oo nga naman...

last night was so enlightening. the three of us (mommy-daddy-me, terai's at elbi) did a short bible study. ok, read read, pray pray, history 101... blahblahblah...then i sort of opened up to them about not having a peace of mind. i asked them if they do, and they said yes and i was surprised because everything seems to be going wayward and yet they can sleep peacefully at night. the opposite goes for me though, they were surprised to know that i'm actually not at peace even though my face tells otherwise. i told them that everytime i go to sleep, i feel depressed... sad, drained of all hopes that would uplift my mood... and it all boils down to my course.

ohmygaaaah! supposedly magt-third-year na ko, but i'm still prying my way to sophomore year. i've already spent (or wasted) one and a half years in college not knowing what i really like... blinded by the options of transferring and taking fine arts instead but never really got my hands on it.

kaya naman i want to make sure i won't change my mind when first sem comes. it's hard to accept things you thought was not in God's will. kasi everytime i feel bad, i refer to the quote which says something like 'no matter how hard your decision is for the day, as long as you can sleep well at night, you did the right choice...' ganun. so i thought, since i was feeling so down about pursuing my course, then maybe this isn't the right one for me. this isn't God's will, per se.

but last night, i realized something really important.... and it's that, God's will doesn't always have to feel good. whatever happens to your life is God's will. whether you think otherwise. the problem is, everything has been happening in accordance to his 'plan' but human nature always gets in the way of thinking we know better than to stick to his ways. that's why we tend to think 'this isn't right', because we do not accept what God has laid down for us.

iniisip ko nga, if i was right all this time about Fine Arts being God's will, then why isn't it happening? why am i still here? of all the options laid down, why do i still refrain from moving out?

e kasi nga, perhaps...this is where God wants me to be and i didn't accept it first hand because my mind speaks of other things, kaya ako nahihirapan. life is a matter of choice and acceptance, whatever i chose, i have to accept... if not, then i'll end up blaming myself for thinking that i did the wrong choice but the truth is, hardly anyone makes the wrong choice... they just lack acceptance to whatever their hearts tell them. accidents are part of God's will, it's not a choice but it's bound to happen anyway. people who refuse to accept the tragedy eventually ruins his life blaming everyone else, those who accept get the privilege of learning and growing up. something that doesn't happen everyday.

you know, i read something insightful in Good Omens. in the end there's going to be a war and the point is not to avoid it from happening, but to win it.

came from an angel himself...
oh yeah, that's a good one.