dear sister

i feel awful. i feel really bad about myself. i think i wasn't a good enough sister! i hate myself for letting her hurt herself that much for a stupid guy!!! and i hate it more that i actually wasn't there when she needs someone to confide to! well, she didn't really say she wants to talk about it... but during that time i was having an attack so she's really being considerate to me when she agreed to accompany me to the infirmary when she badly wants to go home already because of a heartache.

i feel really bad. >_>;
sometimes i think she doesn't want to tell me anything because i have a tendency top shut her off, saying she's really stupid to dwell even further on a delusional love affair. i thought it wasn't so serious.

i thought she isn't really in love.
but i missed the fact that everyone has his/her own style of loving someone, and my sister just got that weirder (sometimes intolerable) style.

when i heard that she cried a lot, i felt my heart sink. i felt like the worst sister in the world, not being there when she needs me. i hate using this stupid heart ailment as an excuse.

my sister's unique. ok, i say she's weird and loud about the one she loves. i'm not even sure if she's completely over him.

heck, i saw her calendar and saw she marked the box with the guy's birthday. you know what's written? ___'s BIRTHDAY: FORGET IT! >_>;
stupid isn't it?

and to think that she accepts the fact that everyone thinks i act older than she is. she asked me once, "how can i be a better sister to you?" because it bothers her that her level of maturity isn't par with me. i don't want her to think that she's no better than i am. in the same way, i don't want her to dwell on her current state right now. i wish i could talk to her without getting furious with her silly comments. i wish i had more patience to deal with her in-progress-emotional-growth because i think it's the key to her maturity.

once she gets over and done with her dillemma, then i guess it's a good step forward to a better sense of emotional perspective.

i hurt when she hurts.
it's no good tolerating things like this.
but only time can heal, and i don't want to impose an improper healing process on her (because i heal fast).

but maybe she's really like that, she hurts hard, and heals slow.
and maybe too, she loved more.