white and nerdy

i badly want my OWN laptop. my one heck of a sister won't let my hands on OUR (supposedly) laptop. which brought me to decide that she can fuck with it all she wants, i won't be borrowing it from her anymore (she'll reject me anyway)... i'll be saving for my OWN laptop. i've already calculated the amount of time it'll take me to raise around 30,000. 8 months, taking into consideration everything that will mean no allowance for me like the sembreak, christmas break, holy week and other uncontrolled factors. yeah. and you know, it sucks because i've been meaning to save for a digicam and a travel gear and some decent rubbershoes... but the need for a laptop is becoming unbearable and also irrational, if you come to think of it. but i am one of the most materialistic people in the world. i shouldn't care, per ce.

it's hard to save for your pleasures and your future at the same time without living the present in poverty. haaaay.

and my mom is mad at me for being so distant with my sister.
honestly, I DON'T CARE.

in this one week that i haven't spoken anything sisterly to her... i realize it doesn't bear much difference having her close by. i could happily take ourselves as two mutually exclusive universes, regardless of our only intersection ---- blood.

and it doesn't pain me at all, not to have her around. not that i wish she were dead but what i mean is that, i don't get that much from her anyway so i think... i could live without her.

the drama:
she was never like an older sister to me. and i hate it because i want to have someone to take care of me, for once. oh right! i'm supposed to understand that she's undergoing hell through her thesis. yes, yes, right... and she can trade everything for that fucking peice of research.

and because it's finally taking its toll on me, i want nothing to do with it anymore. i'll continue shutting myself off to her. well, except that i'll still be texting her some totally uncool and sarcastic updates... but nothing sweeter of the sort. just some words like 'bye', when i'm finally going home. just to let her know. because that's what mom's been nagging about since i came home.

and another thing.
our apartment seems more homey than this house.

and i'm scared because that's not how it should be. :(

normally, i should be excited to go home every week but happens now is that it has become a tedious chore for me to go home during fridays (or saturdays).

oh right, i hate my sister. :)