conformity is bitch

i want to change this layout.

finally done with the finals. what a relief. the chem16 finals was... err... like what i said in math, it was so-so. steady lang. i think it was easier. 210 points. before passing my paper i tabulated all the correct answers that i'm confident i got right and it reached beyond passing score. i was glad. really glad but after the test when i inquired it with my friends, we all have different answers. what the hell? i don't know what's right and wrong anymore. either way, it wouldn't kill to repeat.

what an irony. among all the subjects i took since i was a kid, chem16 is the only subject i learned the most from. yes, i love what i have learned and what a shame that from all the things i learned and could be boastful of, there's a big chance i'd end up repeating the blasted subject. what a big loser. i thought i was smart enough, but i guess i slacked-off too much. wait. scratch that. i didn't slack-off! i poured my every braincell into understanding the concepts that goes along with chem but why are my efforts - the sleepless nights, the nervous breakdowns and this forming mental illness - still inversely proportional to my grades?

mehn. it's too early to say things like that. but either way, pass or fail... i'm not going to lose it. i'm fine with repeating actually. but i'm better off taking 17 this summer. duh.

this day:

before going home as usual i dropped by SM megamall. i left my backpack in the package counter and headed to St. Francis Square. it was a damn long walk, every now and then i stop on my tracks to see if i can jaywalk along the barred aisles because the heat is killing me, much more, the heat is like supplying me with extra melanin. i don't need that! i'm dark enough. no, i'm too dark already. but my conscience prevailed, i mean, my ego (in psych terms the ego is the executive and chief mediator of the personality. the most rational part of our beings) took charge. and so i walked the extra mile to reach my destination. but before that, i saw Chateau 1771. it reminded me of our prosec field trip and the yummy chicken fillet. which led to me realizing that the Podium is just... there.

i entered podium and instantly got bored. much more, i felt like a 3rd class citizen living in a classic Philippine shanty. is there anything i'm holding now that would make me feel like an upperclass socialite? ah. i have my earphones stuck in my ears, they're white so it looks like i have an ipod when in fact i have a smaller, cheaper thing. i easily dismissed the thought and tried to look around in hopes of finding something worthwhile. nothing (aside from starbucks).

i hate myself when i go to places like podium or rockwell (or anywhere expensive). it makes me feel inferior about myself. everywhere i look, i see high profile people (or so i thought). it makes me wish for a lot of things like, i wish i were whiter, i wish i have smooth legs and shaved eyebrows, i wish i have that bag you're holding now instead of this cheap bag with the words 'accident and health' written in big boldfaced letters. i wish i look like a rich teenager. i'm becoming a social climber. that's why i avoid those places unless i'm wearing my best and my wallet is stuffed with lotsa moolahs. T_T; i'm incredibly pathetic i want to kill myself.

my self esteem is way below the average.
and because i hate what i'm thinking and feeling at that time, i decided to indulge on coffee. where else? i bought a venti mocha frappe. it's big and expensive and it gives you instant status hike. admit it, starbucks has become a status symbol. even if you're wearing your worst, as long as you're sipping through that trademark green straw, you're away from the people's negative prejudgment. but in my case, you can't just take away coffee from my lifestyle so please understand that i drink because i crave.

i'm totally hating my attitude.
which is why after getting my order, i headed directly to St. Francis square to buy dvd's. The L Word is everywhere and they have until season 4!! but i held back, thinking that i'm being selfish and evil if buy it because... hello? i can't just invite my parents to watch lesbian porn! and i don't like watching alone so i figured i just have to buy 300. at least i could watch it with my dad. =) good girl.

then i went back to megamall. i bought some vanity stuff, mostly whitening goods, because unlike other people who want to get tan this summer, i want to get fairer. just fairer. not really that white. hahaha. i'm so vain. hahaha.

ps: i saw raymart santiago in the podium awhile ago. starstrucked? not even. if it were ryan agoncillo, i'll instantly dismiss the fact that i look like a 3rd class thingy and get a picture with him... using my sucker of a cam phone that takes a century to load. XP