SUICIDAL TENDENCIES

y'know, i'm not the only one who suffers that i-think-i-have-to-kill-myself thing whenever i get smacked by my dad or something...



here it goes...

jan. 6, 05

my dad just beat the crap out of me awhile ago. and duh! it hurts... but the weird thing is... when i ran upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom, my mind is craving for more PAIN. My arms as of the moment is not heavily bruised but it's numb and i can feel pain trailing throughout my whole body.

yet again. i'm craving for pain. in short, my conscience, which was supposed to be advicing me to clm down, is outdone by my thought of taking SUICIDE.



seriously. i have a huge psychological problem.



i'm thinking of ending my life. unfortunately there were no sharp objects within my reach and so i go for the lesser case of self mutilation (if that's how you would describe my grievous action). I grab a hairclip (yeah.. the one beauticians use to hold ur hair when styling) and held the metal part of it (it's not that sharp but it should pass for a motivational object for suicide) and scratched my right arm for like 20 times until the blood clotted and there was this 1 inch thick and 8 inches long red line of clotted blood.



i wonder why it didn't bleed... hmmm....

i took time to reflect after this really foolish attempt to actually hurt myself physically... i dried my tears and went out to continue my unfinished homework of drawing coconuts, hammocks and a sun (that looks like a burger) for our fliers when dad apporached for this humble and almost polite apology.



pero i'm not in the mood so i keep on ignoring him...and he gave up and left me..



yadda yadda... i hate mushy reconciliations...



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after the desperate attempt to hurt myself.. i discovered na... uy.. mag poprom na pla.. gagaling pa kaya toh?



stupid.



pero ngayon.. we're fine na.. we went out pa nga eh.. o.O

onga pla... we had our prom talk awhile ago... oh well.. didn't enjoy it that much... kasi it's the talk for people with dates.. hehe.. and i'm datelesss..



i'm totally pissed off with the table-mates thing... i don't want to be with people whom i barely consider as my CLOSE friends.. and they're putting me with them.. darn. is this the consequence of not having a date or what? i'm put-in on random tables just to FILL in a buttless chair?



we bought my prom shoes kanina! ok.. not really MINE coz my sister has to wear it first kasi she's having her JS prom THIS friday and we just went to shop for her gown last SUNDAY?... how much early is that?

and look... i have to use her gown next yr.. (if ever may gradball) like i have to use her previous gown this prom...



crap.



and her gown is FREAKIN' RED!

how are you supposed to put mocha in blood?



seriously... while RED is my all time favorite color, i wouldn't want to wear a freakin bloodyyy vamp red in the gradball... even though it looks good on me... ahahaaaa...



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let's go off topic.. i'm currently browsing for harry potter fics... i'm looking for this certain fic having draco as a vamp.. uh... whatever..

it reminds me of my fic writing seasons... like.. i actually tore my first naruto fic because of guilt... coz I got COMPLIMENTED FOR MAKING IT A REALLY GOOD CLIFFHANGER AND THE MATURE scenes are DEPICTED WELL.



that made me feel faithless.

i mean... that's one helluva nice review.. but y'know. i'm guilty of all those SCENES i wrote.. that's why i tore the paper in half and threw it..



and now... im NOT writing naughty scenes anymore! yipeee.. but my story really got me hanging... bitin nga sha noh...ahaahahaaa... the whole nude sketching and the dreams... uhh... nvm.



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it's quarter to ten... haven't changed my dress yet.. im still wearing the uniform

i remember something about ENVY...



i actually envy someone from class having her date as one of my all time crushes...-_-;; starting from the first time he appeared on mag.. i mean.. am i right? in the second edition of questor? with the monster rancher cover?



another thing...

i envy my sister for having really NICE feet! while mine has scratches and wounds and stuff...my sister's feet fits in all sorts of shoes (given the right size of course) and I am so conscious about my super tiny nails, my dark feet and the little scratches i got from playing...



and she too.. is envy of me? for one reason.. she wants to get slimmer..

hello? world to my sister? i'm not even slim.. or does she want the kind of figure that nothing else on your body expands when you eat aside from your stomach? oh... go figure.