hopeless

life has been tremendously hostile at me. first i left my phone back in our house, which is a good two hours away from here, meaning i am totally devoid of communication from my friends far from here. there's nothing wrong with it, i guess. it's just one week, and come to think of it, i just saved myself a hundred bucks for the prepaid. hehehe. whew. then there's the chem test. i just figured out i got a certain number wrong. problem number 2 regarding the partial pressures. damn damn damn. i don't know where i went wrong, all i know is that i am guaranteed a deduction of 15 points... plus 20 because i got another problem wrong, so that's 35 points already! and there's a slim chance i'd get the true or false questions right so... urgh. nevermind. wow. depressing. totally depressing. so much for the happy endorphins i'm so desperately trying to grow.

i hate it when everything seems to crumble easily on my feet. things like this should be taken seriously, heck we're talking about my grades and my obvious candidacy for delinquency here, but i don't know where to start. i'm afraid i won't be able to build up a good future here. sad is, i can't imagine a good future for me anywhere. what should i study then? where should i specialize?

on the bright side of it all, i received an email from someone asking for permission to translate my fanfic to Russian for some Russian-speaking website. aww, i was flattered. come on, who wouldn't?

life here is becoming detrimental to my mental health. i am being soaked of things i can't absorb and drowned in a foreign sea for the sharks to feast upon. someone help me. please please just give me a good grade. that's all i ask. a satisfactory grade in math and chem. mehn.

i'm giving up the acer ferrari. the price is a whooping 129,000 at the least!! haha screw it. i'll just buy a cheaper laptop and adorn it with a ferrari sticker. much better.

oh yeah. i had a major system restoration within me days ago. i'm back to the usual grayscale blur of a love life. hahahaha.

i though it's a zero!

but it was a 3! an equally disappointing 3/10! well at least it broke the record. i'm not super sad. but i'm kind of feeling emo right now. you know what i'm listening to? huwag mo nang itanong - mymp. tsk. i can totally relate to the first line. hahahaha. mehn. first line lang!! hehehe.

anyway. i finally got another fic idea!!!! okay, i won't spill yet since chances are i won't have enough time to spare nosebleeding over the first chapter. but the good thing is, it's tragic and i love tragic endings. it's based on a movie. hahaha. weeee. and obviously it's gonna be harryXdraco. yeah. i'm so excited.

oh damn. PE again tomorrow!!! i don't exactly hate PE, but part of why i'm trying to avoid PE is because i've gotten myself used to the (semi) fact that i can't run anymore. and it hurts so much to limit your legs to only brisk walking and jogging. but just recently, i've just proved to myself that i can run! not just run but SPRINT. the actual ability i was so scared of losing. yeah. it was the night of the chem16 lab test and jonathan and i walked home together. we were just talking and laughing and scaring each other until we suddenly ran! haha, i had to chase him and that's when i realized, holy guacamoleeee i can ruuuunnn!!!!! yehey. hmm. but i have to make sure the stupid meniscal tear has totally healed itself (or at least went close to it) before i can fully enjoy this freeedooooomm!!!!

i can't wait to go home. i want to go to the fair (sa holy). hmmph.
hehehe...

oh so this is how it feels

aww. first time! i'm a growing lady! i think i'm in love! but i'm still under self-denial. heck, i won't even mention it to anyone. not to my sister, not to my friends, as in no one! not because i don't trust them! i just want to make sure i'm telling the truth before i finally admit it. hehehe. e ano to?

i was hurt. it was the first time i felt like this. like someone's scrunching up my heart and piercing a hole through it. it was err... yeah it was difficult but NOT to the point of me throwing myself on the bed face down and burrying my face on the pillow crying the hell out. hahaha. that's the advanced chapter of 'getting hurt with your imaginary lovelife'. who knows when i'll finally get there? hahah. not now duh. not ever.

back in the dorm awhile ago after my last class i was in a state of trance. i was sort of self-analyzing. make that 30 minutes. i was trying to grasp what's really inside my mind just to clear things out. i've realized a lot of things. like what friendship really is and how different it is from just getting awfully fond of someone. hmm.

hmm. i think i'm getting my second zero in chem16. we had a quiz awhile ago. and i swear i studied. i was even proud of myself when i got a couple of problems right regarding the gas laws. but just awhile ago, my mind went blank. not exactly but i guess i wasn't given enough time to digest the problem. here's when your prof is taking great pleasure in seeing his student's brows knot in absolute ignorance. i was like, "oh dear, how do you get the molecular formula again?" arrgghh. ok. totally no sweat getting an egg. mehn. pray for me. we have a long test in chem16 (again) this friday. wooooot!!

hopefully tomorrow will be a great day. i only have two subjects and there's a chance of another awkward stroll back home. ♥

home at last!

nothing is more stress-relieving than going online - if you're in my case. =) but then, i'm not really stressed! at least i think i don't look stressed. hahaha. i'm deleting my account in LJ - for good. i don't see a reason keeping it anyway. and i don't want more blogs to manage. yey.

this week:
i had fun at the most! i always do. i keep it a point to enjoy everything and laugh at the smallest things because it will keep me healthy and immune to illnesses. seriously. july has been a great help, she always keeps me laughing. =D then there's the chem16 lab test i've been talking about. i don't know my standing yet, i guess i answered some problems right but i didn't observe the significant figures. hahaha. ok lang. to shift or not to shift is still the question. hehehe.

haay. at last, i'm getting tired of siomai rice! haha, it's time to move on for another cheap alternative. as long as i eat a meal with a banana (w/c accdg. to research has an anti-depressant agent) i'll stay happy! hahaha. but it doesn't mean i'll live a worry-free life. in fact, i'm having jitters over our 2nd chem16 long test which our teacher said was 3 times harder than the first test. which means i'll probably get a score three times lower then. wow ha. hahaha. it's not funny, i'm worried as much as my classmates are. i'll just do what is due.

for the meantime, i'm happy that i'm still receiving reviews from my last fic. it's somewhat bolstering my ego. but hell, no matter how much i get of them, it won't help me pass chem16. hahahaha.

a dormmate asked me one night, athletic or musically inclined? hmm. i chose athletic. but at some point i want to consider both. hmmm. ewan. basta athletic, para masaya! i was never turned on by musically inclined men anyway. they just interest me because we're the same. i still go for the jocks. i seek adventure in the confines of my average life. e diba ganun sa chic-lits? it's the average girl who gets the jock. hahaha. besides, i've just proven that compatibility plays little role in nurturing 'love' - it just deepens the friendship. i go for the 'opposites attract' because they get more surprises and romance. you get real adventure. there's so much room for learning.. basta. ehehehe.

i'm having fun reading the section 'sketchpad' from the campus newspaper. hillarious!!!! a new look at gays. yeah, i love it. i'm want more updates from Luigi! hahahaha. there's a character designing contest sponsored by the up painters club i want to join but i lost my mojo when i saw the displays on a stray bulletin board. i realized i couldn't draw anime anymore. hehehe. either way, it's not a bad thing i lost my addiction to anime because at some point i was the one who purposely isolated myself from it. weee... i'm still addicted to coffee.

slacking off

my conscience says i shouldn't be here sitting comfortably in an airconditioned computer hub practically wasting what's left with my allowance. but my craves get the better of me. even though i have nothing much to do online, i'm always having this urge to surf. we have a long test in chem16 lab later at 7-9pm. sucks big time i know but our instructor assured us that it's going to be difficult. my classmates are so easy about this thing. they even rejoiced when our teacher dismissed us around 11 when we should be doing an experiment until 1. i'm happy too, but i'm not at peace. i have this moral dillemma that has been consuming my usual optimistic self. it's hard to keep the good endorphins working when you're stuck in a place you're an alien to. i'm talking about the chem16 lecture now. grr. my mind is not working well. i don't understand anything. and i have just recently discovered that i am so easy to please. i laugh at the simplest things around, even though it's not that funny and i'm the only one plastered with a huge grin in our group. how can it be that? does it also explain why i don't fret much about my low grades? i'm not at all pleased. but i wasn't born smart, i'm still in the process of learning how to be one. and this school is so tough, so fast, so inconsiderate that i couldn't keep up. my friends are all hyped on taking chem17 this summer. hell, because i know they'll pass chem16 with flying colors and chances are i'll be retaking it! so much for shifting. no no no. i shouldn't be assuming things already. haha, i should be positive. yeah right. be positive! you're the master of the happy endorphins!!

let's take the verse of the day for inspiration: Daniel 2:19-23
yes... He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning.

ok. let's all study!!!

they had it coming

two days to go before my sister's 18th birthday. we're not throwing a debut party, it's too impractical at this point of time. imagine during that week (this week) i have three long tests, and she has her own list of schoolworks to toil over. no party. just a simple blowout at the dorm. yeah, that would do. as her sister, i'm feeling obliged to do something for her. but what? i want balloons on the ceiling and a banner on the wall. i want a giant birthday card for her too. hay plans. but how am i going to do it? she'll be wanting my company for the ordering of foods and i'll be busy doing stuff with her haay, nevermind, i can do it. excited na nga ako eh.

anyway. my LJ account is active once again, but the juice will still be dispensed here. i'm considering putting up some of my formal compositions there. stuff i write in school and a couple of poems. not that they're good, i just don't want them disappearing in the hard drive. besides, i'm a master of incoherent thoughts and off-grammar ramblings, so there isn't anything to be proud of. even i can't understand myself when i write something formal.

my sister went ahead of me to los banos because she has a meeting to attend. so while i'm here i plan to study a bit in math17, fix my things, and maybe drop by fcm to buy something. oh well. maybe the balloons won't come in handy when i go back there (hell, she'll notice) so i'll think of something else. by the way, i was so proud of myself when i've finally memorized the cations and anions (w/ charges) for our lab manual. i got a lot of inspiration from God, seriously. plus, he gave me a a bottle of nutella so while studying i was on chololate high and i couldn't help licking my fingers clean of the sinfully delicious treat.

hmm. i'm afraid i lied when i said i've finally freed myself from the zahir. the truth is, i'm not yet over it. i feel sad whenever i think he's leaving and that i'll be stuck here alone in the dread. which is why i want to finalize my goals. i don't want to do something i'm not inclined to. help me Lord.

if you have been there, i guess that would have done the same.

comic striiiiiiip!

i made this january 7 while studying for chem16. half of the bond paper used was filled with junk computations while the other half was used to produce this yet another fruit of thy boredom, now with added inspiration (coming from the text message itself, if you've ever received it :D). hehe. i love the message. it's so cute. i wonder if someone's ever done this before, i mean the whole romantic interpretation of a very common signboard (here). hahaha.

it's friday and i'm home! i should be sleeping right now but i decided to go online first. i have exactly 20 minutes before my load expires. anyway, we went to sm megamall awhile ago to buy my sister's giftS. we're looking for a pink high-cut chuck taylor's sizes 7-7 1/2 - but we failed to. no sizes available, and SHE won't take anything but pink or hot pink. so demanding it freaks me out. if it wasn't for her birthday (her 18th birthday to be exact) i'll be scolding her for pressuring all of us just for an uber expensive sneakers. i've nothing against the mighty chucks (in fact i'm planning on buying one myself) but we're just so tired. we practically toured every sports shop including the department store but dear old fate won't cooperate. in the end we just bought her a little dog stuffed toy from toy kingdom (which she chose over a microbeaded pig). wow ha, that is so 18-ish. aside from that, my parents already put 50thou investment on her account. and tomorrow, she's going to continue her quest to find the perfect shoe. and i'm going with her! yey. weeeeee.

i have a lot of things to study!!! i have three exams next week, math17, chem16lab and psy1. yehey. good luck to meeee!!!

happy weekend!!!

the ideal gas law

Awhile ago I have written a fairly long amount of text but the computer shop suddenly bagged down. I mean there was a brown out and so my file was deleted. I had to wait for the electricity to come back before I check the recovered file. You know what, it wouldn’t matter that much to me if the recovered file wasn’t recovered at all but the fact that I mentioned someone’s NAME in the text I’ve written makes me nervous enough not to let anyone read it. So for goodness sake, I’m going to learn the essence of saving every now and then. thank you.

I thought I should take it as a sign for me to stop typing a journal but I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from semi-blogging in a password protected Microsoft word file. By the way, this won’t take longer than usual.

Can I hop on to this day? So in my blog yesterday I’ve mentioned that I’ve finally freed myself from my Zahir. It’s actually a good thing that right now, whenever I see him, I see him only as a friend and the ‘spark’ that I once thought would fire off hearts in the night sky suddenly disappeared and ceased to impress itself. Yes, I know we’d only look after one another as mere friends and because I’ve already freed myself from the hopeless thoughts of me having no chance to him, I’ve come to accept it as well. It’s not that hard. The short Christmas vacation helped me a lot in deciding about this. Thanks a bunch.

Today is a semi-good day. I laughed a lot, I think I gave off a reasonable amount of positive energy to last the whole day. Meaning, I’m happy right now. The presence of the Zahir does not affect me anymore. Being friends, we enjoy each other’s company. I was the one who withdrew from the possibility of love to ignite. Or rather, I was the only one who thought it’s possible in the first place. Imagine the doom if I did not struggle from the Zahir, it would be a painful one-sided adventure to the brink of rejection. Painful. I have no idea how painful is ‘painful’ but coming from other’s who have experienced intolerable amount of heartbrokenness, I think painful can be equated to a heart piercing. It’s like having your heart pierced when there’s no jewelry to be stuck in it.

I sometimes wonder if I’m the only one thinking about these things but then nothing would change so, que sera sera.

Let’s see. There is another guy whom I’m not officially crushing on but then again, I’m using him as a cover to hide the Zahir. I don’t know why I always mention him, but I seriously don’t feel anything for him. It sucks to think that I’m morphing into one of his pathetic groupies who swoons over him whenever he passes by. I’m just starting to think it’s essential for me to divert the topic to him, since he’s popular enough to be talked about and people won’t mind because, grrrr, it’s normal for a girl to think he’s her prince charming. The nerve, God. THE NERVE. Trivia: his face is rough when you zoom it 4x. otherwise you’d think he’s a demi-god. Hahaha. but a friend of mine says he's ugly, and out of defending my taste for guys, i say he's wrong and that he's an *adjective+noun*. holy land of jerusalem, i would never ever repeat that word again. i'm giving him too much compliments he's not worthy of. but it's a matter of pride, and i don't want anyone saying i pick ugly guys. hmm... i think i COULD, only if he's rich and smart.

And so people think that just like his other anonymous admirers, I’m head over heels for this guy. Nye. Ok, let’s leave it here. The important thing is, I’m back to my usual grayscale love life and I’m happy. Couldn’t be anymore happier in fact. My favorite lunch is siomai-rice with banana and my favorite drink is a regular café-late with extra pearls from zagu. I’m wasting too much money. Bye.

i am a free man

the earthquake in taiwan affected the DSL's in our country, that's why the internet connection here, which uses DSL is quite fucked up. (i'm not sure if it's the real cause of these annoying internet delays but that's what i heard). i don't really mind, except that i can't gain access to blogger during the times i'm itching to update (like now, and if you must know... i'm mailing this entry again). it's just now that i realized the usefulness of the blogger-email feature. it comes in really handy when blogger is slow and the only thing you can open is your mailbox. hahahaha.

so what am i itching to update anyway? you know me, i love updating for no itchy reasons at all. i just... want to write! yey. not about something substantial but rather just about anything random that comes to my mind. and randomness, in my case, can be equated to nonsensical gibberish. you don't have to brace yourself for what lies ahead since there's nothing surprising if i suddenly want to talk nonsense (like i always do). just er.. read.

the more you hate, the more you talk about it. you talk as if he's the worst thing that ever crossed your life. you want to know more unlikely things about him in hopes of looking for a reason to hate him forever when in fact, it's just to cover another fact that he occupies a portion of your mind. he's becoming your personal Zahir and it disgusts you to take it any further. you want to drown yourself with reasons to turn yourself off but as you sink deeper, your senses adapt. you do not struggle anymore, you learn the depths of his soul. but as the book says, the only way to let go of something is to get used to it first. and so you do. you spend time with him, thinking that you'll soon grow fond of him that you won't miss him anymore. and it happens, the spark you once thought would draw hearts in the night sky fades away and you heave a sigh of lightness. it's over.

i just freed myself from my Zahir.

yehey! come on Friday... i'm waiting.

adsense terminated

it's been more or less two months since i started earning through adsense (no i haven't received my first paycheck... but i should be if only--). during those two months i've accumulated a total of around 280 clicks and $35... which roughly amounts to P1750 here in and is more than enough to pay for 5 units of my summer classes. however, due to my own stupidity - or rather this is karma's payback trick on me- i have carelessly comitted invalid clicks. honestly, i have been breaking the adsense terms and conditions ever since i started and in the first place, i am not legally allowed to participate in it - agewise. i just want to try it. i should be arrested. lol. i just turned myself over.

so it's over. i'm not sad. two days ago i received the account deactivation notice and i was surprised. but i easily got over it thinking that either way it wouldn't do me any good. besides, i'm breaking the law so i should be treated accordingly. i'm spilling a lot already. anyway, no more adsense. no more clicks. so don't ask.

i just came back from los banos. the internet connection there has gone bonkers. every internet hub i enter have poor access to blogger and most of my personal pages like in devart and ffnet. i'm beyond pissed. yeah, it's worse that having the termination of my first online business. so i have no choice but to leave the node and walk silently back to the dorm keeping in mind a hopeful thought that tomorrow will be a good day for the servers to function better so... i'll be back. hahaha.

onga pala. we watched pat (dorm-mate!) in game knb? awhile ago. hehe... she didn't win but i swear, she got most of the atras powers of the other players. hehehe. talagang pinilit ko manood! hahaha.

hmmm. aside from that nothing else happened! except that i just broke my new year resolution number 1 (quit nailbiting). hahaha. eh ang weirdo ko talaga eh.

surprise surprise. my parents are planning on buying us a new laptop. yay. i've been saving for it because i want my OWN... but since my parents are buying it i have to share it with my sister. hay. pwede na rin.

friday i'm in love

i'm posting this entry through mail. blogger is currently on downtime (maybe it's just me but the person beside me is also having the same problem) so i thought it better to just mail it for now.

okay.

this day has been terrible. i got a 37/100, a zero, a nerve-racking headache and a mild fever. details further below. but please take note that while the abovementioned series of unfortunate events should put me in utter depression and give me suicidal tendencies, i am proud to say that neither of them successfully penetrated my nerves. remember, i'm a very optimistic being... i've taught myself to filter things so that i'd somehow manage to save my sanity in this murderous university.

37/100. the reason why i'm not depressed over this is because it's already EXPECTED. yes. i know firsthand that i don't stand a chance to pass the first long test. i studied, but well... let me say this peanuts quote once again, 'just when i discovered life's answers, they changed the questions.' yeah.

zero. to tell you the truth (and boastness aside), this is the first time in my whole life that i got a zero on a quiz. yeah and the closest i got to it is a 1 which is just as pathetic but then the teacher back then was so kind she gave me a point for the effort and ink. this was also the quiz where i got everything wrong from the question, the answer and the paper.

nerve-racking headache. from the moment i woke up until after our chem16 lab (that's 1pm), my stomach was empty. and even if i ate during snack time it was easily consumed because of our experiments awhile ago which involved a lot of thinking and computations (so much for the labgown i so desperately borrowed). i'm such an airhead when it comes to naming compounds and acids,combining elements and their charges and the whole junk about memorizing the cation and anions from the periodic table. in short, bobo ako sa chem. the two previous terrible things are enough to prove it.

mild fever. mild lang. don't worry. i just don't feel fine after the chem16 lab that i almost want to collapse. maybe it's because of the rain. aw mehn.

yehey. but at least the 7-10pm lab scheduled for today was cancelled forever. haha. and look! it's friday tomorrow! i can't wait to go home!!

mehn. sometimes i wonder if need to scale down my optimism (or whatever it is that makes me happy despite the world crumbling down on my feet) so that i'll be alarmed enough to take action of my negligence.

happy happy new year!

first post for the year! hahaha. like you can stop me from posting, anyway.

hello 2007. be good to me ok? according to the Chinese Horoscope, people born under the year of the Horse will get good luck! yeah! thanks pig. yay.

so last night, the view from our rooftop was extra spectacular. hahaha. oh because our neighbors from the back bought a LOT of fireworks and so when they sparked them off the fireworks blew a colorful display right on top of heads! it's the closest i've ever been to a fireworks display!!

i wasn't at all dismayed at the fact that we didn't open all the lights and windows (because of the stink and the smoke), jumped at 12 midnight, or even bought anything to welcome the Pig. it was normal in our family to just stay at the rooftop during new year's eve and gape wondrously at the marvelous display unfolding right in front of us. it's a good thing we have a rooftop. we saved a LOT. it's like those people who used fireworks are doing us a great favor.

i can't say it's the best new year for me. i was so tired the whole day. sunday morning we went to church, then we dropped by the grocery, then headed home. from there, i didn't go back to sleep like i usually do. i have to prepare our food!! my sister's suffering from her monthly curse and i was left to do the ref cake and the baked trivelli (kasi hindi sha macaroni. haha) alone. i enjoyed it anyway. nothing beats cooking for your family. awww. hehehe.

so by around 10, i texted every non-globe user in my phonebook a happy new year before i subscribe to unlimitxt for the rest of the day. haha. then we drank!! yeah. my dad and i shared the fundador while my mom and sis went for the sangria. theeeen... KARAOKE!

oh dear! i wasn't drunk... i was just high!!! and i sang the most. sucks because we don't a magic mic so we have to settle for the old school karaoke disks that doesn't score and jumps when you've used it for a long time. funny, my dad was singing 'tell laura i love her' and when the chorus came.. "tell Laura i----" the cd skrewed off. haha so we were like.... WAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEAAAHAHAHAHA ANOOOOOO DAAW?? HAHAHAH!!!! heh. whatever. so from 10 to 12 i sang and sang. then from 12 we went up to the rooftop. around 1am we went down to eat! yeah! so basically we just have baked trivelli (hehe) and ref cake on the table along with some plastic fruits, a loaf of bread and a pack of caramel popcorn. nothing much diba??? but i loved it.

ADSENSE ALERT: who says it'll take decades for me to earn a grand??? as long as YOU guys click on the google ads on top of my every entry (CLICK AS MANY AS YOU WANT) my goal of reaching a hundred dollars (and more!) will soon draw over the horizon!

page impressions: 1,048
clicks: 277
page CTR: 26.43%
page e-CPM: $30.43
earnings: $31.90

no classes till january 3???? what joy.