thinks he shouldn't have done the things he did, right when it's evident that's it's not getting him anywhere inside the damsel's heart.

putting myself in his shoes, perhaps i'm too prideful to consider doing the things typical rebound guys do. if there's no chance, i'll leave. otherwise, i'll continue hanging on to that hope of having my feelings acknowledged and reciprocated one day. note that 'other guys' have an outstanding level of sensitivity that marks him as rather too assuming, or too paranoid, or just plain crazy. it's a necessary skill in order to distinguish whether his damsel has been dropping off hints saying you've got a chance, keep impressing me.

next. the damsel's shoes. if i were to walk in her shoes, with so-called 'other guy' tailing around me, i would feel extremely awkward, specially if i have already made it clear that i don't particularly need his concern. of course, his efforts are worth a recognition, after all, he's the one who's never absent when i called, he's probably "The One" --- the one i'm not looking for, and he's the one who claims to understand me better than the one i'm expecting to, which is sweet and creepy at the same time. imagine the possibility of a stalker with psychiatric tendencies. his diagnoses your every move and claims to know what you think, based on the Freudian theories. he just loves you, that's all.

fret not "the one", cos karma has it's way of making the world less unfair for you. the one you're following with all your faith, the one who constantly rejects your effort, begs you to quit and stop making things complicated, is also like you. a rebound. only, for some other guy, whom you would love to avada kedavra out of this world. but that doesn't solve anything either, for chances are the damsel you're wooing all your life, would rather follow the avada-ed one off to the netherworlds. hehe

i dunno, i'm writing this early cos i don't have anything better to do. i'm waiting for SS to stream WAHAHAHA actual reason why i'm up this early lol.

ok. as an end-note, and also in my honest opinion, as much as i feel sympathetic to these "other guys", i'd rather have them look for another. and for those damsels who enjoy being tailed around, come on, how heartless could you be? let them go. WAHAHAHA

SONG JOOOOONG KIIIII!!! ♥♥♥

>:)

SUNGKYUNKWAN SCANDAL! it's taking up my entire head! @_@ this is pretty much the type of insanity i wouldn't mind "suffering" from. i put off Chuck season 3 because of this. WAHAHAHA why? because SS has the romance factor that's lacking in Chuck, reason why there's no thinking twice on which goes first. but seriously though, even without the romance thingy, Chuck will always be on my top list of favorite series. why? because it's fun to watch again and again. romance series tend to go bland the 2nd time you watch it. intelligent series won't. >:) and come on, i may go swooning over Tae Kyung because of looks but i'll stop digging him if his IQ goes below average. HOWEVER, the characters in SS are all smart to begin with, soooooo. i forgot what my point is. i love chuck. but SONG JOONG KI is the cutest scholar everrr. kinikilig ako WAAAAHHH

btw, a day ago i saw a super cute highschool student coming out from school. gender is unidentified as my classmate and i are still debating on it. he's too cute for a guy, and too flat-chested for girl. this leaves me to worry about my own sexuality. LOL. if she is a girl then that makes me weird. anyway, i don't care. it's not like i like pretty girls. i like handsome girls. i like kaye from Ezra band. and Shane McCrutechon from L Word. and yeah, the gender-unidentified highschool stud who has eyes like Tae Kyung. hihihihi ♥ ♥ ♥

back to the scandal. >:)

while the ice cream melts

allow me to be emo this time by dwelling on the one person i still love, and will continue to, unless i hear God telling me to stop and look somewhere else. he doesn't know it, but i hope it shows. to me, he is the exception from my everyday routine, the distraction to my monotonous living, and even though he doesn't have a clue (uhh but i guess he does) how much he affects me, i'm willing to love him silently for err, practical reasons, or for reasons only the brain could surmise.

even i don't understand myself. i always make time for him, and i never put up excuses. that's how much i long to be in his company. it doesn't happen a lot these days so every chance is an opportunity to see him. just that. just one call and i'll go rushing over to his side. it doesn't matter if i'm the second one he called, i'm still the only one who came. for now i'm not vying to be on the first spot, i'm fine not being the first long as i remain a spot. LOL

love, really. beats me why.
but you know, studies always comes first.

i just bought ice cream and i'm waiting for it to melt. >:)
i'm also rerunning chuck season 2, while playing my chances on globe broadband... if i get a good speed i might try streaming SS. LOOOOOL i'm kinda not giving up.

oh the mascot. sige, maya maya hanap muna inspirasyon lolz.

i surrender

i was wrong. sungkyunkwan scandal is still airing on korea. so there's really no chance of getting dvds right now. the only way i could watch it to satisfy my hormones is to stream it online, in which case i need to invest on ultrafast internet connection that apparently, globe tattoo broadband couldn't give me. >:( so globe, goodbye. 

let's estimate:

so far, right now, they're at episode 16. 4 more chapters and it's gonna end. 4 days at most, 2 weeks depending on the producing korean network. a week after, the english subs should be out and completely uploaded online. another week and the pirates are gonna have it. another week and they should be able to burn these into cds. another week and they'll have it distributed to st. francis square ortigas, or more conveniently, commonwealth market. that's one month and a week, if my schedule is followed. 

so to make sure that it's really out and available in the philippines, i need to wait a maximum of 2 MONTHS. just in time for christmas. and since i couldn't afford to stream it with a mega fucked up network that's sucking up all my money, i decided to just surrender to what seems to be God's will, which is also the most practical and virtuous thing to do. God says WAIT. fine. >:)

see you on christmas kim yoon shik. this is sad, but it's better than assuming that God doesn't want me to watch you EVER.

so how did i come up with this LOL realization? 

you see, out of my dying desperation to watch the thing, i went to netopia to stream! i was planning on downloading the streamed stuff onto my usb so i could watch it at home. the dl speed was fast, but at some point, it lagged, and i couldn't find the right software to use for wat.tv (why did it have to be this complicated grr). i spent an hour and 2 minutes searching for a compatible software but nadda. >:| so i gave up and logged out, and they charged me almost 50 pesos for that. and i thought they charge 25/hr. fuckyeahmoneysucker. so there, i thought God didn't want me to watch it now. 

then i came down to the supermarket to buy something and thought, it's too bad that i wasn't able to watch SS, so i should treat myself to ice breaker!!! >:D >:D >:D >:D but when i came there, the stall was tindera-less. i cried (mentally), Lord - pati ba naman ice breaker??? i thought about waiting for the tindera to come but in the end, i surrendered again and just went home. 

i was on the ailse to the tryke terminal when i suddenly recalled that my parents were heading to FCM right now, i turned back to search the parking lot and OUR CAR WAS THERE!!! yehey! i walked back to rustan's and saw my mom, assisted her and blah blah blah. when i came out, the tindera was already there and she's the tindera who gives more milk servings!!!

so in the end, i had ice breaker with extra milk and rice crispies. 

oh yes, when God says wait, just do it. it's for the better. 

>:)

Preaching the unpracticed

"We have, in fact, two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice, and another which we practice but seldom preach."
- Bertrand Russell

One cannot talk about uprightness without digging close to the lawn of morality, honesty, integrity, proper judgment and all critically discussed virtues. After all, they’re neighbors and serve as fine gauges of whether we are actually being upright or otherwise. Morality has everything to do with our ability to discern what's right and wrong, and from consistently doing what is right, we grow to be upright. From being honest, simple and straightforward, we are veering from hypocrisy and deceit. From adhering to the socially accepted moral standards, we are regarded as good citizens.

Apparently, choosing between the good and bad and the right and wrong have varying levels of difficulty, and we can all attest to that. How hard is it to choose between littering and not? And yet, what do we do? How hard is it to decide on leaving a partner who beats us every time he gets the chance to? And yet, out of love and an unconditional sense of forgiveness that defies all standards of rational thinking, what do we do? If being upright is doing the right thing unwaveringly, then why do the consequences weigh so heavily, like we are never to get anything right, the easy way?

Much has been said about the value of being upright and the honor that goes along with being righteous, but no clear line has been set on how to achieve it, much like with every other virtue, it is relative, and subject to every social phenomenon. Its concept is inculcated variably in different cultures and constructs and there is no legal basis to judge it. Perhaps being upright requires a certain level of discipline of consistently doing that which we consider right, and it varies. Every person has his own concept of right and wrong. Every person is governed by different sets of rules, each for the different roles he plays each day. If being upright is measured by a person’s level of adherence to the rules set before him, say, in a workplace, then you have got a scale for a diligent employee. Similarly, in the campus, we are bound to a set of rules that defines our overall student conduct. We get merits for getting good grades, for paying the tuition fee on time, and for not doing anything that will endanger a clean record.

Luckily, we do not need to bother guessing what’s right and wrong if we’re in a closed group or organization (i.e. office, school, etc.). Everything has already been laid out in the form of by-laws. All we need to do is obey them in a strict manner and we are good to go. On the other hand, life outside the campus and the workplace isn’t governed by these objective rules. Life is much harder than having to pick the right colored trash bin to throw your non-biodegradable waste to. The way you live your life to uprightness relies solely on your beliefs, your perception of good and bad and the level of integrity you put into it.

Organizations train us into becoming morally perceptive individuals, by stating rules which are socially credited, they help our depository of right morals grow. Hopefully this should help us discern better but ultimately, it’s a great stepping stone in attaining the upright life state. FEU is one such example of a system advocating this challenging virtue. If fortitude is the courage of consistently gathering ourselves up after consecutively being tripped over by adversities, and excellence is a consequence of putting quality and diligence at first, then uprightness is what holds our moral sense altogether, an integral virtue in every decision you consider in life. Uprightness, being the U in FEU’s core virtues must be held up with high regard.



As students, being upright could simply mean being honest in everything we do. Conventional knowledge says to not cheat, to throw our trash at the right bins, to observe silence in classes, to respect the professors, etc. There is nothing to be argued about these things because we were brought up to believe that they are part of our common sense and doing otherwise will give us demerits. There is no moral evaluation needed because the stated clauses are fully accepted and preferred behaviors, yet the option to do otherwise still remains. While we all know that every rule the school administration imposes is intended for the welfare of each student, not everyone could understand that every rule demands a certain degree of discipline. The right thing doesn’t always come in a cheap package. Doing the right thing is not always the most practical thing to do, but if we put effort into, we sow the seeds of uprightness on the way to success.

Throwing at the right places could prove to be such a pain in the neck especially if we’ve walked a hundred yards past the nearest trash can. A piece of candy wrapper couldn’t be of major harm to an already littered street, so what damage could it bring to us and your conscience, right when we know the community cleaners will sweep it away any time of the day? There’s not much to consider, just a single piece of non-biodegradable junk to be dropped on the concrete sidewalk, and to be swept clean in no time. Why bother walking all the way back, when we can just throw it and be over with it, just like how everybody else does?

Every little thing matters, what mindset we put in such a trivial thing will reflect on how we handle the bigger, more intricate problems in life. If we can’t even make a single harmless sacrifice and start being concerned with doing the right thing, then it’s a flat road we’re trekking now. We were taught about this at school, practical application is as easy as it seems, yet pragmatic reasoning often blinds us from seeing the light of doing the right thing.

Cheating as a moral dilemma has been widely discussed in forums all over. It’s easy to avoid it if we studied, but if we didn’t and it’s the only thing that could save our education, and ultimately our future, what is there to lose? They say it is better to cheat than to repeat, and I’ve seen myself agree to that a hundred times in the span of my being a student. It could be safely assumed that no one gets a degree without ever having to cheat even a single item from a petty homework. Add the fact that everyone’s doing it makes it even guilt-free.

This is but a test of how strong our resolve is with adhering to that which we know is right. One can never be perfectly upright, but just the mere effort in attempting to be one is indicative of a heart that is willing to be kindled with a flame that brews righteousness and deposits uprightness.

FEU wants us to grow into properly nurtured and holistic individuals with exemplary discerning skills. Knowing what’s right from wrong, good from evil, and being able to weigh it in an upright manner is the key to every sound decision. We were born with the power to recognize two opposite entities as they are being defined. We were brought up with the fundamental knowledge of good and evil, of right and wrong, and were indoctrinated to pursue only that which is good or right, and eliminate from thought anything that is evil or wrong.

Proper moral discernment is what defines us and our way of living. Uprightness is but the consequence of correct moral judgment and a steadfast faith on our beliefs. This is how we should grow. What small efforts we put into being students of honesty and integrity must be stretched to a wider angle and must reach outside the bounds of the walled city we call school. How plausible is this, to try to live an upright life amidst reality’s chaotic nature? How could we possibly choose the genuine option when we are presented with all the wrong things, disguised as the right ones? Deceit is everywhere, and politics has become a moral consideration. This is where we should apply discernment in an objective manner, and be upright and staunch with it.

Mahatma Gandhi said that we should be the change we want to see in the world. If we want to change the world, a massive collective effort must be exerted in which everyone works on changing themselves for the better. Everything starts from within, then it stretches out to our families, our friends, the community and eventually, the network of change affects an entire nation. If we do at least one right thing at a time, then eventually we could turn the world into the ‘right’ place; a place where everyone works in harmony and peace, where everyone knows the thick line separating good from evil, a place where everyone has a tight grip on morality, honesty and integrity.

The concept of uprightness and how to get there has always been there, and even in the past, much has been said about its nature. Our role as students and citizens as one is to ensure that we use God’s gift of discernment in a progressive way, in a way that will mold us into wise and morally upright citizens, in a way that will reach out to our nation’s pleas of help even in the littlest ways. There’s no better way to do this than to act. Now.

Bertrand Russell was right stating that there are two sides to morality, one which we preach but hardly practice and one which we practice but seldom preach. By writing this, I have come to value honesty more than ever and so I cannot be called a hypocrite by telling you that I have just preached what I hardly practice, thus the title.

the petty things that make my heart lurch

// there's a big big sale at sm megamall this weekend. >:)

it was a blessing that we haven't received our salaries yet, or else i'll be going home with a new bag. >:) actually i did, but it's not for me. i bought it for terai who looked like she needed it more. yey, i was being generous. after all, what do i need a new bag for? but you know what, the feeling of rummaging the jiovanni section for cool colors was ecstatic!! i felt (yet again) like rebecca bloomwood fighting off her shopaholic urges. i didn't have enough cash with me but i have my debit card *wink*. then i saw this big blue envelope shoulder/body bag and thought that it's the perfect contrast for my plain white shirt and sequined jeans. i'm hardly a fashionable person. i'm not even a clothes person, i like bags, wallets and jackets more hehehehe

i was feeling the bag for like 15 minutes (that's long you know), thinking that if i buy this, i have to loan 700 from my savings. and 700 for me is big. then the saleslady went to me to check the tag, apparently SOMEONE ELSE WAS EYEING MY BAG. i panicked, oh nooo. if i put this down even for a second, the fat mom beside me will surely snatch it and take it straight to the counter. if i buy it now i'm gonna be happy and victorious over a bunch of envy shoppers. then again, i kept on asking myself if i really need this, NOW. the obvious answer is no but i found myself repeating the question a hundred times.

after 15 minutes of trying out the bag, i surrendered the thing. i've finally acknowledged the fact that i don't need it so i put it back. in 3 days it'll back to 1400 and i wouldn't have the slightest inkling of purchasing it. i felt sad. you know the feeling of not getting what you want when it's only there for a limited amount of time? it's God's way of saying NO. but you see, i saw my sister trying out this purple bag and thought that, if it's too bad that i'm buying something for myself, then i'd buy for my sister instead. and so i did. maaaan was it fulfilling. i insisted on buying it for her, even though she too has been repeating the mantra "do i need this?" over and over in her head and is close to enlightenment (which is no). i told her it's a gift! >:) i was being strangely generous, i couldn't explain why. maybe because i channeled my frustration of buying the blue bag into a charitable medium. either way, i was happy i bought it. and more so, that's it's 50% off. >:)

the real reason why i came to ortigas is to buy a dvd of Sungkyunkwan Scandal at st. francis, unfortunately, no one has it yet because it's a relatively new series. the dvds are probably still in the burning process. God speed to these burners, i need a copy asap. and may the optical media board overlook their warehouse on one of their raids. Lord, please let it be available next week. please. or just give me at least 1mbps so i could watch it online. >:(

// this morning, i ate breakfast with brian at mcdonald's. i sorely miss hanging out with my bestfriend. >:( the pancakes were good, specially the hot choco, but nothing beats the company of one of the people i missed so much. >:(

// btw, jm and i scored and unexpected 99% at lovecalculator.com

// thank you Lord for keeping my scores at school pretty good. >:)

with this, i shall sleep. it just rained so the broadband signal is probably fucked up from all the atmospheric charges the sky gave off earlier. i couldn't stream k-dramas with this speed.

for now, fuck you Globe.

lethal habits

a list of habits that, i know, will eventually lead to my natural death. unless of course i die of an accident, or murder, or something cooler and nobler (for me)... like alien abduction, time travel, or a laboratory mishap.


1. night/midnight showers --- spare me the research, i've never heard anything good about this. and why do i do this? so i don't have to take a full bath in the morning. it takes a lot of time drying up my hair, and if i do this at school, it's gonna dry up bad, like tikwas tikwas all over. i want it dry in the morning so i could iron it straight. hehehe once i get my long hair back, i'll quit this fucking habit.

2. dairy queen (or sweets, in general) --- i never get satisfied walking out of a mall without having DQ (if there's one). most of the time i get sick because of this but i never learn. my dad is diabetic, and so are most of my relatives on his side, which means there's more than 50% chance i'll get it too. >:( it's so hard to give up on this one.

3. street food --- i eat too much of these whenever i get the chance. personal favorites, isaw and chicken balls. but it really depends on the sauce. chances are, i'll get hepa because of this. ayaw. @_@

4. cold drinks --- is generally bad for the health because it hardly aids in digestion. which is why my mom banned the pitcher from the ref. the only source of cold water here is the dispenser, BUT my mom also forbid us to turn it on, unless there are guests. my mom is the law. but it's cool cos i drink more water when it's not cold.

5. lack of water --- for the record, i only drink an average of 1 plastic gatorade bottle of water. i try to drink more but a glass full in one shot makes me wanna throw up. i do need all the hydration i could get to avoid looking a generation older but the problem is, as much as i want to drink water, i only trust the water at home.  ;_; i wish i could bring a jug but that's too highschool. conformity sucks.

6. nailbiting --- ah yes.

-----------------------

school: fine. :)

work? fine, but i still feel uneasy about the lightness of my job description. and i'm too shy to approach my boss and ask if she has anything she wants me to do. >:( haaaaaaaayyyy. where's my initiative? huhu

i am so majorcrushless, but i have crushes of course. i figured that, one of the factors why my crushing intensifies is the presence of people who know about it. and because right now, no one knows about my current crush, i guess the feeling will remain low. hahahahahahahahahaha clue, accounting >:)

i take back everything i said about wanting to have just 2 friends. I NEED A LOT PALA.

>:)

this was supposed to be my entry last night had i not overused my bandwidth (if that's how you call it) and got disconnected by Globe.
-----------------------
for almost two hours now i'm getting a consistently incredulous downspeed of 1mbps from globe tattoo broadband. as far as broadband is concerned, this is the longest time it stuck to such a reading. and so, i decided to stream like a madman, i tried rewatching gravitation (anime) but got bored on the first episode. and this was my favorite yaoi anime for what, 5 years? not to mention the last time i watched it was also 5 years ago, which meant that i'm somewhere between 14 and 15, and has the most superficial concept of romance. i get ridiculously twitterpatted just seeing two characters kiss! and now, uhm, i was surprised i found the first episode quite awkward.

this is pretty much a sign of ageing. LOL my standards probably grew, hmm, 5 years older. which isn't to say that my preference is in tune with my age right now. hohoho

which is why, i just looked for something korean to watch, they may be shallow but the hilarity of the production makes up a lot for the evident lack in, well, plot. oh sorry, i was generalizing. romance comedies need to be, first hand, romantic and at the same time, funny. HAHA i'm so making sense here. great.

wow. i had lunch with JM. no, i called him over cos he was eating alone. we were 4 in the table. HAHA

i can't believe claire and i share the exact same taste in men. we were like spotting while i'm on duty, pointing random guys we have a crush on. we vibe so much. we have 4 common crushes. aaaah, ok, it's too early to say we have the same tastes, after all, i can find 10 women who have crushes on these men as well. HAHA

wait. i subscribed for 5 days unlimited internet and just now globe cut it off because my account has used 1GIG already, that's what the Globe Fair Use Policy says. WOW. who are they to say i'm being unfair with the way i consume my internet? what do you expect me to do with 1 mbps? browse facebook? Globe has been consistently giving me 0.00 kbps the past few days and i didn't sue them, and now that they gave me 1mbps, it only seemed appropriate that i take advantage of this speed. BUT they're cutting me off from streaming too much. they say my connection will be back tomorrow, i hope that meant 12mn.

i need a postpaid plan, using a private line.
let's try sun broadband. >:|

fuck.
Globe, you fail so much.
------------------------------

and now, my connection is back and it's pretty much picking up speed again. haaay, i thought i could just stream forever but looks like i still need a TV. and lots of DVDs

neurocize!

i thought it was some kind of a joke, that the pages of the book i was reading suddenly went off series. it was 124, then 117, 126, 127, 121, 124, 141, 134, 135, 144. it went on for the next 20 pages, with me finding 3 leaves missing. i did my best to look for them but they're nonexistent. beats me why the title of the book is Tw7sted (by Jessica Zafra), and the subject where the pages started going berserk has something to do with exercising your brain. she was discussing ways on how to sharpen your mind and make a buff out of your neurons. for sure, it's the universe. the thing hates me still. it sort of became a bad omen too, i was fumbling through the pages wednesday morning at the hospital; afternoon came and i was the most distressed person in the world. uhm, connection? i dunnno, i'm making things up. 

the karma cycle. you're up then you're down. you don't know where it starts, you don't know where it ends. all you know is that it's how the universe balances things, like it can't get any heavier. it's probably a cosine graph, good at the origin. it shows an eternal wave of constant amplitude, reminding us that there is always a limit to everything. when you've reached your peak, you slide down, when you're at the pit, you start trekking up. 

i'm not sure if i'm at the pit but i know i'm somewhere down. and if this is not the bottom of the slide yet, God knows how much i'm going to loathe my life (even with the conspiratorial universe who promises to carry me up soon). WHAT IF, this is the best that can happen? after all, a cosine graph can exist below the x axis and still have highs and lows. FML. anyway. i'm just saying.

Lord. i'm waiting for something good to happen. enough on the food, i've wasted so much trying to calm my nerves with ice cream, but end up feeling otherwise because it's coffee flavored. not only have i triggered the bedlam in my nervous system, but i've also managed to assure myself of not less than 30% weight gain in the coming weeks. it's just good on the tongue. nowhere else. >:(

Dear Lord, i asked for him. where is he? what, am i blind or is he still lost? i'd rather take it he's lost. amen.

weakling

life's been pissing on me, real hard.

the operator says my call and text card number is invalid. i tried reloading n times and it says, the card has already been used. i tried reloading n^x times and it says, i've reached the maximum number of reload attempts and should try again in 4 hours, blah minutes. yes, i get it, the universe is not on my side. pun intended, the globe is not on my side. for now.

which led me to assume that i bought a counterfeit prepaid card, in which case i just lost three hundred fucking bucks. how do i complain this one? fine, i'm such a complainer. fuuuuuck. 4 hours and blah minutes left. i can't wait to read manga, and stream the remaining episodes of chuck season 2, plus bleach.

by the way, things are probably getting better but i still feel the same. hahaha. too much stresssss. and i'm not getting thinner, in fact, i just bought a half gallon of ice cream a few hours back. coffee crumble again! it's my 3rd this week. so help me God. >:(



i wonder why he's too concerned about me these days. maybe he wants to make it up to the amount of effort (and cash) i put on his play last term. maybe he needs me again for their upcoming project. maybe he's genuinely concerned. maybe he's just a generally nice person. OR MOST PROBABLY, out of all who feel the same for me, HIS concern is what matters most. e crush eh! sorry! sya talaga mapapansin ko. but seriously, he's always there. whenever we meet he asks me what's up, and because i know he knows what i'm going through, i always end up spilling. he was the first person who talked to me after i walked out of the lib last wednesday, one word and i'll burst into tears (that's how bad i was feeling that day). he asked me what happened, and i just cried walking. he was on the way down but he followed me up, told me to sit on the bench, take my backpack off, and calm down. he was there, ready to listen. and all i was able to say was that it's all my fault (fuck you self-pity. fuck you guilt. fuck you very very much), then i can't stop crying na. nakakainis. then i noticed he's on duty so i just sent him away, skipped class, and walked home dispiritedly, holding back the tears. i was alone and i couldn't afford to look like i had a bad case of sore eyes. err...


nothing special, really. i mean, if it was another person who was less busy, i would've cried my balls out on him/her the same i should've done if he were free. but there was no one else. shempre masaya ko sya nakakita sakin duuuuuhh crush ko yun e (dati) hohoho. tsk. masyadong mabait at supportive. he too nice lately, he wants to make sure i'm already okay, kung nakatransfer na, kung nakausap na si mam samson, blaaaaahhhh. thank you.


nakakahiya namang nakita nya kong umiyak. shit. shempre wa poise. ampanget ko pa non for sure. darn you weakness daaaaaarrrnnn youuuuuuu. i've never been this helpless before.

adqeqsdzaad

grabe lang. this week has been alarmingly stressful. i try to act normal but at the end of the day, when nothing else is there to distract me, i'm back to dwelling in this shit. this shit i've caused... by heeding improper judgment, false assumptions and a bunch of supporters who believe i'm fighting the good cause. apparently, as i've realized, we were all clouded by our prejudices.


it already sucks that i'm now known as an immature, backstabbing, serial complainer who's too afraid to be honest with her feelings, by none other than the dean, my previous boss, and eventually my future employer.

shit happens. and it's high time for me to screw up. had i not decided to be 'true' to myself, this would've gone peacefully. but apparently, i practically blew all the hope that was there. i've realized that what the bible says about truth having the ability to set you free, is only applicable if you define truth in the context of the scripture. it's not the type of truth that you deal with everyday, such as your feelings, cos it can be altered, and heck it could even be false. we were born fools. and that's a truth.

my boss was right, but she still lied. i was wrong okaaaay. i took the entire yesterday crying my balls out. there was regret, a ton of guilt, self pity and a whole lot of disappointment in myself. how could i have done such a stupid act? and why are these people so uhm, supportive? >:| they didn't know better. and so was i.

i'm afraid this ugly feeling in my chest, will remain for months. until i've proven even a bit of myself. i could've just resigned, but i wanted to make it up to my. uhm, i dunno. i wanna patch things up, by proving them wrong. specially the dean, who misunderstood me, and to those who think i'm the abovementioned type of employee, who's better off unemployed.

i just don't understand why there are still people who think i've done the right thing, right when i've just ruined my own reputation. i followed their advice, i became true to myself. and this is my fucking harvest.

whatever you sow, you must sow in the right ground, lest you harvest the wrong fruit, or not harvest anything at all.

i thank everyone who's genuinely concerned with what i'm going through right now. i appreciate them, super. >:)
have a great weekend.

you cheer me up

because i'm having such a hard time figuring out what to do with my problems, terai bought me these to cheer me up! a set of stabilo markers (my, err...7th set of colored pens haha), a red akatsuki cloud cellphone chain from comic alley, and a pint of selecta coffee crumble ice cream (my 2nd pint this week OTL).

aww. i've been extremely paranoid lately. i can't stop acting like a cow. it was mistake i listened to THESE adults. i trusted their instincts so much because for one, they're in the right position to tell me what to do, and also... they seem to be old enough to know what to advise me to do. i wish i had listened to my parents instead. 


anyway. what's done is done. i need all the courage to talk to my boss tomorrow. this has grown into such a troublesome gossip i don't know what to do anymore. actually, i do, but i have no idea if it's right. i'm just banking on the possibility that's it's gonna work. but first i need to fix this issue with my boss. 


Lord, help me. 

A POEM FOR YAN

Y.A.N.

(You Are Nuts)

Never lame

Always game

Has dark skin

But always keen

Has short hair

But always dare

Has short height

But always fight

Has J and M

And Yan is the name

by: Bon Lemuel Dela Cruz

haaay ayoko na

but why can't i quit right now? pera pera lang yan e. i can't quit because my savings are down and i'm out of revolving funds. it sucks because i never really thought of saving because i was so secured with my job. i didn't expect it will come to this. with me dreading every single day i spend at the library. it's hell to the core.

i wouldn't know what to say if she suddenly asked me if i'm transferring. sure i wanted to, but i wanted to make sure i can really make the transfer before i answer. and right now, things are bleak. what if she asks me? what will i tell her? if i tell her yes, and failed to transfer, everything would be awkward from then on. if i tell her i'm not doing anything of the sort, then go about asking her permission to, i'm doomed.

aaaaah, onga naman no? EITHER WAY I'M DOOMED. so to hell with it. i'm telling her i'm transferring. in case it doesn't happen, i'm resigning. 

e kasi naman i feel useless not earning money. epal. entangled by the strings of worldliness. plus it doesn't help that i feel like crap everyday because of work. parang wala na kong nagawang tama lately eh.

it's my fault news reached her. i wasn't too cautious either. tsk

on wired and wireless internet connection

testing the strength of smart bro and globe tattoo here in my room. apparently, this place is not good for broadband internet connections. i don't know if it's because we have 4 levels altogether or the walls here are too thick the signals can't pass through (huh?). it's really the house e. smart is pretty strong here in terms of cellphone signal but the broadband is damn weak i couldn't even load speedtest.net

on the other hand, globe is such a pain when i'm inside the house. signal is decent ONLY at the 2nd and 3rd floor. it's weak at the 1st floor and dead on the basement and that's where the office is. bwiset. anyhooow, broadband? so far it's better than smartbro... JUST IN THIS ROOM. i'm not saying globe tattoo broadband is better than smartbro, cos reallyyy when it comes to wireless connections, it all depends on the LOCATION.

i still want DSL but if i can manage with globe tattoo, hmm ok lang din. >:)

kkkk, marathon time! >:D TAE KYUUUNG!!!

MOAR!!!

oh right. so i've finally decided on something. i'm transferring to a different department, that is if i get allowed to, otherwise i'm filing for resignation. i don't wanna make it look like i'm having such a hard time at the library, cos the truth is (and as i've mentioned countless times) the work is bearable. i'm an easily bored person and i enjoy being busy, what i can't handle is the way she dumps work on us like we're part of the *geek alert* transport layer of an OSI reference model with a dysfunctional (or worse, nonexisent) flow control [1]. plus the fact that the dusty shelves are aggravating my allergies. well, i can even accept her delegating patterns as long as i'm given enough space and peace of mind to focus on it. which hardly ever happens.

i don't know. i wanna take charge of this in the most diplomatic way possible. help me Lord.

kkk, fine fine fine. i have a political map to do for my friend. a quiz to review on, aaaaand A DVD OF HE'S BEAUTIFUL SA WAAAKAS

oh and finally, i'm gonna try bon's 15-in-1 barako coffee. LOL

my day has just begun. >:)

[1] - in networking there's a concept called flow control which regulates the amount of data flow from the server to the client or from the sender to receiver. say for example the sender trasmits packets of data too fast and many for the client to handle; with flow control, the receiver won't be accomodating these data streams simultaneously (lest it might overclock/hang/freeze/dieeee), instead it deals with them one by one, each with a prompt confirming the reception of the said data.

this can be observed when transferring files from one device to another. unless the receipient specifies automatic reception, the data will not be delivered until the receiver acknowledges the sender.

i hope you get it. i did my best. OTL