Awhile ago I have written a fairly long amount of text but the computer shop suddenly bagged down. I mean there was a brown out and so my file was deleted. I had to wait for the electricity to come back before I check the recovered file. You know what, it wouldn’t matter that much to me if the recovered file wasn’t recovered at all but the fact that I mentioned someone’s NAME in the text I’ve written makes me nervous enough not to let anyone read it. So for goodness sake, I’m going to learn the essence of saving every now and then. thank you.
I thought I should take it as a sign for me to stop typing a journal but I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from semi-blogging in a password protected Microsoft word file. By the way, this won’t take longer than usual.
Can I hop on to this day? So in my blog yesterday I’ve mentioned that I’ve finally freed myself from my Zahir. It’s actually a good thing that right now, whenever I see him, I see him only as a friend and the ‘spark’ that I once thought would fire off hearts in the night sky suddenly disappeared and ceased to impress itself. Yes, I know we’d only look after one another as mere friends and because I’ve already freed myself from the hopeless thoughts of me having no chance to him, I’ve come to accept it as well. It’s not that hard. The short Christmas vacation helped me a lot in deciding about this. Thanks a bunch.
Today is a semi-good day. I laughed a lot, I think I gave off a reasonable amount of positive energy to last the whole day. Meaning, I’m happy right now. The presence of the Zahir does not affect me anymore. Being friends, we enjoy each other’s company. I was the one who withdrew from the possibility of love to ignite. Or rather, I was the only one who thought it’s possible in the first place. Imagine the doom if I did not struggle from the Zahir, it would be a painful one-sided adventure to the brink of rejection. Painful. I have no idea how painful is ‘painful’ but coming from other’s who have experienced intolerable amount of heartbrokenness, I think painful can be equated to a heart piercing. It’s like having your heart pierced when there’s no jewelry to be stuck in it.
I sometimes wonder if I’m the only one thinking about these things but then nothing would change so, que sera sera.
Let’s see. There is another guy whom I’m not officially crushing on but then again, I’m using him as a cover to hide the Zahir. I don’t know why I always mention him, but I seriously don’t feel anything for him. It sucks to think that I’m morphing into one of his pathetic groupies who swoons over him whenever he passes by. I’m just starting to think it’s essential for me to divert the topic to him, since he’s popular enough to be talked about and people won’t mind because, grrrr, it’s normal for a girl to think he’s her prince charming. The nerve, God. THE NERVE. Trivia: his face is rough when you zoom it 4x. otherwise you’d think he’s a demi-god. Hahaha. but a friend of mine says he's ugly, and out of defending my taste for guys, i say he's wrong and that he's an *adjective+noun*. holy land of jerusalem, i would never ever repeat that word again. i'm giving him too much compliments he's not worthy of. but it's a matter of pride, and i don't want anyone saying i pick ugly guys. hmm... i think i COULD, only if he's rich and smart.
And so people think that just like his other anonymous admirers, I’m head over heels for this guy. Nye. Ok, let’s leave it here. The important thing is, I’m back to my usual grayscale love life and I’m happy. Couldn’t be anymore happier in fact. My favorite lunch is siomai-rice with banana and my favorite drink is a regular café-late with extra pearls from zagu. I’m wasting too much money. Bye.