a kasi ganito yan

i thought i already ate my words when i said i didn't want to know anything that could jeopardize close friendships. but now, i'm back to being at it. for feeling regretful that i was ever curious. >:| i want to bring back the times but i couldn't. once or twice, it doesn't matter, it's the same dreadful feeling. and as much as i can avoid it, I WOULD. >:(

here are my hatest feelings in the world, in no particular order:

1. mukang tanga - not doing anything when everyone else is busy. feeling genuinely happy and thrilled about something that's actually a lie, specially with your friends as the fabricators. assuming something, that has been born as a fictional idea, into reality, therefore making yourself a victim of your own illusions.

2. guilt - it gets in the way of everything. to avoid this, i try to be GOOD. as in 'generally' good so as not to harness such unnecessary and crippling emotion.

3. helplessness - my ego's quite big for a girl. i'm not sure. but i hate looking helpless, or being offered help, right when i know i can do the damn thing better than the one offering it. i'm no damsel in distress (you should know how much i hate em). i need no knight in shining armor. i hate knights in shining armors. all they care about is whether they've shown enough of their masculinity to the world, and what better way to flaunt it than to help poor, weak girls who can't carry their own asses. PLUS they can't do without horses. it's part of the package. haha don't get me wrong, i appreciate all acts of kindness/concern. i just hate looking weak. that's all. but i like gentlemen, of course.

4. ilang - i don't know my way around it. i hate it because it makes me want to hide and not see the person for a long and indefinite amount of time.... until the feeling has subsided. or we both have died. LOL sucks a lot fighting it. i'd rather hide, seriously.