PAKYOW!

it's kinda random right under the cut. you can opt not to read of course.
and i thought i was being valued for what i can offer, but it turns out i MAY be not, after all. MAY -- because i'm not sure. i wanna think i'm talented enough and i wanna get it from people who looks at me objectively. sadly, there're none.

i thought i was being responsible doing my job, then i think about what i discovered this day and mentally kick myself for ever making assumptions that i was good enough, that i was being called because of my skills or whatever.

my gaaaaawd i hate this day. i hate it to the core of this stupidly mantled planet!!!!! and when i thought of the person who made me feel like this, i wanted to rant! unfortunately, the first person i thought of whom i could rave about this, DID THE SAME BEFORE, so i seconded the thought. but i ended up spilling it to him anyway. but not everything.

i don't trust anyone anymore. even my closest friends.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF FRIENDS WHO ENJOY WATCHING ME MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF.
is it so funny that i'm such a kid when it comes to this? i haven't been where you guys have been, because i'm too cautious. i hate you for playing with my feelings.

i fucking cried over this! over the fact that i'm making such a fool of myself AGAIN. AGAAAAAAIIIN. and it's about the same fucking person.

to the same fucking person though, i'm not mad at you. i'm actually grateful that despite everything, you're still cool and you still treat me civilly and gentlemanly. though i admit, after this, it'll be a struggle to be the same with you again. >:(

i would understand if the floor i'm on right now would soften and turn into a quicksand and swallow me whole. it's too shameful, i can't take it.

and he's too kind. fuuuuck.